Is handful of sex in 7 years a deal breaker to marriage?

[Chocolate99]

Evening all, I dont know if it is just me or would anyone else think that a complete lack of sex is a good enough reason to split? I am mid thirties been with DH for ten years, married for 6. Last time we had sex was almost 4 years ago, literally a one off that produced our son who is 3.

Before that it was about 3 years previous so in total had sex about twice in 7 years. This is DHs choice not mine, he says it is not physical he is just too tired, stressed, or after we have been arguing says he doesnt want it but this has been happening for years not weeks. I will say straight off that i do not believe he is having an affair, he literally is too lazy for that, anyone who knows him would think the same. There are other issues in the marriage - he works in emergency services and does 7 shifts over 35 days so we only get 4 days together in that time as a family so always just me and DS hanging out with other families.

When it comes to money he earns double what i do, we have seperate accounts and his money is his to do with what he will, my money goes on me and DS. he is a bit of a bully in that he says I am mental if i disagree with him over things, even really little petty non issue things like whether another car is parked correctly?! When he is home is he not present, always on laptop looking at cars etc. He is very lazy in family and friend relationships too, this is not unique to me. I feel him may be depressed as he doesnt open curtains on his days off whilst i am at work, he has no interests or hobbies beyond work, doesnt look after himself physically and is a complete slob around the house.

It sounds awful but i am daydreaming of a little house for me and DS where i can do what i want, we dont have to get out of the house because he is sleeping due to night shift, i dont have to clean up after someone who is never at home when we are, also no sex is really affecting my confidence and feel very unattractive. Beginning to wonder what i get out of the relationship in all honesty, beyond having a dad for my son.

I will state that he is not a horrible person, however his priorities seem to be work/money/cars whereas mine are being happy, family first etc. He is a good dad and i feel like we ate more like friends now due ti lack of intimacy and doubt whether this can be recovered. I have discussed this with him a month ago saying i felt we were both miserable to ehich he agreed. he promised to do relate, make more time as a couple and book time off work - none of this has come to fruition and now feel like back to square one. Is all of the above a good enough reason to split the family up in your opinion, if it was you what would you do? X

I would leave.

What are you gaining from this relationship?

I'm struggling to see what you get out of the relationship from what you have said? It doesn't matter what would be a deal breaker for anyone else. If you are not happy, and he is not prepared to do anything to address that then I don't think there is a lot to be gained by sticking with it.

I would leave too. Especially whilst I was still in my mid 30's.

It's not only about sex, is it?

And he's not a good dad if he spends all family time on the computer and leaves all the work for you.

If you are not happy, you can leave. It's ok.

No, he's a horrible person. A good dad doesn't treat his son and son's mother this way. He is not depressed, he's a self-centred twat.

I'd round up copies of as many of his statements of assets as possible, make another copy of all of them and stash it at work, then see a solicitor about filing for divorce before saying a word to him.

Then tell him you're over because you are sick of living with a miserly, bullying, lazy specimen.

He sounds awful. The sex is the least of the issues here IMO, though yes, the vast majority of people would think the relationship is untenable based on that alone.

Are you one of those people who thinks you only have a "right" to leave if he's beating you etc?

The thing is though he is financially abusing you, that I can tell you right off the bat. Not sure why you're putting up with that? Have you agreed to this arrangement? Because it's ridiculous, unless you happen to be independently wealthy of something.

He calls you mental if you disagree with you. So that's psychological abuse too.

Your son doesn't have a dad, the man ignores him and teaches him nothing about life except that he should marry a woman who does everything for him and then ignore her. Not even shag her! I mean he could at least do that if he's going to withold money and household help!!!

You're not awful for daydreaming of a non-abusive household for your son.

It's not your problem if the man is depressed. What could you possibly do about that? You've told him you're not happy, he's made promises and then broken them...

He doesn't respect you, get rid and start building a happy home for your child.

Your wasting your best years on him. Leave

^ so many typos, sorry!

You don't need a reason to leave. It's your life - make the best of it you can.

I wouldn't say lack of sex is the biggest issue. He is a bully - belittles you. Mean with his money. I'm guessing gives very little time or energy to his son. Gives nothing physically or emotionally to you, the running of the house etc.

What would you miss about him ?

I would find a time when he's not stressed or tired and talk to him again. Get the diary out and plan some time off together. Take some days out to go & have lunch while your DS is at school. Maybe when he's relaxed a bit you could offer him a massage and see where things go...

I've been where you are! Tiredness, night shifts, etc. are not condusive to a close relationship, but you do need to get him to work out a plan with you. He's probably not happy with the way things are either.

Whilst I struggle with DH and I having mismatched sex drives, for me, that alone isn't reason enough to split, as frustrating as it is for me. However, combined with the other things you list, I would want to get out of this relationship too in your position. He isn't making you happy and makes no attempt to address the problems. Unfortunately you can't fix a relationship on you own, he has to make effort too.

Any one of those reasons would be a deal breaker for most people. He sounds like a shit dad and a shit husband.

Just having read through the other posts, I do seem to be in the minority. I wouldn't stay with a bully etc. But you loved each other once, so I would explore making things better before giving up on this. Then if that didn't work... suitcase!

Wow, that was a very quick response, thank you everyone, little pearls of wisdom, each and every one - all the points ring true too :( I did see 2 different solicitors before i spoke to him last month as he always says you can get out of my house etc and i will keep son! Obviously sols told me this was not the case, i have taken a copy of his pension, he is very precious about that and police pensions are generally good so solcitor said to definitely go after that even if using purely as a bartering tool for more equity. You got it in one Oikopolis, i do feel that because there is no affair ( i wish there was!) or domestic abuse, it feels silly to leave for all these reasons. I think bit by bit they have all just accumulated over the years and i have accepted them. Not sure if saying he would try was a stalling tactic as he doesnt want financial hassle of divorce?!

Thank you Miranda, yes i have tried those things the last few weeks, he said he needed to fix his third! car on one of the days i booked DS into nursery. When it came to why he wouldnt commit to relate he said he couldnt afford it?! tbh given the lack of intimacy we have reached now, it feels weird when he gives me a peck on the cheek..almost like a lodger who is sometimes here. I do appreciate your thougghts though and i have thought that way myself for months, trying to get him yo book time off etc but its just not happening.

Sugarmice, yes i have recently, after all these years realised that it is not the way i am saying things, or asking things that is wrong, it is because he doesnt want to put any effort in. I can only do my 50% i cant do his too. He says he needs a wife to look after him, i already look after myself and DS and feel that this is a cop out, no pun intended! I dont resent looking after 3 yr old because he is a child but i do resent looking after a grown man who does nothing in return for me. I cant even remember tha last time he said anything nice to me or complimented me, he acts like it would literally pain him to say anything positive, which i realise is not normal or husband like.

He sounds as if he needs counselling of some sort - or as you say, Relate.

That was my first port of call so to speak Miranda as having same arguments over and over again, he tried it at end of first marriage and said it was pointless. When i told him i wanted to split he agreed to make appt, he then didnt when i asked why he said it was a waste of time, he couldnt afford it etc. i asked him again this week and he reluctantly said again he will "try" and see about booking it. In the same way he says he will try and put the recycling out, he will try and cut the grass - basically things he doesnt want to do. On the very rare occasion I am going out straight from work, possibly twice a year, he says he will try and finish on time to pick up our DS from nursery and can i text him to remind him..not sure whether it might be beneficial for me to go alone and see what is to be done!

You gave him a chance, he didn't take it.
You now have to move on, or he'll just feel justified in keeping it all the same.

Really sorry; I stopped reading after the first paragraph. My gut reaction is that this is not acceptable and just not sustainable in a relationship in the long term. Sex once every 4 years is not the sign of a working marriage. xx

You can go to counselling for yourself, but hopefully it will help you get in the right frame of mind to want more than this and find the strength to leave.

He treats you as a servant, is financially abusive, and gets away with a will try.

Bloody tell him that there are no more tries he does it or it's the end.

'He says he needs a wife to look after him,'

He is an adult.

He bullies and belittles you.

He is selfish with money.

He threatens you, 'I'll kick you out of my house and keep our child.'

He refuses to go to counselling.

He has checked out of the relationship.

You sound like a lovely and very sensible person. You need to gather your thoughts and get your act together so that you can enjoy a relationship with someone who deserves you. And so that your son can see how to behave so that he can enjoy a happy marriage with someone who deserves him.

I guess i am putting it off in the hope we could mend instead of end, plus all the upheaval of a split - he wont move out if we do split, will just expect to carry on as normal, not taking me seriously etc I could just about afford to rent with DS whilst waiting for him to buy me out but think the money would be better spent elsewhere. Plus would rather stay in marital home for DSs sake, consistency and stable environment. I even have the divorce petition form in the house, just kept putting off looking at them while he has been nice. We are going on a much awaited family holiday next month too, worse timing ever!

Even if you went to Relate and invested months in trying to work it out together --- what is it you want back? If you haven't had much sex in 7 years, he does nothing around the house, he expects you to tiptoe around his shifts and pick up after him, he does not value or love or compliment or care for you... why would you want to save this relationship?

Your son will still have a father even if you are no longer his father's wife. The solicitor you saw will have explained to you that after all these years of marriage and a child, it is not 'his house' nor 'his money' and most certainly not 'his son' and only his.

Go back to the solicitor and get started on that lovely life you are imagining with just you and your son. You'll even get a break from childcare on the days and nights he spends with his Dad. That will give you time to find someone who deserves you!