Is handful of sex in 7 years a deal breaker to marriage?

[Chocolate99]

Evening all, I dont know if it is just me or would anyone else think that a complete lack of sex is a good enough reason to split? I am mid thirties been with DH for ten years, married for 6. Last time we had sex was almost 4 years ago, literally a one off that produced our son who is 3.

Before that it was about 3 years previous so in total had sex about twice in 7 years. This is DHs choice not mine, he says it is not physical he is just too tired, stressed, or after we have been arguing says he doesnt want it but this has been happening for years not weeks. I will say straight off that i do not believe he is having an affair, he literally is too lazy for that, anyone who knows him would think the same. There are other issues in the marriage - he works in emergency services and does 7 shifts over 35 days so we only get 4 days together in that time as a family so always just me and DS hanging out with other families.

When it comes to money he earns double what i do, we have seperate accounts and his money is his to do with what he will, my money goes on me and DS. he is a bit of a bully in that he says I am mental if i disagree with him over things, even really little petty non issue things like whether another car is parked correctly?! When he is home is he not present, always on laptop looking at cars etc. He is very lazy in family and friend relationships too, this is not unique to me. I feel him may be depressed as he doesnt open curtains on his days off whilst i am at work, he has no interests or hobbies beyond work, doesnt look after himself physically and is a complete slob around the house.

It sounds awful but i am daydreaming of a little house for me and DS where i can do what i want, we dont have to get out of the house because he is sleeping due to night shift, i dont have to clean up after someone who is never at home when we are, also no sex is really affecting my confidence and feel very unattractive. Beginning to wonder what i get out of the relationship in all honesty, beyond having a dad for my son.

I will state that he is not a horrible person, however his priorities seem to be work/money/cars whereas mine are being happy, family first etc. He is a good dad and i feel like we ate more like friends now due ti lack of intimacy and doubt whether this can be recovered. I have discussed this with him a month ago saying i felt we were both miserable to ehich he agreed. he promised to do relate, make more time as a couple and book time off work - none of this has come to fruition and now feel like back to square one. Is all of the above a good enough reason to split the family up in your opinion, if it was you what would you do? X

He won't get better! He doesn't give a shit.

ha ha love your directedness Lewji, can i keep you in my pocket for the next few weeks? :)

Did his first marriage end for the same reasons? If yes, nothing you do will make any difference in your marriage, he's the problem.

Expat, i hear you entirely, and that is exactly the sort of advice i would be giving someone else and i dont know why i am keeping going, just dont like giving up on things, its not like i like the challenge though on this occasion :). That last sentence does sum it up very well. When i asked him if he thought we should split given that neither of us is happy, he said its up to you..?!

Hi Zucker Hmm not sure of ins and outs only that it was an incredibly short marriage, although mutual friends have let slip on a few occasions that he was a knob with money with her too. Less than a year i think.

Once an arse always an arse Chocolate. Time to make a new life for yourself and your son without that lump dragging you both down.

Oh thanks cutefluffybunnes, that is very true, i hadnt thought of the end goal of relate other than trying to be heard. But i suppose if he isnt listening to me now, is £50 an hour going to make him listen morer less? I would ultimately like to split amicably but i know if i go after what he sees as his money, he will not be at all amicable. I am definitely going to go for the money if we do split though to provide for DS, as who knows if he is going to have another child in the future and he should always be the priority. Its not all his anyway, we both put £50k deposit down when we bought the house, in last argument he offered me £10k to piss off out of his house - idiot if he thinks i believe that is fair or legal.

You're a saint to have put up with it so far, really.

Be careful and get legal.

Who paid for the holiday?

Relate is not advised for couples where there's abuse anyway. And he is abusive.
Relate is for when couples are struggling to communicate effectively, or need to reconnect.
This is not the case at all.

I think you have given this relationship a good shot. Honestly there is so much more to a relationship than the one you're in. I don't know what you have to lose tbh.

Go on girl. Free yourself!

Both of us paid for holiday a couple of months ago. i have sorted £200 soending money for DS by selling toys he has outgrown etc, clothes never worn, so that he can have whatever he wants whilst there. I dont feel like a saint Lweji, i feel like i have turned into a nagging old miserable cow who no one wants to shag ha ha! I know is is not me and when its just the 2 of us, me and DS, we have a lovely time and friends have said maybe DH feels left out? However, he is the one who loves his job which makes him do such downright feamily unfriendly shifts and is also not i terested when he is at home. I would never dream of doing that, work is something i enjoy and which pays for me to do nice things when with DD, thats it, but to him its the be all and end all, presumably because he is high ranking he gets the attention and respect he doesnt get from me?!

'i have sorted £200 soending money for DS by selling toys he has outgrown etc, clothes never worn, so that he can have whatever he wants whilst there.'

He earns twice what you do and is unwilling to provide his own child with spending money for a holiday?

What a fucking nob.

Quitelikely, i do feel like i am settling and when he says he wants to try i felt my resolve go out the window i am afraid to say because that was the easy way out and i hoped that we could for DS sake. However, the fact i have the divorce forms hidden and am applying for single tax credits to see what i could get, (getting my ducks in a row so to speak) kind of speaks volumes. Although i am a very organised and practical person so would always sort that sort of stuff out anyway, i feel like i am keeping that option on te backurner for after the holidays. Feel like in limbo though dont want to stay but not 100% ready to leave, but not sure why really!

Leaving is like climbing over a fence. You analyse what is the best way and it can be hard while you do it, but then you are on the other side and it's a lot easier.
Although a better analogy in your case might be to climb out of a well. But you have to, or the walls may crash on you. Sometimes we only leave when the walls are already crashing. You can now do it when it's safer.

Once you do it, you will wonder why it took you so long. :)

If you've decide to split and I think you should you can stop being his wife. So separate bedrooms if have the room. Stop doing his washing. Stop cooking for him. If life becomes a little less comfortable he might consider leaving the house. You don't actually have to leave and uncomfortable as it would be you can separate while living together.

And, eventually, you can legally force him to leave, or for the house to be sold.

Get legal advice.

It's a deal breaker, sex once in 4 years is a dead marriage.

I think you should head back to the solicitor to discuss some of your concerns about the house, about him potentially going nasty when you try to split the assets, about his threats to take custody of your DC - all of it. Just write down all the stuff you're worried about and thrash it out - a much better use of money than Relate in your case! As Lweji said, it is possible to force a sale of the house, or for you to remain in the house as your DC's main caregiver. I would be hesitant about him buying you out, as depending where you are living, house prices are rising so fast that an 'asking price' can be £££ too low when the bidding wars happen. If you live in London of the SE, I might want the house sold to maximise my return!

But all of that is stuff for your solicitor.

Do you have travel insurance? Cancel the holiday and use the money on your new life instead. £200 will buy you DS some brilliant stuff for his new bedroom!

Thanks for that analogy Lweji, my solicitor did say divorce can seem massive but if you do it one step at a time it does not seem so bad. i think because once that divorce petition is registered at court it is pretty much a done deal, that is what is irreversible. On the hand that is appealing because it means i cant change my mind and have to move forward, but on the other is is so very final.

Anomaly, we live entirely seperate lives already, literally like ships that pass in the night. We even do our own food shopping..

cutefluffybunnes - this house is too big for me and DS and probably too big for him too so think he will want to sell, shame as lovely area and lovely neighbours. have had 2 est agents out in last few weeks whilst he has been at work, valued £250k and mortgage is minimal so will both have min £100k equity each if 50/50 split. Mortgage wise he would be able to get a great deal more than me as on double my wage.

Thanks so much for your replies it really does help to gain a perspective from an outsider, you are speaking a lot of sense right now! Xoxox

I remember you asking about him before and everyone told you the same then as they are now, honestly, you only get one life.

it would be in mine, sounds like you need to sit down and think about what you consider a 'dealbreaker' and what you are getting from this partnership vs what you want. It does sound like the end of the line though