Opinions Please - sorry so long

[Marsbarcheesecake]

Background - together 3&bit years. I'd been in a 20yr EA marriage he'd been a player for 15yrs after divorce from unfaithful wife .... we took it really slowly - I didn't introduce him to my children until we'd been seeing each other for over a year.

Started talking about him moving in with us about this time last year and planned to do it in October (2013) with his place being rented out. Then in August he became seriously ill and after a life saving op couldn't go home alone so moved straight in with us. It was difficult to start with but we all soon got used to it and he's made a remarkable recovery. We've got engaged and he's recently booked (and paid for - a considerable sum) a holiday for us, my children & his two daughters (both early 20's).

This morning he's gone away for two nights with work. I went to log into Facebook on shared computer to find him still logged in and this conversation showing (sorry it's long!)

Conversation started 31 March 2012

HIM: 31/03/2012 11:33

Hi Sxxxx
It was as lovely as it was unexpected to see you in the pub on Friday night. I hope I didn't disturb your evening, but I had to say hello.
I have to go to Cyprus soon but wondered ... would you like to catch up over coffee sometime?

Nl x

HIM: 26/04/2013 16:13

Hi Sxxxx
Weird to think it's a year since we bumped into each other in the Prince of Wales. I wasn't ever going to follow up but just saw you today having a (very late!) lunch with another lady in a restaurant at the foot of road. Actually almost said hello, but then wondered if it was your Mum maybe, and didn't want to intrude / cause you to have to explain everything to her.
Now I'm home, I wish I'd said hello of course. Hence this message. You know, it's seventeen years since our summer romance. Seems forever ago, and yet also just a few months. How weird time is.
I'm actually on the verge of a pretty big decision. You know how it is... You know you will look back one day and recognise this was a big turning point, but of course THEN you'll also know what the right decision should have been ! Unfortunately it's now when you've got to got to make the damned decision !
I guess you decided not to go to Australia? Maybe you're living happily ever after with your Terence Trent D'Arby lookalike (couldn't resist ) or maybe you've moved on. I'd love to know. It feels like we had a great story but we never got to read the last page.
Whatever happens, I do hope you're happy. You still looked charming and elegant at lunch
N

Sxxx: 07/04/2014 17:20

Hi N, I'm so sorry for not responding, I've only just found your messages. Facebook is still a bit of a mystery to me…and I don't come on very often. I went to Australia last year, finally got the visa, but only stayed for 3 months.
How was your decision….did you make the right choice? I'm with Terence and very happy….hence I didn't leave blighty. Seventeen years….gosh, time has flown. I hope you're well and enjoying life. It was nice to bump into you, you haven't changed.
S x

HIM:18/05/2014 13:32

No, I don't use FB much either... but it was good to hear from you. well, it's 18 years now, and yes, I made the right decision, moving in with Axxxxx after a lot of soul-searching. Didn't think you'd changed either... but I'm pleased you're happy. Maybe we'll meet again sometime, who knows? You take care, N

HIM; 18/05/2014 13:40

ps jus re-read that and it sounds a bit like a christmas card greeting to a distant friend. There is more I could say, of course, but I've made a choice. I guess I'm saying I shouldn't have got in touch but it was still really good to hear you're happy. I really wish you every happiness in life - and lots and lots of happy chistmasses to come of course!!

HIM:18/05/2014 14:46

OK one last go.
I’ve just re-read again and it now sounds like I thought I could click my fingers and somehow rekindle an old flame. Er, no,.!
All I’ve been trying to say Sxxxx, is – you and I ended so suddenly then it was like you fell off the world, and I’d love to know what happened next. I’d love to have a coffee and tell you what happened to me too. We had this wonderful moment in the sun and it seems weird to have just airbrushed it out of history.
But I realise now that that get-together can’t really happen as, even if you’d still like to do it (admittedly unlikely after these mad ramblings), the person I’m with might not see it that way, and I couldn’t possibly do that to her, as well, I owe her such a lot (including nursing me back to health after my very nearly dying last year).
Anyway, I’m well now, in fact something of a health nut (long-distance running etc!), who’d have thought??
And I’d like to wish you well properly, and hope that, if we ever do bump into each other again, it will be as friends.
N x

Sxxx: 18/05/2014 14:52

Hi N, it's good to gear from you, I'm so sorry to hear you were ill last year. It sounds like you've been through the wars. It has been a long time, and yes we both have stories! I'm so glad you found someone you care about, and who obviously cares about you. I'm sure we'll bump into each other at some point, I'm back in the UK now after a bit of travelling. Getting married next year! I wish you all the very best in the world too. Sx

HIM: 18/05/2014 14:57

That's wonderful news Sxxx, many sincere congratulations, N x

Sxxx:18/05/2014 15:03

Thank you x

Now I feel curiously unemotional about this ..... what do you think? The only thing that bothers me is that he didn't say that he's getting married too.

OP whatever you do, please please please delete this fake profile immediately.

I'm afraid if someone did this to me I would sue them.

OP, what more proof do you need that your partner is a player?

It reminds me of this story: a man thinks his wife is having an affair so he hires a private investigator. After two days, the private investigator reports back to the husband with an envelope full of photographs. There's the wife seeing a man on the street, greeting him. There's the two of them having dinner. There's the two of them having an intimate glass of wine. There's the two of them going into a hotel. There's a shot of them through the window... then a shot of the blinds being closed.

"Argh, see that?" said the husband. "This is so frustrating. If only I had proof!"

The messages he sent seem to be quit innocent ,but doing what you did shows you do not trust him(it's call entrapment ) .You have basically ended the relationship yourself

what more proof do you need that your partner is a player?

I would have thought to earn the title 'player' you'd need to do something a bit more extreme than message a very old flame a couple of times?

OP, I think your fake-profile idea is totally nuts. However, you've done it now, and although I think you may be in a situation that's going to be tricky to row back from, I am also quite interested to see what he does next.

Oh stop, he didn't just "message" an old flame--he clumsily and persistently came on to her! Of course that's a player.

I'm another one who agrees with tigermoll. I've got an ex from over 20 years ago who I think of fondly, and I'm sure I'd feel curious / nostalgic if I bumped into him unexpectedly. Doesn't mean I don't love my DH to bits.

I think the fake profile may cause all kinds of problems OP. A bit of snooping around your DP's messages is one thing, but impersonating someone is out of order IMO.

Matilda - persistently? A handful of messages over a period of two years?

Saying he still thinks of her and wonders how the story would have ended and he wants to meet and there's so much more he could say but it needs to be a secret from his present live-in partner?

No, that's not coming on to someone at all.

He sounds like a shit

Whilst I wouldn't be thrilled if this was my husband, it DOES sound like fairly innocent navel gazing to me.

I think you should discuss it with him though.

Whilst I wouldn't be thrilled if this was my husband, it DOES sound like fairly innocent navel gazing to me.

I think you should discuss it with him though.

Whilst I wouldn't be thrilled if this was my husband, it DOES sound like fairly innocent navel gazing to me.

I think you should discuss it with him though.

Sorry for the multiple posts. Don't know what happened there.

Matilda I'm afraid if someone did this to me I would sue them

You wouldn't succeed though, because you would have no grounds for doing so. What would you try to sue for? Invasion of privacy? But he is responding to a profile on the internet. Its not a crime to set up a fake profile unless its used for illegal purposes. And speaking to your husband pretending to be another woman isn't illegal. Why do you think the police don't get sued by child groomers when they get an adult policewoman to set up fake internet profiles to catch them?

OP - I would want to find out as much as possible before I invest in getting married to this man. I think what you are doing is perfectly justified. But I also think you're avoiding the truth (admittedly if he has past form you might feel you might not get it any other way). But I would simply confront him with the messages and tell him you don't find his behaviour acceptable, and gauge his reaction.

My notion is though that he is one of those irritating men who likes a lot of attention, preferably online because its easier for him that way, that whatever you say he will justify this as "being friendly" or even "helping out an old friend because he had known her to be depressed" or some other nonsense. So you provide the security and he continues in his fantasy of being a man that lots of women would secretly love to be with.

I would also guess that the woman he contacted worked him out years ago and finds him quite irritating, hence his total and rather pathetic failure. But he might not fail in the future, so its his pattern of behaviour I'd be more insulted by, than this one incident.

I was contacted a number of times on the internet site I mentioned previously by this man, and I complained about it. Apparently he had a long term partner too, yet I cannot believe the number of women so gullible as to make excuses for him "just being friendly" and blaming me for being uptight for resisting contact from a man who wanted to flirt with me online.

Oh Christ - Mills & Boon meets Barbara Cartland. Yuk.

Agree with other MNs - he sounds a pathetic creep.

SMaybe you should advise him to change his password.

Hi op,

I'm trying to be generous here, i think you made an error creating the fake website, thats ok we all have odd moments. But undo that mistake right now missy;-) Delete the profile.

Sit down with chap explain whats happened and how it has made you feel and how you're unsure if he's a potential cheat or someone with a bit of past yearning that he was trying to put to rest. See where it goes from there. Good luck.x

Op, is everything ok ?

He sounds like he is up for meeting and re-kindling his old flame. How would he react if he saw those messages from you to one of your ex's. He probably would be questioning wether to proceed with the relationship.

I agree with the others who say that if you need to play games, then you obviously dont trust him. It could really blow up in your face.

Why not just take screen shots and ask him?

Hi Marsbar - I was thinking about your post last night and am hoping that he replied by saying he's not interested. This thread stuck in my mind because it was quite ambiguous. Hope you're OK.

Oh heck yes I hope you're ok op.

I can understand why you've done that with the profile and I would probably have done the same. Your not impersonating her , no harm will come to her and surely once he arranges to meet you'll confront him and delete the profile. There's a way to make profiles private anyway .

Those messages are cleArly an attempt to rekindle things and I wouldn't be happy about it either.