i am literally dreaming of finding out who my father is,

[ThatVikRinA22]

i dont know why now.
ive not had any contact with my mother for around 14 years. She is toxic (as anyone who has read my previous threads will know)
she refuses point blank to tell me anything at all about my father. i dont have even a first name.

i had counselling last year and my counsellor warned me against getting into any kind of dialogue with my mother.

She has always said she will take his identity to the grave with her.
Yet it gnaws away at me. I have recently started to dream about his identity and finding out.
sooner or later she will be gone and my chance to find out will die with her, and yet its just another bit of power to wield over me and i know she enjoys toying with me - she will never tell me but would use the possibility to instigate contact again as long as it was on her terms.

ive done so well since losing her. She was so emotionally damaging to me and when i broke free i became the person i was meant to be.

but i know that time is running out - i either ask her or dont and i never know.
that said - she wont and wouldnt ever tell me anyway. its the last bit of power over me she has and i doubt she would ever give that up.

how do i stop the dreams of finding out?
its my subconscious thats hankering to find out.....

I know she knows. he was.in the army. she got pg but when she told him he sent her a letter saying he was being posted to Germany and gave her the money for an abortion. thats the last she heard from him she just wont tell me anything more. shr knows who he is.

she alwats told me she has forgotten. I jnow he hurt her and she was very bitter. she was saddled with an unwanted baby. he just pissed off to live his life. she took all the consequences. and she resented it. me . enormously.

You say he was in the army & supposedly posted to Germany. If he was in the US Army you happen to know where he was stationed in the UK (a base near where your mum was living?), try googling around. There are "Did you serve here?' websites established by US vets for various foreign posts, trading memories, looking for friends. etc. Occasionally you'll see what is obviously a child looking for a GI father. Sometimes all it says is 'if you knew (insert woman's name) who lived in (place) around (year), please contact me'. Probably not a great chance of finding someone, but at least it's something.

If you can afford it, a PI is a good idea. Give them all the info you can dig up about your mum and your birth certificate. I doubt if there's anything legally you can do to force her to tell you, but it might be worth a visit to a solicitor. OR, since she seems to be a prize cow, do you know of anyone she knew in the past that she's fallen out with? Maybe they'd be willing to dish the dirt on her.

FWIW I think what she's doing is really shitty.

Why do you want contact with this man? You are worth so much more. I met my long-lost Dad and after a short while I decided to go NC despite thinking for a long time that everything was going to be perfect and it was all a misunderstanding. Someone who can leave their baby willingly without a parent (without good reason) is not deserving of your time and effort and are guaranteed to be a letdown. I would literally do ANYTHING for my son, and since he was born it has made my nc with my father easier as I realise now that he never really loved me and it is not my fault... he is just anarcissistic self-absorbed troll. I am thankful every day that his selfish genes were not passed down to me. My son is my universe.

Please move on OP, this man doesn't deserve your energy, regardless of whether your mother has his name and address written in her diary, or if she didn't have a clue who he is. Yes, he did perhaps give your money for an abortion, but the toe-rag didn't even stick around to support her or see it through for peace of mind. For all he knew she went to term with her pregnancy and he didn't even bother to check.
Sorry if I sound harsh or blunt, I am passionate about this and don't know how to tiptoe around it.

I do not want contact - posters arw projecting their own agendas. all I want is a name. thats all. thats it. a name.nothing more im 42. ive survived this long without parents. I would like a name. my son had a genetic condition I have absolutely no knowledge of half of my genetics. I don't t want happy endings, I just want the knowledge. I feel I should know.

Sorry OP, I just feel for you. X

i have half a mind just to ask her via the same means she contacted me via - she can ignore me if she wants and i can ignore her. im not entering into a dialogue. i would ask once, and once only. she has no decency to appeal to.
she will not divulge this info but at least i would know i had asked.
the rest is then up to her.
im not getting drawn back in. she would get short shrift if she thought she could use it.
i just dont know.
time is running out for me to find out.

Read your headline op

literally dreaming of finding out who my father is

Not at any point did it state dreaming of finding out his name

Frankly I'm regretting sharing now, your reaction to posters attempting to comfort you is quite unkind.

You really shouldn't post about emotive subjects while drunk.

Good luck regardless & I hope you feel better soon.

I'm adopted & have two genetic conditions. I also have 2 sons, one of whom is carrying one of the genes but has not yet developed the condition, so I completely understand the feeling of frustration. Frankly, I sometimes refer to myself as a 'genetic time bomb' & wonder what the hell else I'm carrying around. I also understand not wanting a 'happy reunion' a la some Hollywood movie. I have no need nor desire to meet my birth family, so I wasn't 'projecting' anything.

When I suggested trying to find him, it wasn't for that purpose. Just that that may be the only way you'll ever come up with a name.

Apologies for the snippyness. i was getting a little frustrated by the insinuations that she didnt know. I realise why people might think that, but if she didn't know she wouldn't have given the amount of detail she did about the army etc. again sorry. I need to forget it. I didnt mean to upset anyone. I should let this die now. its.just dreams and they mean nothing. it just had me wondering all over again. every so often the need to know creeps up on me. to thosr who replied.

The thing is, vicar, if you did have a name it wouldn't stop there. Your mind would work away at it and there would be something else you "needed". Best to let it go now, as it is.

Totally understand vicar. The 'not knowing' is at times like an itch you just can't scratch. Other times, just an annoying bug that you can swat away.

Your wanting (even occasionally) to know isn't 'nothing'. It's part of who you are. I think it's just matter of being able to say "Well, it would be nice to know, but whatever" and just keep on keeping on.