I'm trapped in a relationship that I don't feel I can leave but that is bad for me

[Lottieandmia]

It's a long story but when I got together with this person he seemed not to have any issues. After a few years it became apparent that he has on/off problems with drug addiction and gambling.

After the latest phase of getting hooked on a street drug called M-Kat he went to get help from the local pathways centre. The doctor there has been prescribing him methadone which he was taking every day. Then recently I found out he's started using again. He then said that he wants to stop everything and cut contact with his doctor. He said that he was going to give it all up but is still taking little bits of methadone. However, his doctor has stopped prescribing it of course because he hasn't been turning up for his appointments. He has been lying to his sister and lying to me about what he's really doing. His sister said that their parents are willing to pay for him to go into rehab but he won't.

I told him that he's never going to get better while he does this washy washy approach with the methadone but that's not what he wants to hear so now he's saying really hurtful things like it's my fault he's like this and that he doesn't want to be with me any more because I have children (he doesn't) and we can't do anything because of them. It really hurts that he would say this because all the time I've been with him he took a great interest in them and really appeared to love them.

At the moment I don't see him and I know he's not a good role model for my children. My parents have a codependent relationship - my dad is an alcoholic and my mum has spent her life propping him up. Even though I know this I can't seem to get out of cycle of having unhealthy relationships. I've had extensive counselling and fixed a lot of my issues but this seems to be a hard one to change and I don't know what else to do.

I find myself worrying about him all the time. OTOH I've wasted a lot of years on this. I know I need to leave, but I find it very hard to cut people off, friendships too.

Sorry this is so long.

I'm really not under any illusion that I'm not helping him, or about my role in it of course not. Thanks for all the insightful posts. He has now surrounded himself with people who seem to think that his approach is a reasonable way to solve the problem so I doubt he is going to get better anyway. But as you say, that isn't my problem.

It is really hard to accept that the person you live really doesn't want to change. It's all hot air until it happens - judge someone by there actions not words.

You are right to be putting your children first, but what about you? Do you deserve all this angst, uncertainty and second guessing? Would you want this life for one of your children?

Imagine your life in a year...where do you want to be? Still trying to 'fix' this drain on your energy of a man? Or content with kids, living independently and embarking on the next chapter of your life.

That was meant to say 'person you love' not 'live'!!!

I haven't spoken to him for a while now. He's still texting he misses me. It is difficult for me but I'm going to read 'Codependent No More' and have relied on my friends for support not to second guess myself about this. I've been doing other things and concentrating on my children and family. It's the only way, plus the situation is worse than I thought as it turns out he's been injecting heroin all along and possibly sharing needles. :( I had no idea he was doing this. This means I am at risk so I am going straight to the doctors tomorrow to get tested.

I keep having nightmares and waking up feeling guilty but I know I am doing the right thing.

End it - completely - no contact, he'll drag you down with him if you're not careful,. Change numbers etc.

Well done love! Keep focusing on the fact that you are doing the right thing and you'll geth through this. It will gwt easier!

Thanks. This has got to the point where I am scared for myself and my children. He even put drugs in my garage

I have to say that I feel much better not spending time worrying about where he is and whether he's using. It's like a weight off my shoulders. I've accepted that he must do as he will.

I just wanted to give an update to say that I have had no contact with him at all and all I feel is huge relief and I feel free to enjoy my life again with my daughters. I feel much less exhausted.

I am doubting whether I am quite so codependent as I thought. I am not feeling any sense of emptiness or fear of being alone or any withdrawal from the relationship. All I feel is relief. I think that possibly I have grieved the loss of him last year when he relapsed and changed and our relationship effectively died then. I am still reading Codependent No More and I think it is helping me - I do see myself there in some of the descriptions.

Perhaps it became a habit for me to hang onto him and hope that he would return to the him of before. I now know that can't happen and it's beyond my control.