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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

bloody cheek

36 replies

suburbanjellybrain · 31/08/2006 15:42

i have been invited out in a few weeks to a b'day bash in london and my dh says he has 'to think' about wether he is able to babysit! bloody cheek dd will be 5m by then and i have not been out on my own AT ALL since she was born... we have also moved to bedfordshire (6m ago) from london to be closer to his family. i have hardly seen any of my friends since we moved i know nobody here. but still dh has to think about wether he can cope with a 2 yo and a 5mo for a few hours on a sat night. dd was as good as gold when my mum babysat for us to go to pics a few weeks ago, i could ask inlaws to take ds for night so he only has baby but in a way i want him to look after both so he has an idea about what it is like. grrr

am i being unreasonable?

OP posts:
madmarchhare · 31/08/2006 15:45

He wouldnt even get an option if it were me. Unless he has something already planned (must be written on calendar) he would be staying in on that particular night. Tough.

Original poster
suburbanjellybrain · 31/08/2006 15:47

oh its not because he might have plans mmh - see my everquest widow thread - he doesn't go out these days he is just terrified of being alone with kids- sigh!!!

OP posts:
PinkTulips · 31/08/2006 15:49

it's not bloody 'babysitting' if its your own child! is what you do all day babysitting... i think not... it's called parenting!

i'm with madmarchhare.... dp wouldn't get an option!

madmarchhare · 31/08/2006 15:49

In that case there really shouldnt be any debate. Just tell him that is what you are doing and if he complains, give it to him both barrels.

bundle · 31/08/2006 15:50

it is not babysitting, babysitting is when it's someone else's child.

Holidaymum · 31/08/2006 15:51

pmsl

expatinscotland · 31/08/2006 15:51

I wouldn't have bothered telling him that far in advance.

motherinferior · 31/08/2006 15:54

Of course you're not being unreasonable. What on earth is his problem?

And if you don't go, he'll never get the hang of it. Don't arrange anything else. They're his kids and it's hardly rocket science, is it?

desperateSCOUSEwife · 31/08/2006 15:55

how can you babysit your own child

tell him to get a grip
xxx

JessaJam · 31/08/2006 15:56

I was going to post thatperhaps he is worried about being able to /having to cope alone - but I see you know that already!

Tell him the only way he's going to find out if he can do it, is by doing it. That's how you found out!! You are going, and that is that. he'll be fine. He can think of it as just another roleplaying game!!!

helsy · 31/08/2006 15:59

You have no choice, he has no choice! Agree, if he has nothing on the planner, he's free to care for his child. Humph.

Original poster
suburbanjellybrain · 31/08/2006 16:00

yes babysitting is the wrong phrase you are entirely right - but i have rarely left him in charge of both lo's because he totally crumbles when dd cries - she has been a bit of a screamer much better now though - and it has become easier to leave him with ds and take charge of dd - this cannot be the way for ever though - but dh is such a delicate soul that i have to tread carefully - bloody only children! they are far too used to having things their own way and being alone for hours on end - and i have a hell of a time getting him to compromise sometimes...

OP posts:
Iklboo · 31/08/2006 16:01

Tell him you'll "think about" having sex with him, cooking his tea, doing his laundry..............

Original poster
suburbanjellybrain · 31/08/2006 16:03

to be fair i should add i am a classic eldest child used to being in charge and bossing people around BUT i know how to share and compromise... he will 'let' me go out but i was v pissed off when he said he would have to think about it - he bloody owes me a few nights out - i shouldn't have to negotiate

OP posts:
Twiglett · 31/08/2006 16:07

you need to break him in gently

keep nipping out for longer and longer times

prove to him that he can do it

if he's that scared of dealing with his own kids he's obviously never been given a chance to do it (read made to do it) before .. which unfortunately is probably down to you a little .. do you like being in control of them? do you ever let him do stuff without telling him how?

I am NOT berating you .. I am NOT blaming you either ... I think it is natural for a mother to think they know best .. but it can serve to alienate partners

you need to give him time with them alone

start doing it this weekend .. nip to the supermarket without them .. fait accompli .. he just needs the confidence to know he can do it

well that's IMHO

JessaJam · 31/08/2006 16:11

Agree, very much, with Twiglett.

Gobbledigook · 31/08/2006 16:18

I wouldn't 'ask', I'd 'tell'. My dh wouldn't dream of saying 'I'll think about it'. Of course I do actually 'ask' him as it's polite but I'm not going to take 'no' for an answer unless there is a good reason!

Original poster
suburbanjellybrain · 31/08/2006 16:22

believe me i have tried to wrangle lots of alone time prior to now and when we just had 1 baby but he is the sort of person is difficult to persuade and i have allowed him to get away with it ... putting up a fight often ends up in tears (me) and that doesn't really acheieve anything - i am terminally afraid of conflict ( my parents argued constantly and my mum used to go on and on about how much she hated dad and how miserable she was) so i avoid it like the plague probably to my detriment ... but is difficult to change - me and dh are as bad as each other then - there is no hope ... oh bugger

OP posts:
Twiglett · 31/08/2006 16:27

Saturday you turn round and say

"Oh we've run out of shampoo (or other condiment), I'm just nipping to the shop"

you do this with your hand on the door .. by the time you've said the 'p' in shop the door should be shut behind you

you go out for 30 minutes

then you come back

next day .. run out of milk .. but let it take an hour to get

motherinferior · 31/08/2006 16:28

I do that all the time anyway

Twiglett · 31/08/2006 16:29

plus you tell him that he's in charge of bath-time from now on .. and you back off

he does it HIS way without you instructing / interfering

go and have a coffee

give him this 30 mins every day to bond with his children

he shouldn't be scared of them .. that's sad
(if not bathtime .. then bedtime story ..or breakfast just something he can manage every day)

hunkermunker · 31/08/2006 16:32

Agree with Twiglett.

But probably will never accept an invitation to dine at her house if she thinks shampoo is a condiment...

bundle · 31/08/2006 16:33

me too, go out "for paper" and come back with tell-tale johnny lou lou bags...

madmarchhare · 31/08/2006 16:34

'he is the sort of person is difficult to persuade and i have allowed him to get away with it'

Either Twig is right or he's having a laugh at your expense.

JessaJam · 31/08/2006 16:34

Suspect Twiglett should have own TV programme called the "husband wrangler" or somesuch