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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Unrealistic expectations, his or mine?

43 replies

Solasum · 20/05/2014 21:59

Ex and I split while I was pregnant. After a few rocky months we have finally got to a workable point of friendliness, and while he does contribute financially he rarely sees DS, even though I am trying to encourage a lot more contact getween them. Ex's family are from overseas and have made the effort to come iver to the UK twice so far (DS is nearly 5mo) and all 3 of us went over there once. DS and I have an open invitation to go over there (at their expense) and I Skype them once a week, and send them photos often as well.

To be honest, I had to go back to work at 3mo for financial reasons, much earlier than I would have liked, and consequently I only have very limited holiday, which I would like to spend with DS, my family and my friends, in that order. I do not consider going on holiday with someone else's parents on my own (though with DS, obviously) as something I am ever likely to want to do. I am very keen for DS to speak their language, and spend time with that side of his family though, and I am hoping when he is of school age he might be able to spend some time there in the holidays. (Thank you if you are still reading) I suggested that maybe ex would consider taking DS to visit his parents for 2 nights in September, when DS will be 9mo, which would give ex and him some time together, but also mean he gets to see his grandparents.

But. Ex told me this evening that he'd like to fly over with DS and drop him off with his parents and leave him there for a week while he goes on a business trip, though he might be back with them for the last day or so. My instant reaction was absolutely not. He told me to think it over.
DS will never have been away from me overnight before. He rarely sees his dad, so not really a familiar face there. He will not know who his gps are, and they have no experience at all of looking after a baby since ex himself. When they were last here, they were happy to play, but not do anything practical. And I simply do not want to be away from him for that long. Am I being silly though? He goes to nursery so is used to people, though he has a single keyworker looking after him most of the time. At 9mo, will ge really notice or care he is not with me for so long?

Very long, sorry.

OP posts:
Original poster
Solasum · 20/05/2014 22:02

I also have a (surely quite irrational, and utterky unbased on either word or deed) fear that they might not give him back. :(

OP posts:
Tinks42 · 20/05/2014 22:07

Hi OP, I split with my ex when my son was round about your little one's age and I'd say no until some sort of pattern has been set. Where do his parents live?

Original poster
Solasum · 20/05/2014 22:11

It is in Europe, approx a 2 hour flight from us.

OP posts:
heyday · 20/05/2014 22:13

Gosh you are not being silly or unreasonable. He is still so young to be put into this quite scary situation. In many cultures this is very much the norm I am sure but it's all about what you think is best for your young and vulnerable child. You are doing a great job in helping him stay connected to this side of his family and to know about his heritage and culture, whilst he is so young I would stand your ground and say no.

Celynfour · 20/05/2014 22:14

It would be a no from me for lots of reasons.

KristinaM · 20/05/2014 22:18

A no from me too. He doesn't know them. He's too young.

I think you have been extremely accommodating so far. Many others in your situation would not have gone out of their way to foster a relationship with GP when their son has not fulfilled his responsibilities

expatinscotland · 20/05/2014 22:21

A no from me. This ex would not take him there on his own, ever, because he cannot be trusted not to dump your child and take off.

Glastokitty · 21/05/2014 00:33

No way!

EverythingCounts · 21/05/2014 00:43

No, a week-long separation from you, to be spent with people he does not yet know very well at all, is just not on. If the GPs are willing to come to the UK, which it seems they are, I would encourage them to do that instead and they can get to know him in your home town so that you feel comfortable.

The best interpretation of things is that your ex means well but, as he doesn't have much hands-on child time, simply doesn't realise that a 9 mo can't just be dropped off like a parcel in this way. The point that worries you about getting him back is also an inner voice to listen to. So either way, it's just not appropriate and you should tell your ex that any such trips will be on the table when your DS is older, but not yet.

AcrossthePond55 · 21/05/2014 01:48

Another 'no' from me. He is too young and, even though you have met, these people are really strangers to you. What do you really know about them & their child rearing philosophy?

And as far as not getting him back, listen to your instincts. If you feel there's the tiniest chance of that, then definitely no way!

SweetsForMySweet · 21/05/2014 01:52

If it were me, I wouldn't let him take ds out of the country. Go with what your gut is telling you. It is a bad idea. Get legal advice before you agree to anything

LightNC · 21/05/2014 02:03

Your son is / will be tiny. I don't know what your ex is thinking of, to be honest.
Your son is not a toy, to be dumped off on barely known grandparents for a week.
I think you've been very kind and accommodating, but you have to do what is right for you and your son first, and always.

mammadiggingdeep · 21/05/2014 04:07

Oh my god, no!!!!! No way would I ever have done this. Dd1 is nearly 4 and I wouldn't even send her for a week to her grandmas that she sees once a month and lives 8 miles up the road!!!

Josiejumpismyname · 21/05/2014 04:16

It's a definite no from me too, for all the reasons all ready stated by previous posters. Listen to your gut! It's there to help you make the right decisions!

claraschu · 21/05/2014 04:46

Even suggesting this shows how little he understands what it means to be a parent.

Lweji · 21/05/2014 06:34

No fucking way!!! Angry

(I don't often swear, but this proposition would make me only use swear words in his direction)

At 9 months, he's too young to stay away with virtual strangers. His own father can't be bothered to stay the week with him.
And I didn't consider leaving DS for more than a week even with his dad (SAHF) until he was one.

He has plenty of time to develop a relationship with them. For now it's only for their benefit, not your DS!

BillnTedsMostFeministAdventure · 21/05/2014 06:48

I can't imagine they would say yes to this if they didn't do any nappy type stuff when they visited. A two hour flight is a doable weekend trip, either way.

Original poster
Solasum · 21/05/2014 08:20

I did ask about nappy type stuff, and he said thry were happy to do it, and only didn't do it hwre as they were worried about getting it wrong.

OP posts:
KristinaM · 21/05/2014 08:37

I agree with the suggestion to get legal advice. Does you ex have parental rights here in the uk? I mean, were you married when baby was born or did he go with you to register the birth?

And do you know what his legal rights are in the country where his parents live? How would you get baby back if His father decided to keep him abroad?

scarletforya · 21/05/2014 08:42

That is a ridiculous plan! He only proposes it because he's obviously clueless about babies!

A resounding NO !

Original poster
Solasum · 21/05/2014 08:49

He is on the birth certificate the one time he did insist on seeing DS I took legal advice before the baby was born, but was told there was nothing that could be done at that point that would be legally binding, and that since he would win an appeal to go on the BC I might as well save us both time and money by letting him be on there.

Technically in his country he has equal rights over DS, and while legally the system would be on my side as he is habitually resident with me, I would never want to be in this position. Ex says I am doing a great job and chooses not to do more, so I am fairly sure he would never try this. His parents are more of an unknown quantity, but as I understand their rights over DS are negligible.

OP posts:
Lweji · 21/05/2014 08:56

I don't think I'd trust his parents that much.

But, regardless, it's a stupid and selfish plan.

At 9 months the baby is probably still on separation anxiety phase and would be upset at being without at least one main carer for a week.

I wouldn't contemplate this plan until the child was at least 4 or 5 years old.

Lweji · 21/05/2014 08:57

Particularly with people he's not that familiar with.

eddielizzard · 21/05/2014 09:03

no fucking way. that IS NOT in your baby's best interests.

meddie · 21/05/2014 09:03

No. 9 months is the classic age for developing wariness of strangers and becoming clingy to those they know (separation anxiety, its a normal stage of development).
this would be the worst possible time for him to be put with what are essentially strangers.