New relationship old friends and confusion

[grassyarsesenor]

Hi. As the title suggests, I'm in a new relationship with a very old friend. We've been close Friends for ten years and I stop lit from my husband last year. Me and OF became closer over a period of time and due to knowing each other so well things moved on quite fast romantically although we waited a month or so before having sex. He already knows my children although since our relationship ship changed hes only seen them once in a very busy and uber platonic way.
My divorce has become quite messy and complicated and I'm feeling immense pressure at the moment.
I'm happy to be with OF but really only on my terms and for the good times.
It's hard to talk about what happening in my divorce etc with him because he has quite a different take on things now we're a couple and there's more emotions involved than when we were just friends.
A couple of things happened which made me confused, I suffer really badly with pmt plus the stress I'm under I don't know if I'm over reacting.
Some time ago he was selling a beautiful piece of furniture. A friend of his was buying it and I said if she onset take it I'll buy it. Consequently his friend messed him about and he offered it to me. He said it was a gift and I repeatedly offered to pay and he refused payment. He was then arranging a delivery van for the furniture, I offered to pay and again he refused.
A week or so later he said it'll cost thirty quid to move it, could you give me fifteen to which I agreed. Yesterday he said the van is all arranged and his other friend now wants the furniture again, he emphasised it's a great piece and very desirable and the van is twenty five quid and that's what I owe him. So I started feeling narked and said if your friend wants it and is willing to pay then just sell it and make some money. He then said no not want you to have it, she keeps Messing me around etc.
Sorry I know this sounds petty but now I'm at the point where I want to say fuck it just keep it, I am starting to feel beholden to him for a gift which I offered payment for in the first place...
Also I don't drive and he's been really helpful collecting things for me such as heavy groceriesd and soil. I have a disability and I always offer to pay for my things. Sometimes he accepts the money and sometimes if it's just a few quid he says don't worry. So last night he Brought me some bags of soil. I was just about to get my purse when he announced 'I am going to have to start asking for payment for things' I replied I was just about to pay for it and said 'I always pay my way' and asked what else he'd paid for where I haven't offered to pay my way or actually paid. It was uncomfortable especially as I have never taken the piss. He has paid for couple of meals even when I have insisted.
Anyway I'm rambling but honestly is it pmt/stress making me want to say say keep your 'gifts'?
I would never have normally got into a relationship at this stage in my divorce (just awaiting decree absolute) it's only because of our shared history I got involved but I don't need all this pettiness right now!

*separated not stop lit from my husband...

Any opinions gratefully received! Am I being mad/looking for problems where they aren't?

This man is not your friend. He is manipulative and unpleasant. It's unsurprising he's moved in while you are undergoing a messy separation - he is the classic NiceGuyTM who thinks that, having performed a certain amount of 'niceness' he is entitled to sex, gratitude and obedience from you. Men like this home in on vulnerable women because what they get off on is control and a feeling of superiority.
Tell him you don't think being a couple is going to work and you would prefer to go back to being just friends. He will try to convince you that you don't know your own mind and whine about how wicked you are being not to obey and adore him.
You will lose the friendship but it will be no real loss. Because he's a knob.

I'm going to be a little more generous than SGB and suggest that, however friendly you are with someone, it's only once you're in a full-on relationship with them and they've relaxed into their real selves that you can judge them 'warts and all'. If you don't like some of the warts, I think that would be quite normal. Some people make great mates and lousy partners and I think he sounds like one of those people. Not a bad person but probably not the right person.

Oh wow thanks I wasn't expecting such strong opinion! I have told him to keep the furniture it's too much hassle nd stress, I understand why he might have felt magnanimous and then balked at giving away something.
I'm not sure about the other stuff, I'm so mixed up because of everything else that's happening in my life..

Sounds like you need to call a rain-check and give yourself chance to properly get out of your marriage. Once you feel secure and stable in yourself, then entertain bringing someone new in. The kind of person who appeals to you at the moment and meets your needs today is not necessarily the person that will be right for you in a few years' after the pressure is off and the dust has settled.

Cogito I think you might be right...

It's not you, it's him. You shouldn't be made to feel uncomfortable like this. As others have said, you are being manipulated. Head games.

If you are just coming out of a marriage then you should be v wary of getting too entangled too quickly with anyone. This guy sounds like too much hassle tbh - doesn't mean he is necessarily a bad person but you do need to cool it off a bit and develop your own coping mechanisms. How would you normally transport things? Just don't take any more favours from him.

This rebound relationship sounds like it is going nowhere. I think it was a big mistake to jump in so quickly.

I expect it will be difficult to extricate yourself and still keep him as a friend, but that is the risk you take I guess

Learn a lesson from this, and move on

I'd personally talk it through. I'd explain that you need to have some consistency, that the question of favours or who pays makes you uncomfortable and so you'd rather just pay your way so you know where you stand from the start.

You don't need the added stress. If he's like this now, it'll only get worse. Walk away.

anyfucker yes jumping in fast was a mistake, it never would have happened with a 'new' man.

standsongoldensands the disability happened during my marriage so ex dh did all the transporting of big stuff and since he left I've either struggled alone or had deliveries. I'm normally pretty independent but with all the shit going on its been easy to accept help. I don't have family nearby and most of my close friends are tied up with their own stuff.

joysmum we met today and discussed the whole pays what situation. He'd recently come into some money and was being quite profligate then was faced with an unexpected bill and rather than explaining clearly just made me feel really awkward.
I've explained that I don't want to be beholden to him for anything at all and have cancelled some of our upcoming social plans so that I'm not seeing him for a while so that I can 'regroup' without any pressure from him.

It sound like he doesn't communicate well, so you can expect a life with him to include lots of sulking because you did the wrong thing, which he'll not talk about, but will eventually explode at you after enough niggles have built up.

kirako funny enough we have always been brilliant communicators with each other, we know each other very well and people have always said we are well suited, very similar etc. Maybe it just doesn't translate very well into an intimate relationship although we are usually very upfront and honest with each other.
I guess money talk is awkward for early relationship and my divorce is taking up a lot of headset, when we were just friends it was easy to discuss all that but again now the relationship has changed it suddenly becomes a more emotive subject for him and harder for me to share with him but difficult not to share it as we've always been open about our 'stuff' with other people.

*headspace not headset...

Hi all
Please see the message I just sent. I was going to leave it in the draft folder but felt compelled to press send details. Not sure if I went too far?
Too late now though!

"Please know I never tried to rip you off. I have always tried to pay my way. I thought going for a meal was romantic and although I offered to pay it was sweet and felt traditional that you paid. I offered and you reiterated how rich you are at the moment.

I paid for my groceries and bought lots of lovely food to treat us both and to thank you for any help/lifts etc. I'm at a loss to understand why you said the things you did Tuesday night especially knowing what an awful day I'd had. I offered to buy the chest originally before entering into a relationship with you, it was you insisting it was a gift.

You know how I struggle to ask for help, when I let you help me it feels like it's thrown back in my face. It really hurt my feelings and....right now I don't need it.

I do not need to expend anymore emotional energy on anything that detracts from what I give to the children and what I need to keep it together. When we got together it was definitely a whirlwind, we were both in highly emotional state, you leaving and going to nz, my life falling apart and my world turned upside down. It was thrilling to find each other and felt like coming home, it felt safe and right.

I don't feel so safe anymore it seems like we often disagree on tiny things, maybe throw away stuff to you but I can't do ego stuff right now.

I don't know how to move on from this, I love spending time with you when we agree on stuff and having sex with you is Brilliant but I don't want to keep biting my tongue and I don't want to keep disagreeing and I've stopped being happy.

I hate to have this one sided convo but I can't bear the thought of another circular 'discussion' blaming and denying it's just too distressing for me"

Sorry but that reads to me like
Blah blah Why haven't you been in touch? Watch me bend a little, is that enough?
And the balance of power is in his favour. You want him to be your safe person who cares for your happiness, but for whatever reason (emotionally immature, manipulator...) that's not the reality.

Honestly I think you'd benefit from being alone and having some perspective on why your last relationship ended and your own choices in choosing these men, and choosing to pout up with whatever they do for so long.

Sent too soon.

It might have been better to state the facts rather than explain yourself and ask for his agreement e.g.:

I'm surprised you felt I wasn't paying my way. It's disappointing that the situation reached this point . Perhaps we are better suited to be friends.

Thanks kirako the wasn't my intention when I sent it I just wanted to state my feelings without having a discussion where I end up crying and it all coming out wrong.

I don't want him to be my 'safe person' I was more than happy and prepared to be on my own with the kids, it was just because it was him and we had what I thought was a strong bond based on our history. But I totally feel like I need to be on my own and just concentrate on me and the children.
I don't want to lose his friendship but I don't want to be manipulated either.

I hadn't realised before that you have children, so just for clarity:

Please know I never tried to rip you off. I have always tried to pay my way. I thought going for a meal was romantic and although I offered to pay it was sweet and felt traditional that you paid. I offered and you reiterated how rich you are at the moment.
You both already know this. You were both there. No need to explain unless you think he has a poor memory or deliberately rewrites history. The sweet / traditional phrase says a lot.

I paid for my groceries and bought lots of lovely food to treat us both and to thank you for any help/lifts etc. I'm at a loss to understand why you said the things you did Tuesday night especially knowing what an awful day I'd had. I offered to buy the chest originally before entering into a relationship with you, it was you insisting it was a gift.
Again, let me explain myself. I was fair, you said horrible things, but rather than berate you for saying horrible things I shall try to convince you that I don't deserve it.

You know how I struggle to ask for help, when I let you help me it feels like it's thrown back in my face. It really hurt my feelings and....right now I don't need it.
Starts a bit needy but then looks like the start of a backbone.

I do not need to expend anymore emotional energy on anything that detracts from what I give to the children and what I need to keep it together. When we got together it was definitely a whirlwind, we were both in highly emotional state, you leaving and going to nz, my life falling apart and my world turned upside down. It was thrilling to find each other and felt like coming home, it felt safe and right.
Backbone? is that you? The first sentence could have been the entire email message.

I don't feel so safe anymore it seems like we often disagree on tiny things, maybe throw away stuff to you but I can't do ego stuff right now.
No, back to blaming myself, I can't do it right now rather than I'll never put up with that rubbish.

I don't know how to move on from this, I love spending time with you when we agree on stuff and having sex with you is Brilliant but I don't want to keep biting my tongue and I don't want to keep disagreeing and I've stopped being happy.
Almost a real threat , but I doubt he'll take it seriously.

I think the main skill we need is in seeing relationships clearly and knowing when to be assertive and to change things or back away.

I understand why you sent the email, I'm just giving an honest opinion.

Thanks kirako it's great to have your perspective, that's why I came here.

Your analysis totally makes sense. I'm being soft I guess because he's an old friend.
If he was just a new bf/love/last interest I know I'd be so much more clear and assertive and would have Just ended things after the first dodgy moment. But as I said before I never would have got involved with a new person. It was completely off my radar to even consider meeting somebody new, I got knocked off course because it was somebody old.

I'm not absolving myself of responsibility but I wasn't in the best frame of mind when I took this relationship on, I was carried away because I was already in a weird free fall place emotionally.

I welcome honest opinion and take it seriously. Unfortunately I can't unsend the email! Just wanted to get it out there and off my chest!

I also have 20:20 vision in hindsight.

haha don't we all!