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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I want it he doesn't

33 replies

Peanutgant · 31/08/2006 14:37

This is really getting me down. I have to ask DH for sex and then its usually just an 'SAS' job (i.e. in and out before you notice). This is undermining my self-esteem and making me feel really unattractive. Tried all the usual stuff but nothing works and to be honest I am fed up of making the effort, I want him to fancy me and not just the trimmings. Sick of all the excuses too

OP posts:
HappyDaddy · 31/08/2006 14:39

Have you asked him, why?

expatinscotland · 31/08/2006 14:39

I know it's not funny, but I've saved the 'SAS job' for use at appropriate times. .

Iklboo · 31/08/2006 14:40

It isn't funny but I used to call my x-p "Ferry" - roll on, roll off

HappyDaddy · 31/08/2006 14:40

You mean you're not always up for night long sessions, expat?

Original poster
Peanutgant · 31/08/2006 14:46

HappyDaddy I have asked but he is very evasive, sites the usual excuses - too tired, too stressed etc etc. Doesn't really like to talk about it (we nearly split up because of this prior to DD), usually mutters something about 'sorting you out tomorrow'! I don't nag him continually - definitely no rabbit meself, once a fortnight would be fine or less even!

Iklboo - liking 'ferry'

OP posts:
HappyDaddy · 31/08/2006 14:57

He definately needs to know how you feel, tell him how much it's affecting you. He should come out with more definate answers then.

Mum2FunkyDude · 31/08/2006 15:00

If I might be so blunt but what is his age?

Original poster
Peanutgant · 31/08/2006 19:46

Mum2 - I'm 30 and he's 34. Was very inexperienced when we met, only had two sexual partners prior to me.

OP posts:
VeniVidiVickiQV · 31/08/2006 19:51

Do you always ask? I mean, do you just jump on him adn he says no, or do you literally ask?

VeniVidiVickiQV · 31/08/2006 19:52

And what do you mean by "trimmings"?

morningpaper · 31/08/2006 19:57

trimmings - like christmas dinner. A bit of sauce and a nice stuffing?

morningpaper · 31/08/2006 19:58
sunflower74 · 31/08/2006 19:59

i am in the same boat unfortuantely - feel so low - so unwanted!
not a nice feeling at all.

its not the actual sex - its just the being wanted - the closeness!

morningpaper · 31/08/2006 19:59

But more seriously

Does he suffer from premature ejaculation?

Original poster
Peanutgant · 31/08/2006 20:03

Veni - trimings as in having to be dressed up not just me in my birthday suit .

Yes he rejects me whether I jump him or now I have to literally ask 'can we have sex' as if I jump him he literally freezes.

Doesn't suffer from prem ejaculation thankfully.

OP posts:
Joolstoo · 31/08/2006 20:04

into Lebanon

sorry 2 glasses of red nnd I, gone

Original poster
Peanutgant · 31/08/2006 20:06

Sunflower - you've hit the nail on the head, just want to have that closeness. My DH sucks at that, he'll cuddle me but never ever had a massage or bath or anything like that, infact he locks the bathroom door whenever he has a bath!!

Never been in this boat before and getting tired of hearing fellow mummies having to fight their t'other 'alfs of with a stick

OP posts:
morningpaper · 31/08/2006 20:07

Aw Peanut it sounds really grim

I think that you would probably really benefit from some couple's therapy

The most important thing is being about to talk about it

It isn't something that can be solved easily

morningpaper · 31/08/2006 20:08

Aw Peanut we are not all fighting them off with sticks

There are lots of other women in your boat

Original poster
Peanutgant · 31/08/2006 20:10

Thanks Morningpaper, always good to vent. I had counselling last year but he didn't want to go (shyness), might have to give it another go. I know he loves me and he is a great Dad but I need a husband too.

Meanwhile its me and my trusty buzzing friend eh?

OP posts:
Original poster
Peanutgant · 31/08/2006 20:12

On an additional note I did wonder whether he has unrealistic expectations of sex as he was so inexperienced and not had much contact with women. Think most of what he has learnt comes from porn videos and we all know how realistic they are!

OP posts:
morningpaper · 31/08/2006 20:15

It sounds as though he is scared and feeling inadequate

There is a good book called The New Male Sexuality that you might find interesting

VeniVidiVickiQV · 31/08/2006 20:22

It is unusual IME for a man to never initiate sex. You definitely need to get to the bottom of this and talk about it together.

morningpaper · 31/08/2006 20:24

It is unusual

But unusual is not the same as abnormal

The spectrum of normal is sexuality is very very wide

VeniVidiVickiQV · 31/08/2006 20:26

No, not abnormal at all.