Crapped on from a great height

[duvetdaisy]

Hi, just need to offload as I can't in RL :(

Have been with 'D'P for 2.5 years and it's not been the best relationship, very up and down. We don't live together and both have DC's.

I have been working on a project with him for the last 12 months which is nearly finished, it has been partially funded by his friend/business acquaintance who is a lovely man and has helped and supported 'D'P like a father.

A few weeks ago I started to get suspicious about 'D'P and his intentions with the project - a couple of overheard phonecalls and other things made me think he was actually going to do something very dodgy (sorry to be cryptic but it's not great believe me!) I questioned him, tripped him up over some details and finally he told me what he had planned.

I was so shocked and disgusted, it was something completely illegal!! I told him I would leave him if he went ahead with it - he said I could do what I liked and really didn't seem bothered. Having gone away and thought about everything I realised that even if I just walked away I would still be implicated should he get caught (which he would) as I was so involved in the project and also his friend would be part of it without knowing. The next day we had a huge talk and he said he wouldn't go ahead with it.

On Friday I found out he was still very much going ahead with it. I told him he couldn't put me and his friend at risk by doing this and it was pure greed, he is desperate for money right now. I told him I would go to the police or tell his friend. He still didn't call it off so on Saturday I rang his friend and told him everything. (feeling completely sick)

I have no idea what his friend will do, he seemed more upset than angry. 'D'P just seemed more worried about losing anymore financial help from his (very wealthy) friend than losing a relationship and a friend.

I have never been in trouble with the police and am also a loyal partner so I'm very confused at the moment, he keeps texting abuse saying I've broken his confidence and discussed his personal business with other people - he will never trust me again! But I really was stuck between a rock and a hard place, how could I have turned a blind eye? I gave him plenty of opportunity to not do it, he knew I was going to stop it happening as I told him straight and actually rang his friend in front of him - how does that make me untrustworthy?

I have no idea what will happen now - i'm staying away but my stomach is churning so much, feel very anxious :(

I'd be going to the police as well. If he goes ahead it might keep you in the clear.

err i think he's the untrustworthy one! he's lied, plotted something that would get you into trouble, planning on doing something illegal.

i think this relationship is deader than a dodo.

you did absolutely the right thing.

Get it all written down and email it to the person providing the funding. That way, should the shit hit the fan at some point, you should be able to protect yourself. Then, cut contact with this man. It's painful to discover that the person you thought your knew and trusted has no integrity but that's the bottom line. He was prepared to put your arse in the fire along with his, and that's not good at all

Yes, the relationship is over - there is no way back from this :( I am really not wanting to go to the police as there are some really nasty people involved and I would be shit scared about what they might do - you cant exactly tell them half a story and it would all come back onto me, i'm just praying this is enough to stop him.

Why couldn't he just be normal? I would have completely supported him getting through this financial rough patch until things got better, but no, that would be too much hard work - easier to lower yourself and earn a quick buck whilst risking everything. So bloody angry with him.

Go to the police.

Thanks everyone - I texted the whole thing on Saturday to his friend so yes it's in writing, not sure if it would hold up in court if it went that far.

I kept imagining the police showing up and arresting me in front of the DC's, they're not exactly going to just drop by for a chat are they? They'd just drag everyone associated with the project down to the station and then it would be up to us to prove we were not involved.

I just hope he doesn't go through with it but now I've done this i'm not going to know what is going on

Protect yourself. This man obviously doesn't have your best interests at heart, and his judgement is seriously flawed. He cannot be relied upon to keep you out of it, as he'll either decide to throw you under the bus as revenge, or try and be inept at covering up your knowledge.

Do not leave your future in his hands. If you can't do it for yourself, think of your children.

Leave email trails, email the business partner saying 'further to our conversation on the x at x time, here is a recap. To my horror I have found out x, then say how, include your evidence, and finish by saying 'whatever course of action you choose to take, up to and including legal action, I will support. It has come as a great shock to me, I trusted h etc, however I cannot in all conscience support, cover up or collaborate in an illegal activity.

Do this asap aA you have no idea how quickly, or I'd the financial partner may move

Sorry the last sentence should read

"Do this asap as you have no idea how quickly, or if the financial partner may move. Keep yourself clean, you may need to"

Text messages won't protect you! Get it all sent by email and confirm in writing. Like a proper letter sent by post. Keep a copy for your own records. Get proof-of-postage from the post office.

If this is potential criminal activity then you must do everything you can to keep any suspicion about having been involved well away from you.

Do not rely on any party to behave with integrity other than yourself. At the moment you have no proof of a potential crime other than what someone else has said, so there may be no concrete evidence of conspiracy to commit a crime other than your say-so.

I don't have the friends email address, not sure if he has one as he doesn't really use the internet, do you think emailing something like that to 'D'P would help?

I don't rely or trust any of them now - even as I was ringing the friend I was thinking 'what if he joins in with the plan or thinks I am lying', it's very much all boys together in this field and they all seem to think the little woman should butt out of business matters. I really hope I have judged this friend better than I did my 'D'P (he's not my DP but for the sake of consistency..) and he manages to stop everything.

i would text friend and ask him for his email.

i would no longer speak to your ex. don't engage, have nothing more to do with him.

Well, if you don't have the friend's email address do you know his home or business address?

Do everything you can think of to protect yourself from any accusations of being implicated. This is very serious indeed, so you must not leave anything to chance.

Text?? Put it in writing.

I'd also approach the police and ask for advice.

He's annoyed that you've discussed his 'personal business' with the very person who has been investing in his dodgy dealings?! God, he really isn't thinking about anyone else except himself. You are absolutely right.

As others have said, you want to be leaving paper trails about your unwillingness to be involved in this in case stuff does hit the fan.

I don't rely or trust any of them now - even as I was ringing the friend I was thinking 'what if he joins in with the plan or thinks I am lying'

If you think there's any chance of that then you have to go to the police to protect yourself.

Im sorry but i think if there is any likelihood of this coming out and you being implicated then go to the police. You are still at risk from the nasty people you describe because if it goes tits up your DP may well blame you anyway, so you will have no protection, either from being implicated yourself or repercussions from "dodgy" people.

I know what you are saying about covering myself by going to the police but surely that will open a whole can of worms! Would they just sit on the info and keep watch incase he did do it and then pounce or would they confront him now before anything happened even though he hasn't committed an offence and what if he doesn't go ahead with it will they just file my statement away? I'm so confused - he'll lie through his teeth regardless to get out of anything, I've definitely learnt that after this weekend!

Texts can be used as evidence, you have put it in writing. Can you find out what the friend is going to do? As long as it doesn't go ahead you should be fine.

I was just about to ask why emails could be used but texts couldn't - still typed by the same fingers! lol - I'm a bit reluctant to contact the friend again, i'm hoping he may contact me. Probably a stupid idea but could I go to solicitor or someone and get a statement witnessed then held by them for me incase I needed it? (clutching at straws)

I am not sure exactly how it is possible to work on a project without knowing what the goal of the project is, or how it is going to be used, nor how your ex managed to get financial backing without forecasting what the goal is. Which leads me to believe that the investor could be in on it in the first place? That begs the question, how did YOU get involved?

I don't think there's any point in going to the police unless you have concrete evidence of his intention to commit a crime.

If you can't write to this friends who's provided some of the funding I'd be giving very serious thought to consulting a solicitor and having them draw up an affidavit for you. Signed and witnessed about the facts around what you did in this project, what you discovered and what you suspect the other person's intentions might be etcetera.

I don't think you're going to get any sound advice here because you can't disclose what it is. There's a big difference between something illegal that may end up in civil court versus something illegal that may end up in criminal court.

Ah - an Affidavit, i'll look into that now! Thank you. Quint - it's hard to explain without putting the whole sordid story, but, I am sure that the friend did not know anything about it, this is the second project we have worked on - the first is being used for exactly the purpose it was designed and all went well. This time it's been more costly, is a bigger project and unfortunately desperation has kicked in hence him looking into bigger financial rewards through criminal activity. The friend puts the money upfront, then Ex (better!) puts money into the project as it goes along whilst I oversee a lot of it.

You don't have to say obviously but is this alleged crime something along the lines of fraud, misrepresentation or similar, or an act which could result in actual physical harm to people?

I just checked the cps website and the penalty is 8+ years for lead role so pretty serious, it wont directly hurt anyone as in, its not assault but it's not fraud etc. Sorry - its very difficult i'm not being vague for attention, i just dont want the actual crime on the thread due to googling iyswim