If she contacts me, is it ok to tell her to do one?

[Fontella]

I don't know how to namechange, so I'm not giving too much in the way of specifics.

I had a friend - let's call her Gladys, going right back to teens - we've had a couple of minor fall outs down the years but always made up. However a few years ago me and Gladys had a big fall out - won't go into details but she was bang out of order and I told her so. Told her a few home truths at the same time, as things had been building up for a while and she had been getting more and more autocratic and expecting me to dance to her tune all the time. I finally snapped and told her to stick it where the sun don't shine. She went nuts and started bombarding me with text messages and calls non-stop and I ended up not answering the phone to her, deleting her texts without reading them, and deleting any ansafone messages without listening to them.

I'm aware you are only getting one side of the story here and I'm sure if she gave her version of events it would be entirely different from mine, but I have no reason to lie to MNetters and I know, that if I were to tell you the facts with no embellishments or spin, the overwhelming majority of you would understand totally my point of view. If I'd done anything to warrant what happened I'd hold my hand up, but I didn't, and she was so far out of order, I felt fully justified in telling her to stick it.

So that was it. No communication for the best part of a decade, in which time she's moved to another part of the country. I've just found out that on some forum or messageboard or something (I don't do Facebook or Friends United or whatever it is - so not sure what exactly), another friend from our teen days (now living overseas) has got in touch with a relative of mine saying that Gladys wants to get in touch with me and asked for my email. My dozy relative didn't know my email address so has passed on my phone number instead (!) and then rang me today and told me 'you might be getting a call from Gladys.'

(Not the same phone number I had back then I hasten to add).

Now I know it's all water under the bridge, and I know several years have passed .. but I really don't want this. I'm sat here knowing she's now got my current number and can ring anytime she likes and I genuinely don't want her to. I have no desire to renew this friendship. I haven't really thought about her or missed her, and unless her character has changed drastically I'm not interested. I know exactly how the conversation will go, I can just picture picking up the phone and her all bright and breezy on the other end, and I just can't fake being pleased to hear from her because frankly I won't be. In fact I'd quite like to tell her to fuck off.

Am I being unfair, unreasonable .. should I let bygones be bygones or what?

I'm not a big one for bygones. :) Respond to a breezy call with cool politeness perhaps? If she persists, remind her that nothing's changed... Who knows? Maybe you'll get an apology?

Nope. I'd tell her to "do one". You are perfectly entitled to sever a friendship for any reason you like or no reason at all. That she's chosen to track you down via a relative when you've made it clear you don't want anything to do with her after all this time I find slightly sinister and stalkerish.

I don't think you should feel duty bound to reignite a friendship with someone you don't like, especially after all this time.

If it was me... I'd just be kind & friendly to her when she calls and after a minute of pleasantries & when she makes her feelings known....ie the want to rekindle the friendship..

I would just tell her I'm glad you're doing we'll etc but I really don't want to reignite our friendship good luck for the future.

Now what did she do?

'My number was given to you without my permission, which I would not have given. I have no desire for any further contact from you. Goodbye.'

Job done.

Does your phone display the number of who's calling? If so, ignore the phone if you see a number you don't recognise. If it's important, you can always ring them back. If she leaves a message, ignore it.

Gladys: Hello Fontella, it's Gladys here! Long time no see. How are things with you?

Fontella: What do you want?

Gladys: Oh, I've been missing our friendship and would like to get back in touch. I've got so much news to share with you.

Fontella: No thanks, now fuck off.

Click.

I think it's hard to say whether bygones are appropriate without knowing what the big fall out was about, and 10 years is a long time. As cogito says, there may be an apology? That said, I agree you're under no obligation.

First off, tear your relative a new one. Who in their right mind casually gives out phone numbers to randoms like that?

Then try to ignore the prospect of Gladys ringing you. She may well not get around to it. But if she does, you say nothing's changed as far as you're concerned, you don't want to pick up the friendship, please don't call again. If she rings you again after that, be rude to her.

I'd say: 'sorry, wrong number ...' and put the phone down. But then I'm hard-hearted, had to be after nearly seventy years of enduring shitty people.

I will be arguing against the grain here, I know, but I think it's best to end things with a smile. It's actually more final in a way, because it means everything is resolved, whereas anger still simmers on and makes the person ever-present in a negative way.

I would start the conversation by saying I only had limited time (10 minutes). I'd ask her how she is, and say that you're glad she's well. If she asks, tell her the basic facts about you that she could find out from any relation or friend and no more. Be polite, but not overly warm. If she apologizes, accept gracefully, if she doesn't, that's fine too. End by saying it's been nice to catch up, but that you don't really want to retread old ground - you are very absorbed in your job/kids/house renovations right now, but you're glad she's well.

Then forget all about her!

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted - how did you decide on that username?

Actually, isabella, that sounds like a good idea. For starters, there's nothing to feed the drama, if drama is what Gladys is after.

I'd ignore.

I've had 2 people do this to me in my life - 1 was a best friend from when I was 5 years old, we fell out around age 25 and she was extremely unpleasant including accusing me of defrauding her. She added me on FB as a friend and emailed me and I stupidly replied pretending all was fine. Anyway it wasn't, I felt bitter and she hadn't apologised (it would be different if she had done) for what she'd said/done. I had a big email rant at her and ended the friendship a year later.

The other was a friend, not as close but still close, anyway a mutual friend engineered a meet-up which was ok, we had wine and a chat in a wine bar but I certainly didn't intend to keep in contact with her! I felt bad because her mum had died in the interim period and she'd been through a tough time.

The one thing which hurt was about a year ago my half sister whom I'd fallen out with, got in touch through my brother asking to email/contact me.

it turned out she didn't REALLY want to get back in touch etc (told my brother a different story) and didn't REALLY want to forgive and forget. well why get in touch then?

I just think generally unless there's a VERY VERY VERY good reason most friendships/family stuff breaks down for a reason and often there's no comeback. so like I said again, Ignore. wish I had done that on all 3 occasions.

Thanks all - I really appreciate it.

Lots to cover - I'd love to tell you what went down, but the circumstances are so unique - if perchance she, or a member of her family or anyone who knew what happened read it, they would know it was me straight away. Long shot I know, but I'd prefer not to risk it.

Yes I am annoyed at my dozy relative who just gave my (ex-directory) number out. Thing is she gave it to an overseas friend from way back when, who was making the enquiry on Gladys's behalf, and to be fair, neither of them know how anti Gladys I am, nor why.

I do have caller ID but I'm self-employed and get occasional work related calls from other areas of the UK, but I'll be wary of any new numbers that pop up. Having said that, I don't want to be avoiding answering my phone, wondering if it might be her. I think I'd rather just get it over with.

As for an apology, it won't make any difference to how I feel about her. I just don't miss the friendship at all, and I'm definitely not interested in starting it up again, even if it's just occasional phone chats and Christmas Cards. Just not interested in hearing her voice or any of it, what she's been up to, nor telling her anything about me, my kids and all that. It's done and dusted as far as I'm concerned. I don't hate her, I just cannot be arsed to have any kind of conversation with her.

It's like when you look back on an ex and you can see them for what they really are, it's the same with Gladys. I look back at how unbalanced the friendship actually was, and how domineering she really was. I wouldn't want to get back on friendly terms with the fat bastard ex, nor on acquaintance terms, or any terms for that matter, and it's the same with her. There's just not one iota of desire on my part to do that and the thought of picking up the phone one day and hearing 'Hi Fontella, it's Gladys .....' well, let's hope she thinks better of it, because I might well say 'fuck off' as I'm bit that way inclined, the older I get.

Before you decide for definite Fontella , have a quick check to make sure nobody called Gladys has won the Euromillions.

hahahaha! Love it!

"BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted - how did you decide on that username? "

Hehe. Because the username which I use for other forums I haunt was already taken: BitterAndTwisted. Crushed, I was

I'd use the slightly chicken way of dealing with her call. "Is Fontella there?", "Who is calling?", "Gladys". "Sorry but I think you have the wrong number".

These types do not get the hint, believe me.. They don't

isabella's approach seems good, cool but civil but clear that you're busy with other things in your life now.

If she doesnt take the hint, say that it's nice to have spoken but it was a friendship of its time and you're a different person now and don't really want to go back.

If that doesnt work, the approach that you'd prefer to leave things in the past and dont want mroe contact is pretty damn clear.

if -that- doesn't work ... "fuck off!"

Gladys doesn't deserve any hints. Nearly a decade of silence is as big a hint as anyone could get. I favour the direct approach and not leaving any room for misunderstanding

"Hiiii!!!!! Its Gladys!!!!"

"Why are you calling me?"

"Just called to catch up and see how you are, its been sooo long!"

"Yes, thats because I we are not friends and I have no interest in re-establishing contact so please dont call me again. I am at work so I am hanging up now. Goodbye"

Seriously, these people dont take hints!

In fact change that to

""Yes, thats because I we are not friends and I have no interest in re-establishing contact so please dont call me again. I am hanging up now. Goodbye"

I presume it would be too complicated to change your phone number now, wouldn't it, as you take work calls on it at home.

But, as you take work calls on it at home, do you have a professional "pick up" phrase that you use, instead of "Hi, this is Fontella"? I always answered my phone just by saying "Hello", which kind of put the onus on the caller to check it was me they were speaking to - so if you do that, you can then follow Miss Ratty's idea above, which is the best option, I think. Just pretend you're not you, it's the least risky thing to do!

If she's a weirdo, and you tell her to effectively fuck off, she might start doing that thing of crank calling, or getting taxis to your house, or pizza deliveries or whatever - you don't want that.

And I hope you have a strong word with your relative for letting your phone number out to randoms (ok she knew the person but that's not really an excuse!) - tell them to get the person's contact details next time and pass them on to you so you can choose to contact them OR NOT.