New relationship old friends and confusion

[grassyarsesenor]

Hi. As the title suggests, I'm in a new relationship with a very old friend. We've been close Friends for ten years and I stop lit from my husband last year. Me and OF became closer over a period of time and due to knowing each other so well things moved on quite fast romantically although we waited a month or so before having sex. He already knows my children although since our relationship ship changed hes only seen them once in a very busy and uber platonic way.
My divorce has become quite messy and complicated and I'm feeling immense pressure at the moment.
I'm happy to be with OF but really only on my terms and for the good times.
It's hard to talk about what happening in my divorce etc with him because he has quite a different take on things now we're a couple and there's more emotions involved than when we were just friends.
A couple of things happened which made me confused, I suffer really badly with pmt plus the stress I'm under I don't know if I'm over reacting.
Some time ago he was selling a beautiful piece of furniture. A friend of his was buying it and I said if she onset take it I'll buy it. Consequently his friend messed him about and he offered it to me. He said it was a gift and I repeatedly offered to pay and he refused payment. He was then arranging a delivery van for the furniture, I offered to pay and again he refused.
A week or so later he said it'll cost thirty quid to move it, could you give me fifteen to which I agreed. Yesterday he said the van is all arranged and his other friend now wants the furniture again, he emphasised it's a great piece and very desirable and the van is twenty five quid and that's what I owe him. So I started feeling narked and said if your friend wants it and is willing to pay then just sell it and make some money. He then said no not want you to have it, she keeps Messing me around etc.
Sorry I know this sounds petty but now I'm at the point where I want to say fuck it just keep it, I am starting to feel beholden to him for a gift which I offered payment for in the first place...
Also I don't drive and he's been really helpful collecting things for me such as heavy groceriesd and soil. I have a disability and I always offer to pay for my things. Sometimes he accepts the money and sometimes if it's just a few quid he says don't worry. So last night he Brought me some bags of soil. I was just about to get my purse when he announced 'I am going to have to start asking for payment for things' I replied I was just about to pay for it and said 'I always pay my way' and asked what else he'd paid for where I haven't offered to pay my way or actually paid. It was uncomfortable especially as I have never taken the piss. He has paid for couple of meals even when I have insisted.
Anyway I'm rambling but honestly is it pmt/stress making me want to say say keep your 'gifts'?
I would never have normally got into a relationship at this stage in my divorce (just awaiting decree absolute) it's only because of our shared history I got involved but I don't need all this pettiness right now!

So he replied this morning and apologised for being inconsiderate and explained stuff which I already knew anyway so I haven't replied yet I don't have the energy really.
Also what else can I say that hasn't already been said?! I'm not into endless discussions and angst over the same points, I'm a middle aged woman (believe it or not!) and find those types of debate pointless and draining.

So tonight I properly finished it and we were sort of chatting about the weekend and he asked what I'm doing tomorrow and I told him about a bank holiday afternoon out with friends, other parents and all our children.
I asked him what he's doing and he said 'I'm going to cycle to such and such place with s***.

I completely over reacted because s*** is/was a long term crush of his for a few years u until quite recently, they were always umming and aahing about getting together and before we got together I checked out with him their status of the reason and he assured me that their friendship had ended and then she reappeared last week when they met for coffee.

One of the reasons I'm so hurt about tomorrow is because he took me there when we first started falling in 'love' .

It was a really big event for me when we'd gone there and then we 'split' tonight and the next fucking day he's already arranged going there with another woman who he just then informed me he took there for her birthday last year.

It just makes me feel like that memory is now meaningless. It's taken something away from that magical time.

I can't stop crying I just feel completely fucking distressed and let down, I guess my distress is about everything that's happening in my life and letting myself and my guard down but I can't believe he chose her of all people to go out with, he said he chose to go out with her because and 'she's a 'good listener' and he wanted a woman's perspective...

Fucking rrrrahhhhh I'm so fucking angry. Is it misplaced? I feel like he's slapped me in the face, he said its just coincidence, he didn't want to spend the BH on his own and coincidentally she'd texted him on Fri to arrange a meet up. I guess I wanted him to want me more and not have someone lined up who was stringing him along for a few years prior to us getting together.

Well I'm rambling again but I need to get it off my chest now before I can sleep.

Fucking asshole!!

From the outside that just says you were right to end it. For him to arrange to meet "S" and trek you about it makes it seem like he wanted to get a reaction, or he is clueless. Either way it's a sign that you've done the right thing.

And it does sound like it is a last straw situation for you, like when someone is keeping it together through the most trying circumstances then cries because they have run out of milk. A day with friends and family sounds good for you, and afterward maybe just try to see through this upset to what the real issue is and do whatever makes life better for your family.

And if he has a standard place that he takes every woman he wants to impress, again that's just about him, don't take it personally that he can't see women as individuals and can't think about an ideal day out for each individual person that he should know well if he's already friends with.

Easy to say but really, with the moodiness and being so clueless it doesn't sound like he is a long-term prospect for anyone.

You have ended with him, haven't you?
Why do you think it's a good idea to keep talking to him? You are letting yourself open for him to hurt you, as he did now. And you knew he was petty.

I don't think you can continue to be friends, tbh.

I would just let him go, move forward and avoid seeing or contacting him.

Your emotions are raw and anything he does right now is hitting a raw nerve.

The fact he made a point of telling you about his cycle ride with his other friend was done on purpose, deliberately to cause a reaction.

I suspect your long open email to him gave him far too much info about your vulnerability.

What's done is done, I'd move forward on your own, if I were you.

lweji I didn't 'keep' talking to him. I ended the relationship by email and as kirako pointed out I'd left it a bit ambiguous and he asked to meet up and discuss it and to collect his stuff (without bringing my 'stuff' and we were talking like we always have when he told me his plans and I freaked.
I possibly freaked because I'm grieving over my sham marriage and the hideously protracted divorce as well as becoming a single parent to two small children. I have anxiety and depression which had gone away when I ended the marriage but has come back tenfold over the last couple of weeks.

I don't really believe in coincidence and feel he invited that girl out today to make me feel the way I feel now.
I certainly don't envisage remaining friends, in a lot of ways this has compounded what I was starting to feel about him and justifies my wary feelings so he's done me a huge favour. I think he partly invited her because he needs constant adulation from women and I'm not in the place to offer the 100% devotion he needs.

kirako thanks for all your support and insight. Yes it is the last straw in a series of unfortunate events! And I'm at the place where spilled milk makes me cry. I'm also received that he made it easier for me to let go. Now I can concentrate on what the rebound relationship was distracting me from.
I feel a bit better about it this morning, he did and said some textbook manipulative stuff last night, really helped me to see him in a completely different light.

daisychain1 thank you you're right. I think I am reacting from a place of hurt pride and bruised ego. I had been unloved and unwanted in my marriage and this guy (OF) made me feel like a desirable woman for the first time in years and the romance seems so huge. I know it was too soon and that it was bound to peter or burn out but I am still really upset by it. I will work on moving on now and concentrate on the real stuff.

I had a similar experience to you, grassy, I was extremely vulnerable after I lost my DH, my emotions were shot to pieces and I know now that I was in no fit state to handle a relationship. Basically, I pinned a lot of hope on someone who hadn't got a clue about my pain, couldn't handle it and really played on my emotions big-time. Things like your chap, he woukd start talking about "oh just nipping round to a neighbour's to help her, as she split up from her DH" all that manipulative crap I absolutely didn't need or want. I placed too much store on a relationship that was just an illusion, in terms of depth and caring. Your chap doesn't sound like he has much empathy, maybe that's worth knowing at this stage.

Although your circumstances relate to your current emotions re your marriage etc, it is similar in terms of a "bereavement". I really identified with the things you said.

Be strong, move forward positively, even through the current hurt, and I am sure the future will start to feel much brighter. You sound switched-on and positive, you just need time to mend. You have a lot to give those DCs as well! Take care xx

daisychain01 thank you for your beautiful message sorry only just saw it.
It sounds like you're in a better place now. I have two amazing children and I need to be full present for them
Thanks again for your kindness and sharing your story.

He's a bit of an arse really, isn't he? There is a saying that I heard on MN,

People come into your life for a reason, a season, or for ever.

He could be the first or second. He isn't the third. Good luck OP, don't give him too much headspace. I've always found pettiness very unattractive.

daisychain01 I meant to say how sorry I am for the loss of your DH. Anything I'm experiencing seems small fry in comparison. I can't imagine how that must have felt for you.
I'm definitely grieving for a few things but it's not the same.

greenrexine I've never heard that saying before but I also believe that there's lessons to be learned from every experience. I think my lesson here and with my marriage is to pay more attention to my strong instincts and not to ignore them to the detriment of my mental health.

May I ask, what was the nz story?

linerunner the NZ story was that he was going away on an extended holiday (NZ!) and prior to this we'd been meeting regularly and just having nice time.
it was a welcome distraction from my divorce nd altho we'd been good friends for years there was a different kind of spark and we talked about it before he went away , it felt overwhelming to think of him going away and I was probably feeling a sense of loss for his friendship as well as for my marriage and while he was away we were emailing daily and the emails became more intense and romantic and when he came home it was like a love story.
It felt really natural and as though we'd always been together...

Grassy thank you for your kindness. Everyone's individual sadness is not to be minimised, so I dont for a moment feel what you are going through is less painful or that I am more worthy.

The experiences I gained through what happened to my DH have made me strong and I dont feel I actually lost him, he's in the other room, just waiting for me.... i have a renewed chance of happiness now with a lovely DP who I met a couple of years ago.

I hope whatever happens that your happiness will grow. Thats why we're on this planet

grassy, so you fell in love whilst you were actually apart? And now you're seeing the real deal, I guess.

daisy, - 'he's in the other room, just waiting for me ...' - I'm a hard ass most of the time but that brought a tear to my eye.