"Script" followed by emotionally abusive partners to make other person stay?

[IncompleteJigsaws]

I've just written about my DSis's relationship on another thread. Sorry to start another thread so soon - I have very limited time to talk to my sister, and really want to get something like this to show her today.

So, I just wondered whether anyone can link to anything describing a typical "script" used by abusive partners to try to prevent the other person leaving?

I've seen mention of it on other threads, and would like to help my DSis see differently the ways in which she's possibly being coerced into staying.

Thank you in advance.

In my experience it was total denial of a problem. Made me wonder if I was over exaggerating.

Yep, denial, denial, denial.

I wondered for a couple of years if he was actually trying to drive me out by behaving so horribly. But then if I questioned what was going on (his chance to end it all), he'd deny deny deny. And gaslight by saying I was imagining things/there was something wrong with me.

Oh and the tiny amounts of kindness and affection drip fed to you, which by that stage you feel so pathetically grateful for, and hope that everything will be ok again, that it makes you hang on longer.

Thanks mamma.
Sorry to hear you've been in this situation.

Is an inability to accept any blame, and crying and being nice when leaving is suggested also part of a "script"?

Thanks Kentish. Really sorry to hear you went through this too.

I think I'd sum it up by saying you end up living with the whole good cop/bad cop package in one person. Their swinging from awful to nice week to week, day to day, hour to hour, psychologically effects you and you cannot see the situation clearly or make good decisions.

I don't have a link but here's my list from observation and experience

• 'Gaslighting' - claiming that the other person is mis-remembering, making up lies, imagining the whole thing or that they are not right in the head
• Denial and stonewalling. Straight refusal to accept the facts
• Sulking/silence/withdrawal. Refusal to discuss
• Blame. Throwing their own faults back on the victim. A controlling man will accuse their victim of being controlling, for example.
• Intimidation and threats. Threats to harm the victim, their possessions, pets. Threats to take the children away, sue for custody or report to Social Services. Threats of suicide or self-harm
• Violence, aggression.

Alternated with

• Charm, expressions of affection, grand gestures.
• Claims that they only behave they way they do because they 'love' the victim so much
• Promises to change, attend counselling, anger management courses and other measures to kick the can down the road.
• Actual change, good behaviour even kindness... which only lasts a short time until the dust has settled.

Forgot one.... tears. Big fat ones of the crocodile variety. :)

THank you Cogito - that's an extremely useful list (and rings horribly true to what she's now told me)

someone on Mumsnet linked this once, could be worth a read

Also garlicleGrenouille's post near the bottom of p1 here has some outstanding things in.

I hope that your sister is ok

that second link has an interloper

here is the correct one baggage reclaim

and another chumplady

Weird neediness to make you feel like a bitch/unreasonable. I suppose a kind of gaslighting?
Whispering folornly about love being thrown back in his face, veiled dramatic mentions of ending it all (with 'what would people think of you then...?').

Eventually, thankfully, one day I said "jump in the fucking canal then." and walked out.
3 weeks later he had taken up with another much younger than him same as me woman wearing the clothes he wanted and being pushed into marriage after 3 dates (he was never physical but made to feel EVIL for wearing slutty clothes, not eating his obsessive diet, speaking to other people etc'). They are still together. I sometimes worry about her... :(

Thanks Anyfucker - will have a look at those now.

Meetka - thank you - that thread looks really useful.

squizita - that rings true.
Sorry you had to go through that.

If all else fails they'll usually throw in a suicide threat or 20.

Promises to change which are never acted on. Whining and tantrumming if some tiny token gesture of niceness is not greeted with ecstatic fawning and instant obedience.
Ludicrous (when looked at later) 'suicide' attempts when never actually put the abuser in any real danger eg standing on a bridge looking anguished, or swallowing two and a half aspirins and claiming to have 'overdosed.'
And insisting that every punch, kick, lie, insult or damage to posessions is the fault of the victim, for not opening her legs enough, not showing enough 'respect', looking at other men, answering back, etc.

XH threatened suicide a few times, until the last time he climbed over our (2nd floor) balcony and I called the emergency services.

Slagging me off to friends and family.

Weirdly he went through a stage of preparing nice dinners (candles, flowers, three courses). It was worse IMO than the shouting and the violence. Creeped me the hell out.

Trying to make all his behaviour her fault.
If only she did, if only she didn't do whatever, he wouldn't get angry, feel resentful, feel unloved.

Thanks, MNHQ x

Yes-being nice all of a sudden when they know you're serious.

Last week, I was in the surreal situation of my ex's "next" asking me whole sorts of questions as to his behaviour. His speciality now seems to be crying (his daughter, who he used as "women bait" even said to her that "Daddy really loves you more than anyone he's been with. he lets the tears fall when he "cries" to you!).
Crying, telling sad stories of childhood, gaslighting, drip feeding "kindness", talking down the women who he was with before you (red flag for me, but too many women get validation from this) and "make up sex" seem to be techniques that emotionally abusive partners use to control their partners. Isolation is another tactic used too. Either the abused partner "shrinks" her life in the vain hope that things will change, or the abusive partner starts with the "I don't like your friend" spiel, which can translate as "I'll shag her behind your back, if I get a chance and she can run back to me with your concerns and we'll laugh after you, together".
But a lack of accountability towards anything that can be interpreted as "negative' seems to be the overall trait that will signify emotional abuse.

I second most of these. Especially the thinly veiled and sometimes outright threats of suicide. Usually at the point of leaving.

It's a final attempt at control.

What a useful thread for me too, thank you OP. I told dh on Thursday that I am done when he shouted at our 12 yr old, called him a very unkind name and made him cry. Final straw. He has cried on and off for days, I do believe in his head they are genuine, and we have talked at length, or rather he has, about how awful he is, how he doesn't blame me, how he has no right to ask for yet another chance. BUT! How do I still end up feeling like the bad guy for finally bringing this awful and ongoing situation to an end?! Anyway, didn't mean to derail the thread, genuinely wanted to say thanks, it's very useful to me and no doubt others.