a womans view please.

[rustyB]

I wonder if you can help. I have been with my partner for 14 years. We have a 5 year old DD and 3 year old DS. I work full time shifts and she works 2.5 days a week. I help out around the house and with the children a lot. More than any of my friends. But I don't see this as a chore as such, more joint responsibilities and not wanting partner to be well so tired.

my question is about sex. She never really wants to partake. I've always had a higher sex drive and I've been fine with that. I understand that she is tired and worn out, as am I. but this is a side of our relationship I don't want to lose. She smokes weed too, and if I question her about always being stoned affecting her/us then God help me.

I try to be affectionate, romantic and playful but she hates it. I like kissing and she says she's never been one to kiss, she can't stand her boobs being touched and now says that she feels under pressure all the time when it comes to bed. I don't mean to put her under pressure as I want to feel as though she wants my touch. The constant rejection has really knocked my confidence. I know it's like riding a bike but I've got in that mind set now of not being able to perform, that she doesn't want me etc. Rather than just enjoying it. I even feel guilty for feeling this way and am starting to feel rather depressed and anxious about it. Even to the point of thinking dark instrusive thoughts and I'm so scared of losing my kids.

Not sure what I'm asking but just a little advise really. Very lost and confused. I love her to bits and don't know what to do.

It's gone beyond 'just smoke' the way an alcoholic has gone beyond 'just a drink'. When any substance is getting in the way of someone leading a normal life, holding down a job, maintaining a relationship etc then it's a problem. You do not have to put up with it at all.

It's not written in stone that the man leaves , and in your situation you really shouldn't.

You are allowed to want and expect a healthy sex life when you're in a relationship you know, and you shouldn't feel guilty about that.

Not sure what to advice other than above but the weed's bound to be affecting her sex drive.

The weed issue asside.

You say your confidence has taken a bit of a knock and if you haven't done it in a while she's maybe feeling the same. It sounds a bit 'women's magazine' but how about putting it off the agenda and going out and having some fun together and build up each others confidence at enjoying yourself in each others company.

Also, and I dare say if I suggested this to a woman I'd be flamed for being anti the sisterhood, but sometimes when I'm feeling a bit saucy have to first take a look at myself, if I've been decorating all day and haven't had a shower or brushed my teeth and have dirty clothes on (which is most weekends) I have to stop and think about how plesant an experience it would be from DPs perspective. I'm not suggesting you tie a ribbon to it but it can't hurt to make sure you're as alluring as you can be. (I used to be in a relationship with a guy that didn't clean his teeth that often and the sex just disappeared)

Side note re unsolicited boob touching - I'm pretty much up for doing DP at anytime day or night but have to get warmed up before he goes near the twins.

Not everyone automatically thinks that children should be with their mother and unfortunately in this situation I think yours should be away from a drug user.

She has followed in the steps of her own parent, so even with your input, your children may still follow their mother unless it's clear to them how negative drug use is.
If you are coming second to drugs, then your children will be too.

Don't think that you have to put your head in the sand and "make it work for the children" when in fact you need to make a good positive life happen for them-not a drug based one.

I agree that this is about drugs and sex is just one of the many side effects.

It's time your wife is forced to face her drug problem and I strongly agree that this needs to be documented. Either you carry on as you are forever or you take action for your children.
You are the only one with the power to change anything right now as your wife isn't willing. To not use that power would make you just as guilty towards your children imo.

You can have a bloke's point of view if you like.
Tell her to stay with someone else while she cleans up her act and gets off the weed. She's setting the kids a shitty example.

I agree. She's not going to get better, until she's shown it's no longer an option.

You need support here, from drugs support people, from medical services, social services etc.

I'm a lone parent. I have zero support from ex, or from family wrt childcare. I work FT.

You can do this, if you really want/have to. Talk to all of the above, talk to your work and explain you're going to have to change things for a while, and take back your lives from the drugs.

You need to get her to face her addiction away from your children, and away from you.

There is help out there, and you will be able to protect them from the drug taking. NOW really is the time to do it, so they can begin to heal from the harm they've already suffered.

Where are your children while she is smoking weed?

She doesn't smoke non stop, nor in the house. I think it's slightly getting mis represented. Yes she does smoke weed. Mainly in the evening. And always one before bed (to my dissapointment)

It's become a habit. She needs to kick it. Even if living without it is hard. Maybe she needs to find something else which is more holistic to anchor herself. I dare say that smoking, drinking, or weed are all escapism, and avoidance of life's challenges. To me, I used to comfort eat. Until I realised the difference between "healthy" and not healthy. It takes a while to get to this point though. If I was in your shoes, I would start the process of challenging each other on what you both want from life. Is that a healthy lifestyle, with kids, and or various other goals. If she uses weed, then there is no tradeoff for a better life. She can only find herself again if she has motivation or a distraction towards a goal which she wants more. To me, if you truly love her, you love her as a person and before you had kids and before she became this way. If she is not aware of her problems, and is not aware of how this affect others too, then she needs to truly find ways to trigger it out of herself to find out.

I have to say that I spent a couple of years smoking it every day and it is a very difficult thing to get out of (I have though, thank goodness).

In my case I have realised that I was using it as a blanket to comfort myself and hide underneath from some nasty stuff which happened in my past - It was escapism. But it was only when I decided to get out from underneath the blanket that I realised I had been slowly smothering myself with it and the problems I had been hiding from were still there, because I hadn't dealt with them during the time I had been hiding. I would suggest that maybe she is unhappy and using the weed as a way to hide from it. If she feels like she can't deal with reality then she'll just keep her head under the blanket.

I also had a real problem with my sex drive around this time, being stoned just makes you want to sleep and it often also makes you very paranoid and incoherent. I actually got to the stage where I felt I couldn't sleep without it, which it sounds like she might be too if she always has one before bed (after 2 or 3 nights of bad sleep though your sleep cycle goes back to normal and it's fine).This is a bad combination for either love-making or talking things through. I suggest talking to her when she is sober and laying your cards on the table. Also - was there anything which happened around the time she started smoking daily? That might be the thing she is hiding from...

I think this might all be part of the same problem - she is unhappy, so she smokes, so she doesn't want sex, so your relationship suffers, so she is more unhappy, so she smokes more. Something needs to happen to stop this cycle, she needs to come back to reality and try to make it work.

Bannana, you've hit the nail on the head. She smokes weed when we met , but since living together it has got more and more. I've always had issues with it but this has always caused arguments. lately, I've just shut up.

We have lots of rows that I don't help out enough. This is not the case. I work shifts of days and nights. After working nights I'll have my boy while she's at work. keep the house clean, wash up. iron, mop, Hoover, cut the grass. hang out the washing. Maybe not so much cooking, but I will prepare anything that I can. Also about money. As she does t understand why I'm controlling over money. But when all hers goes on gags and weed, I can get resentful. The kids get shouted at a lot too. Mainly because she wants to roll a joint or go out and smoke it.

The smoking isn't our only issue, but I think it contributes to 90% and is the underlying issue. Just talking about it here is making me realise a lot. A lot of stuff that I thought was me in some way.

I think I do need to have a serious talk. I'm making a lot of changes that I thought/think will help us, but ultimately maybe she needs too. A lot of stuff has happened in her past and it may be a way of covering her issues. I dunno, I don't wanna lose her and I'd hate for our kids to suffer as a result of any splitting.

You cannot strip away her freedom, which is why she can become resentful. If you removed her triggers for the stress, then slowly there will be less cause for her to turn to weed, and she can then slowly come to her senses more. There are a lot of things which can stress many of us in one way or another, even if we are not aware of it. Removing those, and slowly living a more cleaner lifestyle is a first. I would strip away any junk food, and let her eat more and more healthy food to begin with. This will help her clean her body even if she is still smoking. She will sleep better and so forth. At the moment, she is not aware that she needs any help.

The sad thing is that while she is still smoking it will be affecting her behaviour quite a lot, meaning your kids (and in fact you as well) aren't seeing the REAL her a lot of the time. There will still be plenty of it around in her system during the day (weed stays in your system for ages, even when you're not stoned), making her probably quite paranoid and a bit defensive. I only realised this once I had stopped mind you, I didn't realise I was acting oddly at the time.

I would suggest that maybe the kids aren't getting shouted at "because she wants to roll a joint or go out and smoke it", but rather that she's shouting at the kids because her emotions are all over the place, she feels bad, and then her coping mechanism when she feels bad is to go smoke something... This is ultimately the problem - that the way she copes with feeling bad is to hide from it using the numbness of weed.

I think you guys need to talk it through, but do it carefully. Make sure she realises that this isn't about you stopping her from doing something she enjoys, but rather it's about both of you working together as a team to make your relationship better and make both of you happier. I would leave sex off the discussion table (for the moment), because this will be a difficult talk anyway and she might get the wrong end of the stick. Once she's off the weed and you guys are happier I think the sex problem might sort itself out.

No. She'll be shouting because the kids are in the way between her and the weed.

Nowt to do with emotions. If she were that in touch with emotions she wouldn't be anaesthetising herself, would she?

Love, you married a stoner, who got more of a stoner. You raise this issue, she kicks of, you scuttle for cover. Meantime your dc are being shouted as cos all she wants to do is blot her shit out.

Please get some support from those organisations that support the families of addicts? You really need to wake up to what's happening to your children.

Hi Hissy, I said "maybe" there might be another reason behind the shouting - because we can't know why she is shouting at the kids can we? - obviously it isn't good that she is shouting at them either way! I'm just trying to suggest there might be another way of looking at it and tackling the shouting.

I'm also saying "maybe" she might be chosing to "anaesthetise herself" (as you put it) because she's not coping with what's going on in her head and blotting that out is easier than dealing with it. Again I don't know this, I'm making an informed guess based on what I experienced when I had a problem with it (I didn't have kids then so I can't comment on this though). I'm sorry if you feel like I am making excuses for the OP's DW, maybe I'm projecting a bit because I remember what a mess my head was in at that time.

I agree with Hissy though OP, getting some support is a very good idea either way, both of you will need support if you want to work through this together. However, maybe you feel like there has been too much water under the bridge, in which case get support seperately.

Oh I agree, there's always a reason why drugs become a problem, or are a crutch, but that makes no difference to how the kids are affected.

Cannabis/weed, when being craved makes users angry. They smoke to chill that out. The hangover lingers well into the following day.

Permanent damage to the MH/brain occurs with long term use.

She has a problem. She can't stop.

I've lent on cannabis during an extremely awful phase in my life but when freed, stopped immediately.

My ex smoked, still smokes, despite having smoked himself into oblivion one time, ending up in a hospital for 3 days, and gets more agressive if he doesn't smoke it. If he smokes a lot, he's in a fog the next day.

OP's wife doesn't consider being a parent enough to stop smoking this stuff. It's affecting her mood in a spiral that's self-perpetuating.

If her addiction is threatened, she vociferously protects it.

That's a problem user.

With or without kids.

But she does have kids. She has the OP's children.

I agree you need to talk it through OP, but you can't go into this thinking that you can't break your family up. If it came to that, it would be her doing not yours and atm, your children aren't getting any protection.

Speaking from experience, your children would rather their parents split than life with a parent who is unpredictable. That's very scary for a child. They need consistency, not the worry of what mood their parent will be in that day.

If you need to split then your hand will be forced by her drug use. It won't be your fault! If I was in your situation I wouldn't be going in with a gentle word and hoping for the best, I'd be going in with an ultimatum and timescale. After all, you don't have time on your side. Every day your children are shouted at is a permanent fracture in their confidence.

The best of luck. Your children are lucky to have you, they have hope and trust in you to help them.

Thank you for all your words of advise. Some more be egicial than others, but all help. It's not as bad as some make out, but maybe it's the length of time I've lived with it that I don't notice how bad. She's always had an aggressive, unreasonable side. Thought this was just her, but I guess I don't even know the unmedicated Mrs.

Everyone is going mad on this "weed" thing, I don't think that's the big issue here. I feel that she just isn't "in love" with you anymore. Why not try a period of separation?

I had a friend whoes then bf took drugs. She took him out one night and said.

'I have no problem if you want to take those drugs. But just so you know, if you do , I won't be around anymore'. He had a choice. Continue seeing her, or continue taking drugs. They are now married with two kids.

Maybe this doesn't have to be huge fight where she kicks off. Maybe it's as calm as ' you are more than welcome to continue smoking, but if you do, you move out of the house' or you op will move out with the kids. Whatever is best for this situation.

You are their dad and you need to protect them. Having a smoke once or twice a month is not smoking very often. Everyday is a problem.

The weed is a factor here. it can be stopped.

Then you could see what kind of person she could be. But that's down to her. Not a single person on earth will be able to make her. Not even her own children are enough for her to make the choice to stop.

Thing is, these kinds of drugs are usually taken low level over time, but to sustain the effect the user is needing, more will need to be taken.

The angry/agressive trait could be a bi-product of this, but could be intrinsic to her too. Either way, angry/agressive parents are shit parents and ones that destroy children's self esteem and self worth.

I think you should get some drug support OP, so that you can tell your wife to make the choice of her family over her habit, or leave until she does.

This is what any addict/alcoholic needs to make that decision.

Best case scenario, she kicks it, and becomes a member of your family again, a new and improved drug-free one.

Or she kicks it, but is still not 'into' the family and your relationship fails anyway.

Or worst case, she chooses drugs and then you must choose to save your family.

You HAVE to get help for these children. Do it right and you'll save them, you won't lose them.

If she refuses to stop, you need to get this logged with your GP, the Health Visitor, and potentially social services. You can't hope this will go away by itself. It won't.

The last option, I suppose is do absolutely nothing and resign yourself to living like this until one or other of you flips. Meanwhile you know that you poor dc are being harmed psychologically every second this goes on.

I truly wish you all the best. This is a horrible situation, you'll need a lot of courage to tackle it. The drugs advisory people should be able to help you here.

Her exact words after I just tried to approach the subject after she just lost it with DD. "you knew what I was like when you met me"

and by all accounts, she's fed up with feeling like everything is her fault.

I'm a bit lost to be honest. Is it me? is it the smoke? or is it just our relationship has gone to pot. I want to keep us all together but it's upsetting as if like us all to be happy.

To be honest I agree with Tinks. Not even wanting to kiss and hating you being romantic suggests she's just not that into you. Sorry to sound harsh, wasn't supposed to.

I think you need a really honest conversation about your future together. It will be uncomfortable but don't let her avoid the issues, they need to be addressed.

The weed may or may not be relevant. I smoke regularly, it actually makes me really horny and sex feel loads better, although I know that's not the case for everyone.

I think it makes you horny if you are into the person you're with.

At the end of my time with ex, i'd use it to ensure I was asleep when he came home.

This isn't working on any level rusty, time to be adult about it and call time on it.