I need to move on and am utterly failing...

[BigGripRequired]

Without providing too much detail (I know some RL friends who post here who would recognise me in an instance) but I separated from my husband last year, his choice. He has moved on quickly and fully - is now in a very serious new relationship which includes our children. This is very likely not a new relationship he just wasn't quite caught out.

I remain bitter, angry, hurt, lonely, vindictive and broken. I need to get a fucking grip and quickly. But just can't seem to do it. I have done the drinking too much and not eating phase; the back on the fags and not sleeping phase, the be kind to myself, eat well, exercise and sleep regular phase and I remain a mess. How on earth to do I get some form of control back?

I am now in grave danger of starting to affect the children because I just can't let go and move on. Although I don't mean let go off him as I don't want him back at all. Not who he is now. But I can't let go of the what could have should have been - which we both managed to arse up to be fair.

BigGrip

It WILL pass. It's really not been very long. My ex left two years ago (joint decision). Him leaving wasn't the problem. Or even that he was engaged within a year (what IS it with men and their need to get their pants washed?). What I couldn't bear was the thought of his girlfriend being with my kids. Specifically her putting my dd's hair in a ponytail. The anxiety and anger was horrendous. What helped was the realisation that the kids, whilst liking her, in no way saw her as a replacement anything. It's only now that I have a new partner that I can see first hand how separate kids keep these things in their heads. You will always be their only Mum and anyone else is just an adult that they know.

The future you thought would happen isn't going to and from what you say it wasn't going to, as you say you both messed up. You know he isn't doing back and you don't want him. So that's good, for moving on.

You need to get a dream in your head for how your future should be now. That is very hard, of you have hard wired yourself resistant to change.
You can start by making a list of the big things you need to accept.
And a list if things and how you'd like to live. Then write down how you're going to get there.

Your mind gets all scared and tries to go back to the easy solution of " no, its supposed to be like this" but its not going to be. So you have to keep at it. Change your solution to your future and put things in place to make it happen. Emotionally as well as physically.

This does sound a bit confusing so I'm sorry.

You have my sympathy... It sounds like your ex moved on to this women whilst still married to you. If so then he is a complete knob end. Just think 'prick, every time he pops in your head. I can recommend counselling and mabe anti depressants... They are great at getting you back on your feet. Why not go to a doctor and tell him how your feeling which is perfectly understandable under the circumstances.

Another who has been there XH left after 17 years picking himself up an OW on his way out.

My marriage wasn't particularly wonderful in the last years and he was quite unpleasant to me so I focused on the fact it was for the best and whatever it took to get through I would

My DC spending time with her was far harder to take though and it took a LONG time for that to pass

I am four and a half years on and happy and have been for a while but I am afraid it just takes so long and a year is early days.

I read tons of get over divorce books, kept busy especially the weekends when DC were with him when every minute had to be accounted for ! Overall I was very determined not to be a victim or be the mad bitch ex wife he would have predicted . I just focused on moving my life forward as much as possible to prove to myself and anyone else watching that I would thrive without him.

I was astonished at how much I thought about him and still do but once I accepted this didn't mean I was yearning for him or anything I just sat with it.

Do all you can not to let this spill onto your DC , I remember listening to tales from their weekends where her name would come up and wanting to die inside . The anguish really was terrible. I kept smiling though and like everything else it gradually subsided and I got used to it. Now I barely stop myself laughing out loud when both DC now 15 and 17 moan about how much they hate her and what a silly cow she is . Now it's a case of wanting to give XH a piece of mind about how she treats them but having to keep that inside !

Just before he left I remember reading an article in Good. Housekeeping called "Divorce: The present that keeps on giving" and how very true that has been for me . The thing is though it was his choice and In spite of all my efforts to save our marriage he left and I couldn't change that and you know what they say about what you can't change.

I think it sounds very normal too.
I got counselling after my relationship ended (also OW with child - I'd just given birth ). My head was full of 'them' and I was so angry.
My counsellor said take yourself out of their business and concentrate on you and baby. They don't matter. He's only the father of your child. They don't matter - it helped me a little. But overall the counselling helped me enormously.

I wouldn't say (even nearly 2 years on) that I'm completely ok, but I'm getting there.
When you've had a massive number done on you, your trust broken, the rug pulled from under you, of course it takes time.
Be kind to yourself.

Don't be too scared of ADs. I went on a low dose after coming of the evil Cerazette pill last July. Never upped my dose from the basic 10mg so therefore never actually got on a therapeutic dose for depression but was helpful for anxiety. I'm now off them completely, they helped me through an assault by my now ex and a court case. What you have been through is no different it is still a trauma.
I'm off them now and just been dumped by my BF via text. Don't need them but I think it helped me get my head straight and able to deal with things clearer.

Good luck

Have pm'd you x

By 25 years after the split, I'd more or less forgotten the exH. Unless something reminded me.

Be kind to yourself.

Jesus I hope by 25 years I am well over it.

Thanks for your kind messages and taking the time to share. I know that I am making the choice to dwell in this and only I can make the choice to stop it.

I am going to do some AD research today, perhaps they can give me the space to regain perspective and control. And thinking about where I want to be in the future...

Dwelling isn't something you can help and I came to see it as processing it all properly rather jumping into another relationship and burying my head in the sand which is what XH has done

biggrip I refused medication 7 yrs ago - post natal etc. frightened of them I think.

Fast forward 7yrs and finally started taking them (after almighty sabotaging my life.. And OMG what a difference.

I've seen two people close to me take them recently , and they were foggy headed and found it hard to think straight/remember things.

But not me, I'm on a really low dose and it's amazing. Yes, the pain of relationship ending is still there, but I can get through the day successfully .

Had to tweak the dosage and struggle through some side effects but have a talk to your GP and tell them how you're feeling. It's crap to let it be ruining all your time at home and possibly affecting your children too.

I should have taken the drugs years ago. Doh. Good luck

Counselling helped me enormously. I split from my ex of 6 years (no kids but we had 4 between us) it was my decision and he had met someone new within weeks.

I was just getting straight when he reappeared 2 weeks ago and I was drawn in....FOOL< FOOL! Back to the counsellor for me next week!

Must add I had 6 months of counselling too

I think up to a point you can choose not to dwell on it too much but it is a process and you do have to go through it to get to the other side.

comingintomyown is right when she says your brain needs to process everything thats happened to make sense of it. My ex is back in town for a week at the moment and every time he comes back I feel as though I take a step backwards. Ive been having really bad dreams about OW and that all my friends and family were telling me how nice she is. Which tells me I've still got some way to go

Thanks again all. Have had a busy weekend doing 'stuff'. But no children around so house now big and empty on a Sunday night. Just off for the old bath, candles and book routine to kill an hour or so before bed.

Have done a lot of thinking over the weekend too - I think I need to accept that actually I do just need more time. It is what it is. I am going to buy a journal and start writing my thoughts down. Hopefully this will force me to slow down and actually focus rather than the random mind acrobatics of late.

I am still not sure on going down the anti-depressant route if I am honest. I can't afford a couple of weeks of vagueness at work right now. And truthfully I am still in the mind set of believing I just need a kick up the arse.

Only just seen this thread. I would second counselling as an option. I am 7 years on, and am just having some counselling now... It isn't that I want exH (wouldn't touch with a barge pole...), but that I am still grieving what I thought was my future, and what were my dreams - ie. happy marriage, nuclear family, children, growing old together. They were all shattered, and that still makes me sad, even this many years down the line. I am also still angry about some of the things that exH did - but mostly that he shat on my dreams, and that our children won't grow up with their mum and dad in the same house.

I think a journal would be a good idea. My counsellor says that I need to live with the feelings, not suppress them, or ignore them, but acknowledge them. Maybe writing would help this for you.

I also think your reaction is normal. There are several significant things happening here.

1.... Shock. As far as you were aware, all was well and the end will have come as a major shock. Relationship breakdown is a bad experience even when things have been rocky for a while. That kind of trauma takes a long, long time to recover from.

2.... Unanswered questions. Leading on from the shock nature of the finish you have no satisfactory answers to why it happened. Therefore you've had to devote a huge amount of thinking time to theories, many of which will blame yourself in the absence of any better ideas.

3... Injustice. He's metaphorically high-fiving people at the finishing line with his new g/f and you're still in the starting blocks.... Someone once said that 'comparison is the thief of joy' and NOTHING illustrates that better IMHO than the ex appearing to go onwards and upwards while you're sitting home feeling like yesterday's potatoes.

One question... can you hate him yet?