so now he wants to move to London with the OW

[avocadogreen]

I discovred 2 months ago H was having an affair. He left, declared he had been unhappy in the relationship for years, and moved into a friend's spare room. At the time we had only moved to this area 6 months previously, I gave up my job and left my good friends to come here, all for his fucking job. We have 2 young children.

It has been horrendous but we were starting to get to a point where access to the kids is regular, we can be amicable with each other etc.

He has just dropped the bombshell he is planning to move to London with OW. Bearing in mind we live a good 3 hour train ride/4 hour car journey from London. He claims it's about money, I have said I don't need his money I need him here, to be a father to the children, to be a co-parent with me. I have good friends here now and the kids are settled but we have no family support nearby. If he goes I will be left alone with the kids with no help and no break. He claims he will come every other weekend and stay in a hotel to see the kids. I think that's bullshit.

I am just so angry and distraught for the DCs, who are 7 and 3. He was a good father, I would have even offered him joint custody if he had wanted it. They are devastated enough as it is. How can he do this to them? And what can I do to stop him?

He can do this to them because as far as he is concerned he is more important.

What can you do to stop him? Not a fucking thing.

I'm so sorry.

Unfortunately you can't stop him. All you can do is do your best to help facilitate contact between him and the children (obviously he should be arranging this as often as possible).

I moved 131 miles away from my ex with my dd from London to south norfolk. For lots of reasons really. We continued contact every other weekend from Friday to Sunday. He would come up on the train and collect her and bring her to his and I would do the reverse journey on Sunday.

10 years after this he has moved to the USA and has her for half the holidays.

I know this isn't what you planned for your dc and it is terribly sad. All you can do is try and find a way to make contact happen in the best way for the dc.

What a miserable little shit he's turning out to be. So sorry. From 'unhappy in the relationship for years' to the change of location 'for the money' it doesn't sound like he can open his mouth without A-grade bullcrap spewing forth!

I think the only way you can prevent him from moving is if the access to the children is formalised and he's breaking the agreement. If you don't have a formal agreement I'd suggest you get one PDQ. Take that EOW promise and enforce it. If he ends up having no relationship with his own DCs he'll only have himself to blame.

I am so sorry, how could he uproot you all then piss off to London?

That is not a sign of a good father, he is the 'out of sight, out of mind' type of man.

I would properly move back to where my friends and family are;

He's detached himself from the family and left the family home. Where he goes and what he does is not under your control, alas.

I understand how you feel but there's not a damned thing you can do about it.

Sorry to hear this avocado, its made even worse that you only moved because of him :(

Have you considered moving back to be near your family & previous friends so that you have some support?

You can't stop him moving to London I'm afraid, shitty though it is. If you have split then he has the right to move to anywhere he likes & you are now the resident parent & you can't force him to be a 50-50 parent. You should still get a break though, its usual for the non resident parent to have regular contact at their house, e.g. every 3rd weekend or once a month etc. I agree that the hotel idea does not sound sustainable.

As others have said, you cannot prevent him from moving. You can, however, make your position on what access you would like him to have clear through the courts. Half all holidays would give you a break.

You can't stop him, nor should you try.

A 3 hour train journey is nothing.

Your relationship is over, facilitating access is up to him, with your support.

London is a great place, full of opportunities, your children will benefit greatly if you can just smooth the ride.

I'd move back too.

My ex did this (we weren't together after ds was born). I stayed here after having ds so he could see him but he left the UK when ds was 3 and contact dropped. He had said he'd fly back every couple of months to see ds for a weekend, but it never happened, he didn't see ds at all and rarely contacted him for the first three years. I have a few friends here, but otherwise no one. I should have moved back home, I wish I had as my father's now dead and we could have spent far more time with him.

My stbxh did this. Over the last 3 months he's not had any contact with the DCs - in person, by phone, or by writing. At. All. His choice. And no child maintenance payments either. I guess that very clearly shows where his priorities lay.

I have considred moving back to where we moved from but to be honest all the reasons we moved are still valid, we now live in a beautiful part of the country and the kids have a much better quality of life. It wasn't so much we moved here for his job, more that we decided we wanted to move to this area so when a job came up he took it- and then met OW in the new office, surprise surprise. But I have built a life for me and the kids here and I do like it. My own family are very fragmented so there isn't any one place I could move to to be close to them. My mum passed away many years ago.

I was just starting to get over the affair and was making plans for the future based on the idea of him having them 1-2 nights during the week and every other weekend. Things like I signed up for an evening class. There was a small part of me almost starting to see the positive in having the opportunity to rebuild my life, have time without the kids with friends etc. With him gone it will just be me and the kids, on my own every evening, no social life, no break.

He plans to either stay in a hotel or drive here (so 3 hours after work, at best he would pick them up at 9pm on a friday) and then pick them up and drive a further hour to where his parents live, and spend the weekend with them.

I bet that within a few weeks that will change to expecting me to drive halfway with the kids every other friday and swap them over at a fucking service station.

He is so selfish. He says 'I deserve a new life' but he doesn't give a fuck about the kids' lives or mine.

He deserves a 'new life'? What's he on? His kids a decent father which unfortunately they don't seem to have.

You've got the best part though, you get to see your children every day and get to watch them grow. You'll find a way to rebuild your life, get the maintenance sorted and get a babysitter or do do a babysitting rota with your friends. If they want to go out, you can do sleep overs for their children or something. I really wouldn't bank on him continuing with his plan though. Things will crop up and it doesn't sound like something that can be sticked to.

Alice go to the CSA. Even if he doesn't see your child, he's still responsible for putting food in their tummies and a roof over their heads.

My ex left me, promised EOW, that turned into 4 hours every 2 months. Theres strangers she sees more than she sees her own dad.

Ds gets 2 hours every 18 months (when his father's hungover usually). Ds hasn't seen him for 4 years now though, ds's choice (his father was verbally abusive towards him and ds didn't want to see him until he'd apologised. It took a year and a half but it was too late). He'll get an email from his father once a year or something, ds will reply but then he gets nothing back.

I lost dh 10 years ago when ds's were 6 and 3, so although the circumstances were very different, essentially I was in the place where you are now...on my own with two young children. My family all live hundreds of miles away - because my parents retired to somewhere they'd always wanted to, and my siblings went to uni, or college, then made careers in bigger cities or abroad - I stayed in our home town. I had friends here, the boys had friends, and were settled in nursery and school. I didn't want to move.
It was very difficult initially, and I didn't have a chance to do things in the evenings to start with, but then I made friends with someone who lived near me and was in a very similar position. We used to do things with the kids, or spend time at each others houses in the evening - we'd share a takeaway and a bottle of wine, while the kids played in the garden. It was a godsend having her.

You'll find a way through it, I promise. And it will get easier. As a previous poster suggested, try a babysitting circle. As your dcs get older they will probably want to have sleepovers with friends. I used to coordinate my two staying away, so that I could have a night out!

My boys and I are a very close knit team, the first couple of years without their dad was really hard on all three of us, but the sun is shining on us now, and it will on you too.

My ex failed to separate splitting from me and the relationship with his daughter, somehow not being a family with me means she not his family either.

Tosser.

LadySybil There's really no point in going to the CSA is there? He quit his job and moved in with OW, and is now not working (she is apparently supporting him with her benefits, more fool her). They won't be able to get any money from him. He's become the stereotypical "deadbeat dad."

"With him gone it will just be me and the kids, on my own every evening, no social life, no break"

It honestly wont. You will make friends, you will find a babysitter and you will rebuild a life for yourself. You will be fine, I am sure.

I'm sorry, Alice

LadySybil It's not a big deal. As I said, it just serves to remind me where his priorities are.

avocado You will make friends, and 6 months to a year from now you will be amazed at the difference as you rebuild things to suit you and your DCs.

When does your 3yo turn 4yo? Will they be going to reception this autumn? Preschool? There's a window of opportunity when both DCs are in school - that's when I have my free time. I take advantage of the opportunity to go for a swim locally, meet friends for coffee, have a little "me" time, do some DIY on the house, relax in the garden.

Thank you everyone... I will be fine, I will have to be fine, someone has to put the kids first and that will always be me. Alice, DS turns 4 in June and starts school in Sept. But hopefully I will have a job by then, I am applying for lots at the moment.

I had to laugh, when I told him he could have joint custody if he wanted he said 'how could I do that, I work full time?' I mean what the fuck does he think millions of working parents do, what does he think I am going to do?!

avocado - I'm so sorry, that really sucks. Sadly, I think bitter is right and that many men detach themselves from their children as well as their wives.

Would you consider formalising contact as Cogito suggests?

Avocado, you should pity the fucker, he's gonna miss out on watching his kids grow and everything great they will do when they are old will be down to your parenting.

I give trying to get my ex to be a good dad, I'm doing my job and DD has possible ASD, so its hard, but I get the rewards, everyday, hes gets a few hours when her grandparents have her.

avocado you by far get the better end of the deal here - even though it may not seem so at the moment. My stbxh is missing out on his kids' lives and I wouldn't miss out on all those little moments for anything.

It can be tiring, but in the long run, you'll be fine.

And yes, his comment about "how could I do that, I work full time" pretty much sums his thoughts up. His children are a hobby, not a commitment.