Tell me about your mother

[Aqualegia]

I was at an Arts' Festival on Sunday and met Tracey Kershaw, who is currently running a project entitled "Tell Me About Your Mother"

traceykershaw.co.uk/projects/tell-me-about-your-mother/

People were invited to sit in a comfy chair, give a few moments' thought to their mother, write a few words and then post them (anonymously) into a box. Tracey then printed out a few onto a calico material and hung them on a washing line (looked incredible).

It was strangely moving for me. I ended up writing something like, "She came from a long line of mothers who didn't enjoy being mothers. By being brave and honest enough to admit this to me, she enabled me to transform the future of that line" ... which is better than my usual lazy condemnation of her limited mothering capacity.

Over to you. Imagine it on a washing line, flapping gently in a nice breeze :)

Hardworking and inspirational as an economic role model. A community leader through example.

Having said that, someone with an unhealthy interest in weight, which translated to me. Deeply concerned with what others think - not moreso than reality- but very keen to get back to an accepted status quo.

A great sounding board as an adult, albeit rather unbending when I was under 20, particularly regarding sex.

My mum was there when I was rejected, she went through many months of screening, panels and courts.
She showed me love, warmth and kindness.
Whatever I threw at her she managed, however bad I was she forgave me.
Not a day goes by for what I don't think of her.

Not exactly washing line succinct, but from the heart.
Bless our mothers.

She loved my Dad more than us, he returned that. I've never seen them so happy since he retired and they are together 24/7.

My overwhelming memory of my childhood was fear, she would screaming terrifying meltdowns where she would beat us, punching, kicking, choking, spitting on us. She often told me that she should have aborted me. I was terrified of her.

As an adult she has been supportive to a certain extent and apologised for our childhoods but she has also triangulated all of our relationships with other family members, mostly negatively so we don't have much to do with them. She is not very loyal to us and once said in front of our entire family "I just don't know where I went wrong, both my children are utter failures".

I realised I would never like her or have a true relationship with her when she told me that she wasn't surprised that my horrendously abusive ex H had treated me as he had.

So to sum up:-

"I started out loving you, but I grew too frightened off you to keep on and you always loved and respected everyone else more than me"

I'm sorry, I can't read everyone else's posts because they are probably lovely as the should be.

Mine was/is cruel, cold and uncaring and I have not one happy memory of her

I am fast coming to the conclusion that my mother is a narcissist, and wondering what the hell to do next.

My mother is gone and to be honest it hurts so much I try not to think of her too much. I don't think I really appreciated her until I had my first DD and then I understood. I come from a large family and amidst the chaos, I knew the world was at rights when I would see her reading her historical novel quietly in a corner. That woman was a soldier, an absolute brick. Terribly resilient . I can forgive her faults more easily now my kids are out of their cute toddler stages and drive me mad often. It's harder to e holier than thou when you see your own mistakes looming on the horizon.'How she managed to have a unique relationship with each of her children and her grandchildren I don't know. Trouble is, it's a lot to live up to.

My mother...loved me in the best way she knew how, her disabled daughter. Seems to love me most when I am sick or injured. I feel her love but she never says it to me. Has hurt me more deeply than any other person on this earth. Is the first person I turn to in time of need. Loves my children fiercely, would lay down her life for them. My friend, my enemy, my mother..

My mother is the strongest person I know.
She had to suffer the pain of losing her grandson, watch her daughter (me) go through the grief of losing her son, but was always there, full of love to drag me through to the other side.
Although she was there for me completely, I have never acknowledged her grief, as I let her 'mother' me through my own.
I am so proud to be her daughter

What a lovely thread and to all those who have written so lovingly about their adoptive mums.

My mother is gone and to be honest it hurts so much I try not to think of her too much

I know exactly what you mean, peoplearestrange.

My mental image of my Mum is sitting with a cigarette in hand, a drink in front of her, reading the newspaper or a magazine. She did give up smoking:- "I can give start and stop anytime", she boasted, but drinking was another matter. It killed her at 59. I am 55 and swore I wouldn't be like her, but am slowly eating myself to death, with 59 hovering over my horizon like a dark cloud.

She was angry and hard to please. Dad and I appeased for a quiet life. I shut myself down as a person to remain out of the line of fire, and still don't know who I am today.

She was clever, and trained to be a teacher. After she and Dad migrated to where I was born, her qualifications were not recognised, so she never worked again. She resented that, and always felt hard done by. She constantly talked of how life should have been, had she not had to leave her home country. How wealthy she would have been, how she would have had servants.

She taught me to cook and knit. I lacked for nothing materially.

My chief amazement in life is that I have 3 children who love me and talk to me about everything. I never talked to my Mum about anything.

She is a malignant narcissist, and as far as I know, the second generation of narcissists in the maternal line. Nothing I did could ever please her, she just wanted more, and everything that happened in my life somehow related back to her. She views love as a weakness, and can't understand "why I'm not like her", ie I have a normal set of emotions and can feel and empathy and sympathy for people. My sister is a narcissist just like her, and they spread their poison far and wide before I cut contact with both of them.

She never had any love for me, and when I reached my teens, started becoming very jealous of me. She actively sabotaged my relationships with other family members and twisted the trust to suit her own needs. She would shout at me as a child to 'win' an argument, and would emotionally guilt me into doing things for her which were against my best interests. She subjected me to bullying and when I went to her about being bullied at school and getting migraines as a result, she said "Take some head ache tablets".

Her parenting is marked by a patent neglect of me and my needs, and she doesn't consider me a real person, with my own thoughts and my own will. She has a view of me as 'The Good Daughter" and clings to me living up to that image. I have broken free of her and for the first time in my life, I feel mentally and emotional 'safe'.

Not so much a mother as a phenomenon: hyperintelligent, ferocious physical courage, well read and travelled, musician, linguist etc. Quite nice once she'd gone through the menopause.

She taught us housework, violence and that men were less than adequate. We took revenge by disappointing her and not beating our children.

My Mum, hardworking, clever, loving and loved. I always knew she was a refuge for me and that I would always have a home with her if I needed it. She died too soon but at least got to see all of her grandchildren.

Mum, you held my hand for too short a time but will hold my heart for ever, I miss you more than I can say.

She's a Toxic, cruel, bitter, spiteful, verbally, physically and emotionally abusive narcissist who puts on the act of butter wouldn't melt in public but behind closed doors is a tyrant who makes her family members life a misery.

She'll make grand gestures of buying things etc but will hold it over you, everything has strings.

She prides herself on dedicating herself to her children having never worked.

She should have never had kids.

She was amazing. She worked hard all her life and looked after my invalid dad at home u til he died. Then she only had two years before she died. I felt loved every day of my life and if I could be half as good a mother and grandmother as she was I would be happy. God Bless you always mum xxxx

My mother is wonderful and awful in equal measure, I treasure the wonderfulness, and all that has given to me, and I try (very hard) to ignore the awfulness and the problems that has given to me.

Some days are easier than others

A deeply troubled, angry, unhappy woman. I sometimes think that she did her best when I was small, despite telling me that I'd ruined her life, and we lived as though we were on the run from someone. It all changed for the worse when I was about 11, and she got angrier and more confused about everything. I never knew what it was like to be truly loved and wanted though.

I hope she finds peace, but I want no part in her life. It's easier to forgive when i have distance.

A strong career woman with a solid work ethic who never felt mothering came naturally to her. Never quite broke the cycle of disapproval and the sweeping of feelings under the carpet, which when added to a bitter divorce, and the salve of alcohol, made her difficult to live with.
I was her confidante - when what I needed was to be her daughter.
All that said, she was the main adult influence in my life, she died 3 years ago this week at only 60, and in many ways, I miss her still.

Shrewd, emotionless businesswoman. Wanted better for herself and self-made millionaire by her late forties . Brilliant at making money, but so DAFT!! Says some things that make me think 'WTF how can you believe that!?'

Very strange, not outwardly eccentric but really quite unconventional. Crap at giving advice on anything!!I was in a bad relationship once, poured my heart out on her and her response was to change my job!

( I was at university at the time and working in a pub, which was a great job I was very happy with), for example. I think most things boil down to work and fun, for her and no time for emotions, so we clash as I'm a very emotion-driven person. I sometimes with I was more like my Mum. She doesn't dwell on things, never remembers the past, lives totally in the present but thinks of the future.

She's an amazing woman who I admire. A lot.

She never was particularly interested in me, or my (17 years my senior) half Sister. Children got in the way of her work and fun a bit . She wasn't great, I feel like I wasn't brought up-more left to my own devices-no encouragement or full-on attention about me and what my life should be. Juxtaposition this with a very emotional and full-on Father and you have a problem! I had to find my own way, don't feel like I was 'parented' at all really. I was just another 'thing'. But, despite all that, I love my Mum and feel comfortable in knowing she's my friend and I am lucky to be close to an incredible woman.
I've never written that down before! Feels strange. Thanks for this thread.

Family are everything, but I can't name a single friend she has beyond her brother and sisters, I guess friends don't stay as close when you've moved alot.

I find myself following that pattern and I wonder if she found motherhood as lonely and depressing as I do.

She was kind, loving and giving in every way; she genuinely liked us, as well as loved us, and spent many happy hours painting, talking, playing etc. She was fair through and through, politically engaged, passionate about social justice. She brought me up to believe instinctively that I had value and rights and purpose and that I was loving and loved. And then depression got the better of her and her suicide in my teens snatched all of that away.

Mum, you taught me how to be a mother, long before I ever knew I'd need it. Thank you. I wish you had stuck around to see.

She died (unexpectedly) last year, 2 weeks after my beloved gran and less than a year after my dad. She was a grafter and generous to everyone (except her children in many ways). But she could also be a tyrant, be vindictive, emotionally cruel and distant.

I wasn't there for her in the end. I should have been the bigger person, I should have been kinder to her, I shouldn't have expected her to be perfect, I should have realised that being a mum doesn't make you a perfect person but often amplifies your biggest flaws as well as drawing out your best traits. I'm sorry mum. We let each other down.

Mean, violent, jealous, self-obsessed, unkind, always demanding more than anyone can give. I dislike her intensely, but oddly dementia is improving her a bit. Hopefully I can like her a bit before she dies. I sincerely hope she doesn't outlive my dad.

What an amazing thread. My mother is intelligent, narcissistic but her tendencies are thankfully now overcome by the other positive relationships within the family. This hasn't been so in the past and is a very recent development.

My mum is intelligent, bettered herself through education and career, can be kind,especially to those outside the family, thoughtful, is environmentaly aware and cultured..

She is can also be dismissive and unaffectionate,nasty, spiteful and vindictive, brilliant with babies and children, a teacher by profession.

You never get the sense that you ever really get to know my mum, she has an image for every occasion, every situation and the only thing I really know about her is that all her issues stem from her lack of self confidence.

I don't think she will ever admit that but we all know it and so does she.

I love her, because she is my mum, and in many ways she is a good person. But in other ways she has been destructive and although I love her, I I don't and have never liked her.