"Script" followed by emotionally abusive partners to make other person stay?

[IncompleteJigsaws]

I've just written about my DSis's relationship on another thread. Sorry to start another thread so soon - I have very limited time to talk to my sister, and really want to get something like this to show her today.

So, I just wondered whether anyone can link to anything describing a typical "script" used by abusive partners to try to prevent the other person leaving?

I've seen mention of it on other threads, and would like to help my DSis see differently the ways in which she's possibly being coerced into staying.

Thank you in advance.

Meant no doubt his tears are genuine, hate using mnet on my phone!

You feel like the bad guy because 'guilt-tripping' is a big weapon in the nasty bastard's armoury. They can't keep someone in a relationship with them by being a decent human being. They are so inadequate they have to resort to tricks like emotional manipulation, intimidation, sob-stories, threats, promises. It's designed to confuse and control.

makeitalarge ... If he's been that mean to your son, your 12 year old son, and then he says "how awful he is and has no right to ask for another chance" ... The only reasonable answer is "you're right. Now please do the decent and best thing and leave. "

If he actually does it and makes it easy as he can for you and your son, he meant it and can maybe be a good parent during and after the separation.

But I bet a lot of people who say these things would turn nasty and angry instead.

This no doubt will sound harsh, but honestly don't think my dh is intelligent enough to do a lot of it on purpose. I just think he's a silly fool who thinks he can make little effort, not listen to what I want and I will somehow keep putting up with it. He's not clever enough to do it in a calculating fashion, not clever enough for tricks, he's just relied on me being a mug. The stupid thing is, I am of reasonable intelligence but have allowed this to carry on for years, telling myself I am staying for the kids. Noooo! I've woken up finally to how daft that is.

Blaming you for his behaviour. It's your fault I get cross/swear at you/insult you.

Pretend it's not happening

Refusal to accept it's over

Jeckyll and Hyde character nice one minute/evil the next

Threats to sell house/take name off accounts/shut electric/gas/water off/not pay stuff/to leave (if only that one was followed through)

Insults thrown at you

Aggressive nature/walks past muttering insults/swearing at you.

Asking why your are being horrid

Trying to get you back

Mine told me I would have to tell his parents and his children that we were splitting up as I was the one who wanted to split and they would be really really upset.

What actually happened the first time we split was one of his daughters refused to speak to him, saying it was entirely his fault. Wise beyond her years, that one. She'd seen how he spoke to and treated me. Then when we finally split he accused me of being cold and selfish and did a now quite hilarious flounce out of the house, saying he'd sleep in his van. Once he'd left I cried for about five minutes, dusted myself down and opened a lovely bottle of wine I'd been saving.

He now has a new partner, who - oh the irony - helps and mentors victims of domestic abuse

Thanks Meerka :) I genuinely think my dh is deep down a decent, hard working guy who has has a crap upbringing with awful example set by his parents. I'm the only girlfriend he's ever had, I do honestly think he'll struggle to move on. However, I can't keep putting up with the poor parenting, the lack of husbandry skills and settling for so little. It's been awful for years. They're not all ogres but it's still okay, I hope, to say Enough's enough. Apologies again for the slight derailment!

Here's a few my best mate's cock lodger has come up with:

Encouraged her to spend her inheritance on a hugely expensive lease of a property in the arse end of nowhere so they could 'start a new life together' - translates as: so he could visit her without his wife finding out.

Turned out to have two more children than he'd originally disclosed.

Sabotaged job interviews by promising to look after her dc then not turning up.

Sent threatening messages via social media to her friends.

Got her to delete all her social media accounts on the basis that he couldn't be trusted not to use them to send aforesaid threats, or shark other women. So it would be best if they both agreed to close down their accounts, no?

Moved her into a house owned by a family member of his, & persuaded her to claim HB fraudulently on it.

Oh yes - begged her to get pregnant, then as soon as she did, made a huge celebratory fuss about it for a couple of weeks then said he'd leave if she didn't get an abortion.

largeone yes, it is ok to end it even if they are not utter monsters

if it's not good enough for you, that is all it needs