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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Anyone taken cheating ex back after seperation?

41 replies

Hesaysshewaffles · 21/05/2014 20:29

Just that really. I split with stbxh 1.5 years ago after his year long affair. On discovery he said he wanted neither of us.

I plucked up the courage to say I wanted divorce about 5 months ago but it's been a slow process.

This 'finality' makes me feel like we need to give our marriage one last shot as I truly feel as though his paid and realised what he did and there may be hope?!

In that time tho I had a fling (when separated). the feeling of being with someone new gave me excitement I've never experienced. For the first time I felt good about myself and desired and wanted etc. I was with my ex since we were kids and so we never had that stage of our relationship.

Now I'm wondering if I try again with ex because we were always a good 'family' and try a 'new' relationship as I believed he's changed OR do I follow the route I have been taking with OD and going on dates and finding someone new who's never hurt me before?

OP posts:

FabULouse · 21/05/2014 20:36

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CarCiKoTab · 21/05/2014 20:39

I feel it would take a lot to regain trust in any relationship after what you have experienced. It has took me 4 years and I still get moments of stupid jealousy. It's entirely up to the both of you although I wouldn't advise laying down the law as you could find yourself back in the same place, my only concern would be that he opted to do it again because you initially forgave him.

Original poster

Hesaysshewaffles · 21/05/2014 21:27

I haven't discussed it as I know it will be emotional and I want to be more sure in myself with what I want. I'm just so confused.

OP posts:

CogitoErgoSometimes · 21/05/2014 21:37

I think, if you're feeling good about yourself, the last thing you should do is risk rejection second time around on the strength of nostalgia. A year long affair wasn't a one-off mistake but took planning and a lot of lies. You didn't have 'a fling' btw because you didn't deceive or insult anyone. The two things aren't comparable

ohldoneedtogetagrip · 21/05/2014 21:44

I would say no. Don't look back continue forward in your current life. As Cogito says it was a year long deception not a meaningless fling.

Original poster

Hesaysshewaffles · 21/05/2014 21:55

Thing is we have done the odd day trip recently and it's been nice. He also suffered a mental kind of emotional breakdown and still suffers emotionally from the realisation of what he did and lost. I feel that he would really try and our family life with our dd was so great.

But I've been moving on for some time. I have got excited about finding someone new and falling in love etc. A blank canvas kind of thing.

But I feel by not giving it a go I'm taking the easy route and putting my own selfish needs above my family's which could be great.

OP posts:

Lackland · 21/05/2014 21:58

Yes I took him back. It was the worst thing ever. He took it as permission to continue living his life as he wished, with me and the children as a presentable backdrop.

Divorce was the only solution. Funnily enough the divorce has made us better friends but I could never trust him again or believe the amen out of his mouth.

Original poster

Hesaysshewaffles · 21/05/2014 22:01

Lackland how long did you split for? Did e make you feel/believe he was really sorry before you tried again?

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CogitoErgoSometimes · 21/05/2014 22:03

You could also argue that giving it a go is the easy route in the 'picking up where you left off' sense. He may claim to suffer as a result of his past behaviour but I wonder what your reaction was at the time when you found out he'd be screwing around and that you weren't wanted any more. Bet it wasn't a breezy smile and a shrug of the shoulders

Original poster

Hesaysshewaffles · 21/05/2014 22:08

No. It was the worst thing that has every happened to me. But 1.5 years has been such a journey and so much has changed and I've achieved so much that I never thought possible, that the pain seems so small now. The remorse I wanted him to show on discovery has really eaten away at him.

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CogitoErgoSometimes · 21/05/2014 22:23

If you go ahead - and this is assuming it's something he wants as well - then you have to do it eyes wide open and with conditions attached. Suggest that regular counselling sessions would be part of the picture because remorse is not enough on its own. You'd have to understand that, once the initial euphoria of your fresh start had subsided, you will experience mistrust, doubt, anger... all kinds of things that will have been on hold rather than dealt with. Above all, there's a child in the middle of all this who is going to be very confused if you later regret the decision and have to split all over again.

Have you spoken to anyone who supported you through the original split and told them that you're thinking of getting back together?

APlaceInTheWinter · 21/05/2014 22:37

I took ex-dp back and it was a mistake. He was very remorseful, went to counselling, etc, did everything he could to convince me it would be different. I felt so much stronger and able to cope with it all. What I didn't fully appreciate was that there are three dynamics in a relationship: your personality; dp's personality; the dynamic created when you bring those two together.

So fairly quickly dp thought he didn't have to make any effort in the relationship and I was back to feeling distrustful and lacking in confidence. Our relationship simply didn't work (even though we were great at dating each other!).

Sorry this is a bit of a saga but my point is that I waited, we both had counselling, we (in theory) did everything to ensure we went into the second relationship with our eyes wide open and it was still an unmitigated disaster.

Falling back into something is easy. Walking away is much harder but sometimes it is what you need to do.

DickCrack · 21/05/2014 23:44

This is quite apt for me tonight. My ex walked out 10 weeks ago after I found evidence on his phone he was shagging around when our baby was just 14 weeks old. We'd been together 13 years and I hadn't a clue. I feel worn down by it all, I want my family and my old life back. I want my boys to have both parents with them. I hate sharing them at weekends, it doesn't feel right that their life is like this. I'm considering going back and he hasn't even shown any real remorse.

CocoM · 21/05/2014 23:53

Yes it can definitely work if that's what you want but he has to want it more than anything. Does he?
Im sure you have done a lot of talking about what happened already so if you do decide to try again then it has to be done with a clean slate really. Leaving everything that has happened in the past and move forward into your new, different relationship. If that is what you want because you love him still then you don't want to regret never having given it another chance.

Even with a new bloke there are never any guarantees that he wont also cheat. So you can start again with the man you know or start again with another.

APlaceInTheWinter · 22/05/2014 00:39

DickCrack do you have support in RL? Take as much help from family and friends as you can, and give yourself time. I found an online Relate counsellor really helped me to work out not only what I wanted but needed.

Simplesusan · 22/05/2014 05:40

I think it is natural to want to feel you have done everything you can to save your relationship.
Unfortunately deep ingrained habits stay long after the initial desperation to "do the right thing" has faded, and your dp will revert back to type.

You say you felt great with a new man and good for you.

I would say you won't live a lifetime of happiness with your ex, he has told you he doesn't want you, listen to him.

CocoM · 22/05/2014 09:10

Only get back together if he is showing you that he regrets what he did and if he is showing you in everyway that he wants to be with you. Only get back with him if you love him and he loves you. People do nit always revert to type if they have regretted what happened. People can learn and grow. I would be concerned though that you are considering all this with what seems like little imput from his side.

arsenaltilidie · 22/05/2014 10:47

Of all the men I know that have cheated on their wives, who where then forgiven, separated, got back together, etc; all of them have cheated again and again!

Once the trust is gone, it's gone.

CocoM · 22/05/2014 11:48

Disagree. I know a lot of women that have gone on from affairs to have even better relationships than the one they had originally with the same man. More grown up, more respectful on both sides and much closer than ever. Most of them are 10 years on and because of what they both learnt along the way, they appreciate each other in a way that they never did before.

APlaceInTheWinter · 22/05/2014 12:43

Unlike CocoM I don't know anyone who has had a better relationship after an affair. My first counsellor told me such people existed and tbh it was one of many factors that made me decide to go back. I shouldn't have done for the reasons I outlined above.

I think one of the factors on whether change is sustainable is what motivated the change. From the OP, the affair stopped when you discovered it. It wasn't that your dh had a temporary crisis, confessed all and begged forgiveness. He deceived you for a year and his response to being caught was to leave both relationships.

Now you're saying what you think about possibly trying again but not anything about what he has been saying. You can't make a relationship work on your own. No-one can.

To quote Dr Phil (not that I often garner my wisdom from Oprah but I think this is a very valid point). If you drive the car off the road then you have to work to get it back on the road and to keep it there. Your DH drove your relationship off the road. What has he done to fix it and what is he saying he will do to ensure it stays on the road in future?

A few of us on this thread may sound negative but really we're just trying to save you from hurt. If you do get back together and it does fail again, it can be harder to walk away a second time, and of course it will hurt your dcs all over again.

Original poster

Hesaysshewaffles · 22/05/2014 14:08

That's a really good way of looking at it winter.

I do wonder if my feeling of guilt him losing everything is driving me to consider. Thing is I think it would take a lot of work to get him to a good place for us to properly start trying. I could see us dating but not being together again.

My counsellor has said that no matter what I decide we need to have a closure meeting of some description as he left and I just moved on. Weve need actually discussed what happened as such.

OP posts:

CocoM · 22/05/2014 14:33

But has he shown any interest at all in wanting to win you back? If he isn't actively persuing you and trying to reconnect then there is nothing to build on. You can't just decide to try again with him because you want to.

APlaceInTheWinter · 22/05/2014 14:37

Your counsellor is right - you really need to have that conversation. After I'd got back with my ex I realised he'd been telling everyone that I had cheated on him . I didn't date for a year after we split up and he knew that but he somehow misjudged all the timelines . In his case it was classic gaslighting.
Establishing why your ex thinks you split and seeing how much responsibility he takes for what happened is a good starting point (for ending or re-establishing the relationship).

Granville72 · 22/05/2014 14:42

Yes I took my ExH back, big mistake and he walked (well never came back from work actually) 4 days later.

Never go back, only ever move forward in a positive way.

Original poster

Hesaysshewaffles · 22/05/2014 14:58

He asked if we could start spending time together just us two. I questioned it and took a while to reply and he took that as I no I suppose and backed away. Nothing's been said since except we've spent days out together more recently.

I've also got a date this weekend which I'm kind of looking Forward to.

OP posts:

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