a womans view please.

[rustyB]

I wonder if you can help. I have been with my partner for 14 years. We have a 5 year old DD and 3 year old DS. I work full time shifts and she works 2.5 days a week. I help out around the house and with the children a lot. More than any of my friends. But I don't see this as a chore as such, more joint responsibilities and not wanting partner to be well so tired.

my question is about sex. She never really wants to partake. I've always had a higher sex drive and I've been fine with that. I understand that she is tired and worn out, as am I. but this is a side of our relationship I don't want to lose. She smokes weed too, and if I question her about always being stoned affecting her/us then God help me.

I try to be affectionate, romantic and playful but she hates it. I like kissing and she says she's never been one to kiss, she can't stand her boobs being touched and now says that she feels under pressure all the time when it comes to bed. I don't mean to put her under pressure as I want to feel as though she wants my touch. The constant rejection has really knocked my confidence. I know it's like riding a bike but I've got in that mind set now of not being able to perform, that she doesn't want me etc. Rather than just enjoying it. I even feel guilty for feeling this way and am starting to feel rather depressed and anxious about it. Even to the point of thinking dark instrusive thoughts and I'm so scared of losing my kids.

Not sure what I'm asking but just a little advise really. Very lost and confused. I love her to bits and don't know what to do.

How was your relationship/sex life before you had children?

Did your dw work then and has her job changed?

Is she always stoned? How does she help to look after 2 little ones if she is always stoned?

I have to be honest and say that if she doesn't want to kiss or be touched then maybe she is no longer into you...unless it is because she feels that every time you touch her you are after sex?

What has she said when you have spoken to her about this?

Sex can often take a back seat when life gets filled with small children, busy jobs etc. However, there should always be room for affection and intimacy. You're a couple, not flat-mates, and no matter how tired everyone is, it shouldn't be a chore to share a kiss or similar.. even if it doesn't go on to be full sex. The weed smoking may be significant.... why does she need to self-medicate, I wonder? Can't be stress with such a light workload. Is it boredom? Unhappiness? If she's always stoned you're right to question it. I suppose 'God help me' means you get it in the neck rather than a reasonable response.

Time for some honesty all round really. You're feeling depressed, anxious and rejected. She needs to be sedated to get through life. Start talking.

I always thought sex was fine. As I said, I think I've always had a higher sex drive. But I've had anxiety issues before about sex (when we first met). She worked full time before having the kids and enjoys her work. I guess sex has dwindled off since the kids which is understandable

I just don't feel loved if I'm honest. I've spoken to her about it and she just says she's tired. I've tried weekends away, kids staying with Nanny but it's almost like I'm just doing it for sex and that in turn is added pressure on both her and me.

Does she try to reassure you that you are loved? Not just saying 'I love you' which is easy but with kind/romantic/thoughtful things? You're right... anything that feels like a set up with the expectation of sex is going to be a complete turn-off and feel like pressure.

You almost have to take sex out of the picture to get past this. e.g. offer cuddles or a kiss but say very clearly up front 'that's as far as it goes'. If even that gets rejected then I wouldn't hold out a lot of hope.

I love my husband more than anything, always have and buzardbird would have been wrong in my case. Not wanting sex or to be touched because of not being into my husband could not have been further from the truth.

I've had times where I've not wanted to have sex, it's not a reflection of him and I've not loved him any less when going through that stage. It's been more a reflection of me and how I felt about myself.

I remember when we talked it through, he was worried he'd be seen as a sex pest and really didn't know what to do. If he didn't show affection he thought I'd feel unloved and he felt too distant, if he did show affection and I rebuffed or simply didn't reciprocate then he felt like he was imposing himself on me and felt guilty and like a sex pest.

The trouble for us is that we both see sex differently, I see it as something we do when we are close, he sees it as something to do to try to rekindle the closeness.

Ultimately though, it's the lack of closeness that needs to be addressed and that means talking to her and expressing worry about that, rather than on the sex which is a symptom of that. I hope you can have a good talk about it. For me, I didn't realise I was like that, let alone know why! I know better know though. Be prepared for her to be the same initially.

I won't get into the drug use as I have no experience if that to draw on.

Well she does try and 're-assure me by saying 'it's fine' etc but it's normally me saying I love you.

maybe I've just gotta face up to facts. I don't know why I place our happiness on how healthy our sex life is. maybe it's my own issues.

^^
What joy said

So do you think it's best to just tread water for a bit. show her I'm there for her?

I'm just scared it's gonna dwindle out. And as I have my own anxieties now that when we do eventually do something, there's not gonna be the enjoyment we always felt.

Have you talked to her about how she sees your relationship - not just sex? Does she still like you and want to live with you? Ask her what three things she would like to change about your family life and listen to her answers.

I appreciate that you feel unloved and unhappy, but if she's smoking weed all the time she is probably unhappy as well and something needs to change.

Having had a lot of experience with people who use drugs I would ask the following of myself:

Am I willing to spend the rest of my life with a stoner and all that entails?
Am I willing to play second fiddle to drugs?
Do I really want a stoner to be looking after my kids?
Is a stoner going to give my kids the right outlook on life?

Forget the sex, there are much more serious issues here!

I'm not sure if smoking weed means she's unhappy. she's addicted to it. pretty much needs it to function normally. It does affect her though and it angers me. the money she spends on it, it being around the kids, how tired she is. But she doesn't accept me saying stuff about it. Since the eldest was born, she's said she would give up. But never does.

maybe we've just run our course. I do try for all of us. But I can't bear to be apart from our kids and in turn, leave the pot smoker looking after our kids.

Covalone,

being the man, if I was to leave, I'm effectively leaving my kids to be brought up by a stoner and all that entails. I'll gladly play second fiddle to that if it means I can be with my kids and show them the right path/have them brought up properly. (by me, anyway)

Then there's the answer. .... When someone has an addiction, there is no room in their life for anyone or anything else. The addiction trumps everything - as you're finding by her refusal to discuss it.

I think it's time for some tough love, quite honestly. Once addiction is in the frame, you are no longer talking about a normal relationship dynamic. To paraphrase Princess Diana 'There are three of you in this marriage'... and you need to start thinking in terms of protecting your children. So get it on record that she has a problem, alert your GP, because if things do come to an end you're going to need proof.

Unless you're prepared to risk compromising your involvement with your children, its probably best for you to keep your head down and get used to the situation. As many men seem to have to do.

Cogito - Absolutely spot on

rustyB - Sadly that is a very tough decision to make and I do sympathise, Cogito has given sound advice, get it on record.

The thing is, I love her. Very much.

the pot has caused many issues in our relationship. most indirectly. Money, moods etc all of which is me being funny but if you look into it, it's because of the smoking.

Maybe me looking at sex isn't the issue then. it still boils down to the smoke. or that she just doesn't fancy me any more.

Of course you love her and the sex issue is top of mind because you're getting no reciprocation of your love. But I think it's symptomatic of what sounds like a serious narcotic abuse problem which - I suggest - should be your real concern.

Because it's only smoke and most of our friends have smoked or do smoke , she doesn't see it as a problem. even her bloody mother smokes it. I hate this situation, but like someone mentioned earlier, unless I want to jeopodise my involvement with the kids I've got to put up with it.

You do not have to put up with it.
Read Cogito's advice again.
Get it on record.
You need to protect your children. Weed causes all sorts of awful conditions and MH problems.
You need to put them first now.

How much money is she spending a week on this, she is taking money away from her family here.

But its not just smoke is it?. She herself has a mother who is herself now psychologically dependent on cannabis. Your wife is the same, she's grown up thinking all this is normal.

You love her but she is an addict and her primary relationship is now with cannabis. It is not with you. It has and will affect her whole life and your life not just to say your childrens with her markedly. Would you want your children as adults to follow her lead as she did seeing her own mother's example?.

Addiction is a progressive, long-term continuing problem. When an addict tries to stop using and fails because life without the drug is just too hard, that is addiction. Once an addict is convinced he or she cannot live without marijuana, the dependency becomes an obsession. When the addict uses even though he or she promised themselves they wouldn't, this is compulsion.

It is the nature of addiction that addicts don't believe they are ill. Marijuana addicts, in particular, tend to believe that they must be “OK” since there are much worse drugs, and other people whose lives are much worse off as a result of their using. That is denial.

Think you need to talk to "Frank" and or a drugs counsellor about the realities of her drug use because she is using and is putting her addiction above everything and everyone else. You need outside support. You have to think of yourself and your children ultimately; you cannot rescue and or save someone who may well not want to be saved.

It does sound like the dope smoking is the biggest problem. Do bear in mind that it is actually more likely that you would get custody if you separate, on the grounds that she is constantly stoned (if a man leaves the mother of his children on the grounds that she is an alcoholic, the same would apply).

As Cog rightly states this all needs to go on record, her GP needs to know. Your children and you are your main priorities now, not your addicted wife.

You need to protect your children now and put them as well as you first. Your wife will not, she is in the thrall of addiction and that is more powerful than anything else.

I was married to a pot smoker. Eight years, four kids. I recognise so much in your posts. The moods, the money. Sex was sparse and frankly crap. It was almost like a chore to him, and never lasted any length of time. I always felt the lowest in his priorities, the pot came first. He also said he would stop when we had our eldest.

I am three years divorced now. I couldn't take any more. I had no self esteem, depressed. Life is so much better now.

Only you can decide what to do. Don't kid yourself she will change though.

This is what I asked you first at the top of the thread. The alarm bells rang for me on the dope information, not the sex one. It is a much bigger problem imo.