i am literally dreaming of finding out who my father is,

[ThatVikRinA22]

i dont know why now.
ive not had any contact with my mother for around 14 years. She is toxic (as anyone who has read my previous threads will know)
she refuses point blank to tell me anything at all about my father. i dont have even a first name.

i had counselling last year and my counsellor warned me against getting into any kind of dialogue with my mother.

She has always said she will take his identity to the grave with her.
Yet it gnaws away at me. I have recently started to dream about his identity and finding out.
sooner or later she will be gone and my chance to find out will die with her, and yet its just another bit of power to wield over me and i know she enjoys toying with me - she will never tell me but would use the possibility to instigate contact again as long as it was on her terms.

ive done so well since losing her. She was so emotionally damaging to me and when i broke free i became the person i was meant to be.

but i know that time is running out - i either ask her or dont and i never know.
that said - she wont and wouldnt ever tell me anyway. its the last bit of power over me she has and i doubt she would ever give that up.

how do i stop the dreams of finding out?
its my subconscious thats hankering to find out.....

not a one. she was having some sort of secret affair and only showed back up when she was pregnant. she refused to give any details and did not name him on my birth certificate. no one knows. only her.

Vicar, I see this very same pain in my mother's eyes every day. I'm so sorry that you're feeling this too.

It's an awful burden on the mind.

I hope you can find some peace x

Vicar, it's really shit, but I honestly think that your hard-won emotional resilience is better directed at coming to terms with the reality that you will never know who your father was, rather than at trying to extract the information from your toxic mother.

Try to see it as though she were already dead, harsh as that sounds.

This is her last hold over you, and she will never relinquish it, even if she dangles it as bait now and again. By even entertaining some hope of her revealing the truth, you are handing over all your power and laying yourself open to further abuse.

Hold your head high and maintain the facade of not giving a shit, until it becomes true. Anything else is just enslaving yourself to her capricious toying with you.

for you- it's a horrible situation, but making your peace with it can't possibly involve relying on her good nature, because she simply doesn't have one. I'm so sorry.

ah bof you speak so much truth - its funny how you know me and my situation so well having never met me - you are very intuitive,
and a love.

i know you are speaking the truth - its just my dreams. i cant control those and i keep dreaming i find out who he is.

but its just a dream. its not worth the reality of trying to engage with her. she is incapable of normality, or any feeling.
i know that.
i just wish my brain would fuck off with the stupid dreams. Its a taste of how i would feel to know.
its a bit like dreaming you won the lottery and then the feeling you get when you realise it was just a dream.
its not nice.

I am so sorry. Your desire to know the name of your male parent is, perhaps, similar to being the child of a sperm donor. And maybe people who have insight into, or experience of, that can help you.

It sounds like your mother has no better nature that you can appeal to. But could you consider asking her to lodge a letter with a solicitor to be opened after her death? Otherwise, you are you. And have made your way without knowing your father's name. Perhaps what you yearn for is a relationship, not a name, and that is not something that is a given, even if she told you who he was

I wish you peace and happiness.

I'm in a similar position and I too, am aware that my mother will never give up the name of my father. I have also been nc for a few years (4 or 5 I think). She enjoys the hold over me and has even stated that it has nothing to do with me! I feel like I've come to terms now with never knowing and I rationalise this by thinking about the people I do have in my life, I don't know what he'd be like, would he even add anything to my life? Maybe he'd be as toxic as her.
I hope you find peace with it and I do understand the need to know, even if it's just a name.

I won't ever know my bio father and you can accept that this is fine. Actually you know it's irrelevant to who I am and it would be pretty unusual for contact to result in a life affirming relationship anyway.

Dreams might give us a bit of insight into our preoccupations but they are disingenuous too. Time limited, idealised when in reality he would most probably be some mundane ordinary bloke and even if awesome so what it is too late to become 'dad'.

There are awesome people out there, find them and keep them. How much more meaningful to chose people to share your life with - you can do this whilst still cursing the old cow bag for taking from you what you coukd have had. I do wonder what kind of fuck up would eve have fucked up with mine:))))

Since you are pretty sure she will not tell you, it probably is better for your own self to not contact her. But maybe you can be a detective and try and work it out, maybe give yourself a time limit. If you don't find out by say, 2 years, you will forget about it? Have you considered having a DNA test done? It may at least give you an idea of your heritage and a bunch of matches. www.familytreedna.com/group-join.aspx?Group=Adopted
Or get some photo's of your mother from the year of your birth, and post them on various family finder type sites asking if anyone knew this woman from such and such a time and area?

Good luck, whatever happens.

I contacted the Salvation Army 20 years ago to try & trace my father.

They were successful.

Unfortunately he didn't want to meet me & in fact he refused to speak to me, he said hello & when he realised who it was have the phone to his wife & refused to talk to me.

I can't remember him & am not sure of the details as my DM is very dishonest.

I would say contact the Salvation Army however I would warn you just because you have a shit dm doesn't mean you won't have a shit DF too.

You may never get the nurturing you crave

Which is probably why you give south of yourself to others

As do I.

*so much

What a shitty situation. I agree with others, if your certain she'll never tell you then getting back in contact will just be damaging to you. Being NC seems to be totally positive for you so no point in risking undoing your hard work.

x

I'd echo the sentiment above of 'be careful what you wish for'. Given that one parent is such a disappointment, its natural to think the missing parent might make up for it in some way. But find the father that has had no interest in you your whole life and you could easily end up with two toxic parents rather than one.

Sorry Vicar and UpTheAnty, but I'm sniggering at giving south of yourself to others. It just sounds rude

There's humour to be found in everything bof

im my head giving south is DEFINITELY rude. ...even if its.jusy been invented! thanks all, id had a bit if the old vino and was feeling a wee bit sorry for myself. I dont need to find him btw, I would.just like a name. thats all. im sure had he wanted to he could have found me, that he chose not to is fine and I respect that.

I suspect your mother doesn't know.

Her type would have given you a christian name by now - just to rachet things up.

I bet my house that she doesn't know who your dad is.

Excellent point, Smokin. I think that's probably true.

I was thinking that, Smokin...

... Just the part about her not actually knowing, good point about if she actually knew the first name she would be using it to her poisonous advantage.

she.knows. she 9nce.told me the first initial. she . definitely does know. he abandoned her when she told him she was.pg. he left the country. she.knows.

You sound very convinced of that- how can you tell?

Vicar, does a part of you not think all that is a bit 'textbook' and convenient, especially the part where he left the country? It smacks of her trying to get you to stop digging and challenging her when in reality she just might have had a one-night stand?