5 non negotiables

[nocturnal123]

When you were looking to start a new relationship did you have 5 non negotiables and did you stick to them ? eg new person must have a job

Nothing quite so rigid but I think 'employed' and 'solvent' would be fairly basic for me. Get to my age and you can't afford to be too fussy :)

I will go out alone.
I will choose my own friends.
I will hold my own pollitical views.
I will eat how I want.
I will look how I want.

A man's characteristics are either attractive or not.

It's my requirements for my independence of him that are non negotiable!

Employed
Pulse
Not telling me what to do
Kind to DD
Kind to animals
Nice to people generally
Not sexually selfish

When I was online I did have a list

• sense of humour
• conversation
• solvent
• kind
• not a minger

I took the bit about respect and allowing me my own life / thoughts / independence as a given because I wouldn't go beyond 2nd date with a man who displayed any red flags of that kind.

Can drive
Own his own car
Not live with parents
Be a lovely person
Except me for me

No, but I knew what I liked in a person and when I met my dp I liked more than I didn't.

As the years have gone on I have realised what my non negotiables are

Good point Bit !

In that case, I will go on to:

Isn't status orientated
Isn't money orientated
Kind (to people and animals)
In tune with the environment
Free thinking

• Want similar things out of life
• Happy for me to raise our children/work/study as I see fit and as the wind takes me (reciprocated of course)
• Must be career minded, have something that they are working towards and able to support a family with, good work ethic basically but focussed.
• Must be the same level of clean and tidy as me (not very) and understanding of bad days/good days etc
• Must be sensitive to my personal mental needs and stresses, however irrational they may be, must never hold a grudge but work towards making things better.

I might add that he needed to have similar family values to mine. I don't think I could love / respect a man who had children but didn't have much / anything to do with them.

Respectable to other people
Generous. Both with time and money
Intelligent
Takes pride in himself ( and his family)
Not uptight

I didn't have these non negotiables but I ended up with a husband who has the above traits. He's bloody lovely!!

-same family values
-same level of 'get up and go'
-affectionate
-non controlling
-allow me to be independent
-faithful
-loyal

Can you see what went wrong in my previous relationship?? Haha...I know it's more that 5 but I could go on and on. Looks are not so important now, my ex was gorgeous (on the outside). Inner beauty is much more important to me now.

After my last 'opposites attract' car crash of a relationship, mine was to find pretty much a boy version of me (and I have).

Flip chart...your dh sounds great :) good for you

For me, they were:

Honest
Loyal
Clever
Funny
Gentle

Kind
Intelligent
Loyal
Funny
Good communicator

grumpasaur, looks like great minds think alike!

Now I just have to bloody find him...

I've never really thought about it in those terms, because in choosing a partner you are looking at the whole person - a bit like choosing the most appetising set menu rather than having full a la carte, but even in that metaphor you'd swerve the menu which included things you're intolerant of or just loathe. So on that basis, and in no particular order:

a) genuinely single (and demonstrably so - meeting friends/family reasonably early on)
b) no history of criminality, gambling, drug use
c) polite (waitress test etc) and reliable (not inexplicably late/offhand or game-playing)
d) kind and friendly
e) good communication

Reading this it seems it boils down to the same for everyone

Kind, respectful, good communicator, gsoh, solvent

I notice we have all been too polite to say "great in bed" but tbh that's another non-negotiable for me.

I like your replies

Adding having a "job" may not apply if you are; a student, retired etc.

Would these be non negotiables ? religion, culture, baggage

If you are looking for 5 non negotiables, what 5 non negotiables are you going to give the new person in return ?

It's not politeness - it's because I think two people with a good attitude to each other will work out their sex life OK. Though I suppose if there's zero 'spark' that would be a deal breaker, as would a major difference on attitudes to fidelity.

Doesn't gamble, use drugs, or smoke

Doesn't use porn at all and has decided that, objectively, before he met me

Clever/intelligent

Not religious

Kind and funny (funny to me )

I think everything else can change - job wouldn't matter as that is temporary or could be life stage, for example. I didn't know what my 'position' on kids was when we met, so wouldn't have known what I was looking for there. I'm not sure what my list would have been when we met (years and years and years ago) apart from (2) as that's always been a deal breaker.

Kind
Generous
Solvent
Good in bed
Attractive

In that order. I like to think I can offer all those things

Religiin, culture, baggage - I suppose it depends to what extent doesn't it?

If he was an evangelical born again Christian I might find that hard to take. But not if the contrast wasn't so extreme

What do you mean by baggage? Having kids is nota problem. A spent conviction for murder might be!

And meditrina I disagree. Some people are just crap in bed and no amount of "work" helps. Some people are just incompatible sexually.

What 5 do I give in return?

Loyalty
Fun
Hard working
Kind
Great head

I think you learn each other so being great in bed is not necessarily a must immediately.

I could only be with someone who is:

Kind and gentle
Liberal thinker
Non-smoker/-drug-taker/-gambler
Loyal and supportive
Animal lover

Equality
Respect
Honesty
Maturity
Self-awareness