Unrealistic expectations, his or mine?

[Solasum]

Ex and I split while I was pregnant. After a few rocky months we have finally got to a workable point of friendliness, and while he does contribute financially he rarely sees DS, even though I am trying to encourage a lot more contact getween them. Ex's family are from overseas and have made the effort to come iver to the UK twice so far (DS is nearly 5mo) and all 3 of us went over there once. DS and I have an open invitation to go over there (at their expense) and I Skype them once a week, and send them photos often as well.

To be honest, I had to go back to work at 3mo for financial reasons, much earlier than I would have liked, and consequently I only have very limited holiday, which I would like to spend with DS, my family and my friends, in that order. I do not consider going on holiday with someone else's parents on my own (though with DS, obviously) as something I am ever likely to want to do. I am very keen for DS to speak their language, and spend time with that side of his family though, and I am hoping when he is of school age he might be able to spend some time there in the holidays. (Thank you if you are still reading) I suggested that maybe ex would consider taking DS to visit his parents for 2 nights in September, when DS will be 9mo, which would give ex and him some time together, but also mean he gets to see his grandparents.

But. Ex told me this evening that he'd like to fly over with DS and drop him off with his parents and leave him there for a week while he goes on a business trip, though he might be back with them for the last day or so. My instant reaction was absolutely not. He told me to think it over.
DS will never have been away from me overnight before. He rarely sees his dad, so not really a familiar face there. He will not know who his gps are, and they have no experience at all of looking after a baby since ex himself. When they were last here, they were happy to play, but not do anything practical. And I simply do not want to be away from him for that long. Am I being silly though? He goes to nursery so is used to people, though he has a single keyworker looking after him most of the time. At 9mo, will ge really notice or care he is not with me for so long?

Very long, sorry.

Really dreadful idea. Your baby no doubt feels safe and secure in his routines with you - have a read up on 'attachment' with children if you don't already know about it.

It is a truly awful idea to take him away from that to strangers. I think he would be extremely stressed and upset without you. Awful. Don't do it!

might be back with them for the last day or so

Reading between the lines he is not guaranteeing actually returning to pick his son up. Given he appears to not want much involvement with his ds I can see him returning empty handed because he didn't consider picking his ds up from gps a priority.

I actually think you are being too accommodating.

I wouldn't agree to this.

Apart from anything else 9 months is when separation anxiety kicks in, so not a good time to have him handed across Europe like a pass the parcel, from ex to GPs and back again.

I had dc in nursery from 3 months and this made it even less likely that I would give up even more time apart.

Your ex seems to be happy to allow his parents to take on PR by proxy, as he is happy to use a business trip to use up the time your DS would be away from you. Just as you do not want to use your holiday to facilitate trips to his family, he seems not to want to use any holiday to see his own DS.

There is a test question I have seen on MN to be applied when taking a bit of a risk: is it for the child's benefit or the adults? In this case the risk inherent in taking a child for a week to stay with people he doesn't know is to expedite your ex's business trip and make the childcare and family visit convenient for him.

No way, it's too young.
If you want to know how x and I scheduled it (bearing in mind we were living together when this started and he sees him lots now)
18 months - ds went away with his dad for 2 weeks.
2 yo - 3 weeks.
At 4yo we built this up to 4 weeks. At this time ds also stayed for 3 days with his gparents without his dad. He does this most trips now but no longer than 3 days. He's far from fluent in the language and finds it hard work to communicate for log periods.
Teaching your DS their language won't be easy unless he's seeing his dad several times a week and only hearig that language. Will your ex stick to that?

Also don't underestimate how different raising kids will be in his country. The PILs will be very likely to do things you would hate, simply from ignorance.

Not that PILs doing things you hate is always a bad thing per se, most children staying with grandparents or other family members will experience differences, and to an extent, that is the whole point. As long as it isn't dangerous or harmful.

But the timing and circumstances are all wrong for this proposed trip.

You are working very hard to facilitate al this, in the face of not much hands on assistance from your ex. What are your main aims in supporting it all?

Ehric, I cannot even begin to contemplate having to let DS go for a whole month. That must be so hard for you both.

Languagewise, it is a language I speak a little myself, so we are reading and listening to it a bit at home. Reading the same story repeatedly is not so bad if I feel I am at least learning something too!

To be honest it's ok, we worked up to it and it's twice a year so regular enough to become normal. DS enjoys it which is the point, if he didn't he wouldn't go for so long.
Why can't they visit you here? (In a hotel)

My main aim, I suppose, is in the long term to have a situation whereby DS feels that both sides of his family know and love him, even if his dad is not around much.(Though I think when he is older and 'easier' his dad may make more effort). He is bi-cultural by birth, and while he is obviously growing up here and so will probably feel more English than anything else, the other culture is part of him as well, and I think he should embrace that. Maybe I am being hopelessly idealistic though. This is all, obviously, new to me.

I have bi-cultural, bi-racial dc with family a plane ride away (but my DP is still within our family).

I think 'some knowledge of and familiarity with' is a valuable thing, but that can happen through visits and holidays with his dad when he is a bit older. But your ex needs to realise that being a regular part of his life in the run up to and in between trips is that will make the relationship a success and of value in his son's life - and of more value than familiarity with the language, cooking or cultural festivals of his parent's country. i.e it is his quality as a Dad, not his cultural diversity, that is of most importance and value.

This plan of 'I'll drop a 9m old off at his gp's who barely know him, what he likes, what his routines are, how to look after him' plan is not the way to go about it.

He's too little to be away from you for that long. Put your foot down, nicely, and tell the GPs that you hope to build up to longer visits as he gets older.
Grandparents have no legal grounds for making demands, and if your XP kicks up, he won't get anywhere either. No court would agree that it's in a child's interest to be separated from his mum for a week at this age to be parked with grandparents he barely knows.

Sounds like, up to now, you have found a really good workable solution to joint parenting albeit you are doing the lions share, its working and you are not having major issues between you. That is how it needs to stay.

This suggesting doesn't sound to have been made with malice aforethought but just without the forethought and any experience of the day to day needs of a little one.

You are clearly unhappy on various levels, and not unreasonably so, and so the answer must be NO.

I think the bigger problem that you have is HOW you say no firmly and nicely without including any contentious issues that may not ever have crossed his mind but vocalising any of your fears could light the blue touch paper and rock your, so far, reasonably stable relationship.

If it were me I would err on the side of blaming his age and simply admit that you know its perhaps a little irrational but you know you would simply not be comfortable yourself to be so far apart for so long at this stage. Say you have no objections to GP's coming here try to keep it light but be firm and clear that this is non negotiable.

It might make some sense if his dad (or even the grandparents) was a regular in his life (at least weekly, overnight) and he was with him for the week.

Just say no. And keep saying no.

Yes, just keep saying 'Not yet' rather than 'No' and don't be drawn into discussions. Good luck.

He's just too young!!!

Good heavens, what is that man thinking??!!

You're right, legally, right now is not the time to rock the boat. So keep it as 'not yet, he's too young'. School age sound about right IMO, but I do warn you, my DS1 is 7 years old and refuses to even consider going away from me for even a night at the moment (friend has offered to have DC overnight) so it may not be a given that you can send him to spend time there on his own.

In a few years, when you have a clear routine established and your Ex has little relationship with your child, only then you might want to consider going for sole parental rights.

Another "no" from me too. Also echoing what others have said re. separation anxiety: both my DCs' anxiety peaked at around 9 months.

Solasum If that is how you feel, then why don't you say that to your ex? That you want him to have a part in your parents' hearts too, but now is way too young. He is too young to be separated from you to be honest. My nephew was in a similar situation before but I think it was only when he was much older that he was looked after by my mother so that saved a little bit of childcare then.

If his parents are only around 2 hours flight away, is it not possible maybe to push for say weekend stays maximum, with you going over as well ? I think it is fair to go over only if when the baby is much more mobile and older, and is sleeping okay.