I'm trapped in a relationship that I don't feel I can leave but that is bad for me

[Lottieandmia]

It's a long story but when I got together with this person he seemed not to have any issues. After a few years it became apparent that he has on/off problems with drug addiction and gambling.

After the latest phase of getting hooked on a street drug called M-Kat he went to get help from the local pathways centre. The doctor there has been prescribing him methadone which he was taking every day. Then recently I found out he's started using again. He then said that he wants to stop everything and cut contact with his doctor. He said that he was going to give it all up but is still taking little bits of methadone. However, his doctor has stopped prescribing it of course because he hasn't been turning up for his appointments. He has been lying to his sister and lying to me about what he's really doing. His sister said that their parents are willing to pay for him to go into rehab but he won't.

I told him that he's never going to get better while he does this washy washy approach with the methadone but that's not what he wants to hear so now he's saying really hurtful things like it's my fault he's like this and that he doesn't want to be with me any more because I have children (he doesn't) and we can't do anything because of them. It really hurts that he would say this because all the time I've been with him he took a great interest in them and really appeared to love them.

At the moment I don't see him and I know he's not a good role model for my children. My parents have a codependent relationship - my dad is an alcoholic and my mum has spent her life propping him up. Even though I know this I can't seem to get out of cycle of having unhealthy relationships. I've had extensive counselling and fixed a lot of my issues but this seems to be a hard one to change and I don't know what else to do.

I find myself worrying about him all the time. OTOH I've wasted a lot of years on this. I know I need to leave, but I find it very hard to cut people off, friendships too.

Sorry this is so long.

You say you don't see him and then you say you 'need to leave'. I don't quite understand that. Your children don't need or deserve a drug addict in their lives and it should be them that you spend all your time worrying about, not this one-man disaster area.

If your life is so boring that you need him in it to provide drama and entertainment, then do something to make your life more interesting. If you are so desperate for male attention that you will accept any old thing rather than be alone, do something about your confidence. It's not a 'cycle' you can't get out of, it's a conscious choice not to do things differently.

No contact... find other things to do.... consider a fresh start in another town.... whatever it takes....

Please don't imply that I don't care about my children - my children mean everything to me. And of course they mean more to me than anyone else. When I started off in the relationship he seemed not to have any issues. He was always organised and seemed to be doing well in his career. He treated us all well. What I mean is that if I don't see him at all I begin to wonder whether he is ok, rather than just leave it.

I don't see him because I don't want him in my house around the children when he clearly is not well. But I still talk to him on the phone.

So go no contact. If you want to get this man out of your life, out of your head and consign him to the past where he belongs then stop calling him and do other things instead. It's tough at first but gets easier with time. He may not be well but it's not your problem.

And I'm sorry, but am going to imply that you don't care about your children if you persist in exposing them to this man. So what that he as a good career and seemed to be OK at the outset? Now you know differently - especially that he regards your DCs as a nuisance - it's a no-brainer that he's history.

You know what you need to do. He's an adult. He has choices. Your children don't.

Also I am not desperate for male attention - I could have been with someone else. The problem is that i always choose the wrong people.

I agree that it sets a bad model of a relationship for the children of course. But I have to change myself to stop this pattern. My children's father sees them a lot but is an emotionally Unavailable man and this now affects our daughters even though he loves them. If counselling can't change me then what can?

Maybe come at this from the other end - you are clearly codependent like your mum and perhaps it is hard to go no contact when you are by nature a lovely kind rescuer. You need to work harder on that part. If you go no contact his future is up to him, not you. You are not responsible for his choices whatever he says to guilt you into continuing the relationship. So harden your kind heart and let whatever happens unfold.
Have you ever talked to your mother about this? What does she think you should do? That would be very telling.

My mum thinks I should leave - she says there's no future in the relationship.

His addiction will always be more important to him thananyrelationship thus if something gets between him and the substance he will move the obstacle by any means possible. While he is addicted he will always hurt you.

I have noticed that other people can leave relationships quite easily. Or, they can cope with the feelings they know they will have about it. I wish I could do the same

Why don't you be the one to break the cycle before your DCs end up as 'enablers' too?

"If counselling can't change me then what can?"

There comes a point where all counselling does is keep you hashing up the past and focusing on your failings as an individual. So you see yourself as 'stuck' in some predetermined cycle and it becomes self-fulfilling. No-one's perfect and it's virtually impossible to change fundamental personality traits.... so the way most people get through life is to understand those traits & failings, create workarounds and set things up to make it easier for them to do the right thing. It's not magic. Other people don't have superhuman abilities you don't possess. They don't find it any harder or easier than you do.

Hence .... no contact.... if you know you are and will always be a soft touch where pathetic men are concerned you do whatever it takes to stay out of contact rather than waiting - as you are doing - for everything to neatly fall into place and enable you to easily walk away.

So walk away first, recruit help from friends/family to keep you away. Make it harder to get back in touch by deleting his phone number. Move to another town. Whatever it takes.

Well, you thought he was alright when you got to know him so you do at least try to avoid addicts, you got caught out here but I'm sure will be more vigilant next time.

I hope you are explaining things to the DCs so that they know that it is nothing that they are doing which is making the father figures in their lives treat them badly. If you don't explain things they will make up their own explanations which prob won't be good as they are DCs, not adults.

Tell them that sadly DP has an addiction and that you must separate from him until he changes his ways. And do it.

Of course you can do the same. What exactly is stopping you?

If you are so focused on your children then there shouldn't really need to be any more motivation for you

If as you say, they are your absolute priority then your feelings for their well-being will easily overcome any feelings you have for this man.

Doozie - their father definitely does love them but he's not good at discussing their feelings. My 10 year old felt hurt because he kept the relationship he's in a secret from her. Yet she felt she couldn't say this to him, probably because she knows he won't empathise. Ultimately we split because of his inability to discuss feelings. I have explained to them as best I can.

Luckily my current DP has never spent large amounts of time with them because he works such long hours that we only saw him for limited times anyway.

Luckily?

I'd say you need to rethink your relationship with your children. It sounds like you're the only reliable thing they've had in their lives. They're your responsibility and you need to take this seriously. Don't damage them.

I mean luckily with hindsight now that his life is in such a mess. I mentioned their father because it's another example of a less than ideal relationship.

Yes I know. I don't want them to end up in relationships like the ones I've had of course. I do my best to take care of their emotional needs and have covered this extensively in my counselling.

So why are you still dithering then?

You say your children come before anything, and you've had counselling about this, you know what to do and what they need and that's your priority.

So why aren't you following that through if you're so fixated on what's best for your DC?

I'm not dithering. I don't see him at all right now. I suppose I was in the past clinging to a hope that he would get better. But that's unlikely to happen. I'm posting because I have found it difficult to extract myself from his pleading with me not to leave and because, ultimately I don't want to end up with another similar situation in the future.

You realise that there's a parallel between his half-hearted (and therefore doomed) attempt to kick the drugs, and your half-hearted attempt to kick the man, don't you? The phone contact is akin to the methadone, and as long as you keep it up the excuses will continue. You can't save him, but you can take decisive action for your and your children's sake and leave him to it.

What you need to do is stop dating for at least a year. Hold yourself to this. You are not in a fit state to have romantic or sexual relationships at present. Forget the addict - he will either sort himself out or drop dead but he isn't important. Concentrate on your DC and yourself and learn to love being single. It's only when you are happily single that you are in any state to enter into a relationship - because then you will know, completely, that it's only worth giving up the joys of being single for a relationship that's really worth having.

The more you talk to him and are there for him, the less likely it is that he will ever recover.

Talking to him still is something you're doing for yourself, not for him. You don't really love him. You're just addicted to the salve of him needing you. If you really loved him, you would leave him alone. I don't mean that cruelly. It's just the reality of the situation. Addicts seek each other out because they want to use each other to perpetuate the addiction. He is addicted to drugs, you are addicted to him needing you. Neither of you care that you're hurting the other because the addiction, getting the high that comes from the drug, is the important thing.

You are part of each other's addiction cycle. You being there for him, on the end of a phone or in the flesh, helps him pretend that his behaviour isn't all that bad. Him needing you makes you feel that you're loved and worthy and needed and precious. So you keep in touch even though you KNOW it's the wrong decision.

If you really love someone, you do what's right for them. In this situation, being available to him is hurting him.

You need to come out of the denial that you're in, and see yourself as the addict that you are. You're not helping this guy. You're indulging yourself at his expense.

You need to go to Al-Anon, every day if you can, for a very long time. And you need to stop seeking out relationships with men, probably until your children are grown at least.

I sympathise with you, that you have this problem (I come from an alcoholic family myself), and it's not fair and it's very hard, but if you keep making the same mistake with men then you just need to avoid them for a very long time. If there weren't children involved it would be different, you could muddle through with successive men until you found a good un, but in the situation you're in, you can't do that to the children.

Being an adult means looking at your feelings (about a person, about yourself, about whatever) and realising that reacting to them in an instinctive way isn't always the right thing to do. Because of your upbringing you mistake fear, guilt and obligation for love. But the former three have nothing to do with the latter.

"My parents have a codependent relationship - my dad is an alcoholic and my mum has spent her life propping him up. Even though I know this I can't seem to get out of cycle of having unhealthy relationships. I've had extensive counselling and fixed a lot of my issues but this seems to be a hard one to change and I don't know what else to do".

You learnt how to be codependent from your parents, particularly your mother who also acts as his codependent/enabler here. This is what you learnt from them and that co-dependency issue is one you still carry to this day.

I would also suggest you start reading Codependent No More written by Melodie Beattie for your sake as well as your childrens. You do NOT want them to do exactly the same in their own adult relationships as you have done.