Dumped boyfriend for TMI reason - do I tell him why?

[Corygal]

As aided by glorious MNetters about a year ago, I acquired a hot 29 yr old gentleman friend. (me = 46). So far so exciting.

But, in a, er, nutshell, he was not only the worst person in bed I have ever experienced, but couldn't keep it up either. Imagine long evenings spent miserably tending to a limp value sausage, then after two hours of me getting cold, untouched and bored, he'd say if I tried to move 'But I haven't finished yet'.

We - I - tried to talk to him and reassure him about it, with the result that he thinks he's fantastic in bed.

So I split with him, citing being too busy to have a relationship. He's now trying to get me back. Do I tell him the truth - no way, ever?

What you are describing is not a romance.

It sounds horrendous.

I'd tell him truthfully that you'll never be getting back together, but probably not mention the shit sex. I've had this type too; I think they know they're pants and do all the ridiculous 'yeah baby, you love my cock' nonsense to make themselves feel better. I doubt he'll use the information to become better/ more considerate, etc, but will go in a huff.

Incidentally, I had never heard of frotting before- thanks to the Urban Dictionary I can now add 'frottage cheese' to my vocabulary...

Ride the London underground at rush hour and you'll learn all you ever want to know about frotting..........

Buy him a blow up doll and explain that you think he needs a partner who won't mind the total lack of effort.

It sounds like you have enough ammunition outside if the bedroom to end it. I'd just say you don't want someone you have to pay for. Possibly that you want Simone older and more mature etc. if he turns arsey then say it but you have been faking it for a year so at this point he will persuade himself that you're saying it out of malice because you love him so much... Or something!

Why on earth did you stay with him longer than a week?
I pity his next gf

I would say 'I just feel that we have given the relationship a fair chance, I've had some good times but don't feel we are sexually compatible, there isn't enough there to make it a long term relationship for me, so don't want to continue. I am quite clear about this decision so 'please leave it there.'

Oh, sorry, I missed some posts. I would add after we are not sexually compatible 'as it happens I do not worship your cock' and also 'I am not prepared to stay in a relationship with someone who treats me as you do wrt birthdays and other matters. This is not a discussion, this is my decision, so please leave it there, and do not contact me again.'

You don't need a reason or ammunition to not want to be with him. Just tell him you're not interested. You owe him no explanation.

I still can't believe anyone would put up with such horrible degrading and unfulfilling sex more than twice. Once could be put down to awkwardness and unfamiliarity but twice, with a bit of direction and encouragement, and still shit? Get the hell out of there.

You're all right. To be honest, I did start wildly avoiding sex, but I felt I had to give him a chance given the ED - I guess he had too many chances.

corygal I had eight years of shit sex. Very pleased you ended it! The quickest thing to get rid of xh was to tell him our sex life was appaling and I was done. Please don't suffer on in future relationships though with the same. Yes, erectile dysfunction is something that two of you can work on but the guy has to be aware that there is a problem in the first place! Really, as a pp said, life is too short for crap sex.

I would just say you are not sexually compatible and leave it at that.

thefillyjonk's phrasing sounds good. Its both tactful and clear. ANd if he tries to discuss it or sling insults or whatever, just ignore anythign he says or block him

Limp value sausage

I would say that one reason for ending is that you don't feel he was generous with you in bed. I wouldn't blame someone for ED, but I would blame them if they made very little effort to bring me pleasure. It doesn't have to be all about PiV. It's something he does need to be told.

I would be honest as pps have said. He needs to know he's not a sex god or he'll never get his act together. He also needs to know that being miserly is a most unattractive trait.

it is easy to fall into the trap, because you don't want to hurt their feelings. i have had a partner with PE, and XH with occaisonal ED (before me and then after he met OW it turned out), and you want to reassure them that everything is ok and of course it doesnt matter......

With new bloke, I have been honest from the start. Excuse me but what about me?! No faking it, no putting up with crap behaviour, no being left frustrated. I said, this is awkward but...... and had it out with him. He has taken it all on board and been much more attentative . If it doesnt happen it doesnt happen, but I don't fake it.

i think that you do need to be honest with him but without it getting nasty if thats possible, that is if he wont leave you alone.