Opinions Please - sorry so long

[Marsbarcheesecake]

Background - together 3&bit years. I'd been in a 20yr EA marriage he'd been a player for 15yrs after divorce from unfaithful wife .... we took it really slowly - I didn't introduce him to my children until we'd been seeing each other for over a year.

Started talking about him moving in with us about this time last year and planned to do it in October (2013) with his place being rented out. Then in August he became seriously ill and after a life saving op couldn't go home alone so moved straight in with us. It was difficult to start with but we all soon got used to it and he's made a remarkable recovery. We've got engaged and he's recently booked (and paid for - a considerable sum) a holiday for us, my children & his two daughters (both early 20's).

This morning he's gone away for two nights with work. I went to log into Facebook on shared computer to find him still logged in and this conversation showing (sorry it's long!)

Conversation started 31 March 2012

HIM: 31/03/2012 11:33

Hi Sxxxx
It was as lovely as it was unexpected to see you in the pub on Friday night. I hope I didn't disturb your evening, but I had to say hello.
I have to go to Cyprus soon but wondered ... would you like to catch up over coffee sometime?

Nl x

HIM: 26/04/2013 16:13

Hi Sxxxx
Weird to think it's a year since we bumped into each other in the Prince of Wales. I wasn't ever going to follow up but just saw you today having a (very late!) lunch with another lady in a restaurant at the foot of road. Actually almost said hello, but then wondered if it was your Mum maybe, and didn't want to intrude / cause you to have to explain everything to her.
Now I'm home, I wish I'd said hello of course. Hence this message. You know, it's seventeen years since our summer romance. Seems forever ago, and yet also just a few months. How weird time is.
I'm actually on the verge of a pretty big decision. You know how it is... You know you will look back one day and recognise this was a big turning point, but of course THEN you'll also know what the right decision should have been ! Unfortunately it's now when you've got to got to make the damned decision !
I guess you decided not to go to Australia? Maybe you're living happily ever after with your Terence Trent D'Arby lookalike (couldn't resist ) or maybe you've moved on. I'd love to know. It feels like we had a great story but we never got to read the last page.
Whatever happens, I do hope you're happy. You still looked charming and elegant at lunch
N

Sxxx: 07/04/2014 17:20

Hi N, I'm so sorry for not responding, I've only just found your messages. Facebook is still a bit of a mystery to me…and I don't come on very often. I went to Australia last year, finally got the visa, but only stayed for 3 months.
How was your decision….did you make the right choice? I'm with Terence and very happy….hence I didn't leave blighty. Seventeen years….gosh, time has flown. I hope you're well and enjoying life. It was nice to bump into you, you haven't changed.
S x

HIM:18/05/2014 13:32

No, I don't use FB much either... but it was good to hear from you. well, it's 18 years now, and yes, I made the right decision, moving in with Axxxxx after a lot of soul-searching. Didn't think you'd changed either... but I'm pleased you're happy. Maybe we'll meet again sometime, who knows? You take care, N

HIM; 18/05/2014 13:40

ps jus re-read that and it sounds a bit like a christmas card greeting to a distant friend. There is more I could say, of course, but I've made a choice. I guess I'm saying I shouldn't have got in touch but it was still really good to hear you're happy. I really wish you every happiness in life - and lots and lots of happy chistmasses to come of course!!

HIM:18/05/2014 14:46

OK one last go.
I’ve just re-read again and it now sounds like I thought I could click my fingers and somehow rekindle an old flame. Er, no,.!
All I’ve been trying to say Sxxxx, is – you and I ended so suddenly then it was like you fell off the world, and I’d love to know what happened next. I’d love to have a coffee and tell you what happened to me too. We had this wonderful moment in the sun and it seems weird to have just airbrushed it out of history.
But I realise now that that get-together can’t really happen as, even if you’d still like to do it (admittedly unlikely after these mad ramblings), the person I’m with might not see it that way, and I couldn’t possibly do that to her, as well, I owe her such a lot (including nursing me back to health after my very nearly dying last year).
Anyway, I’m well now, in fact something of a health nut (long-distance running etc!), who’d have thought??
And I’d like to wish you well properly, and hope that, if we ever do bump into each other again, it will be as friends.
N x

Sxxx: 18/05/2014 14:52

Hi N, it's good to gear from you, I'm so sorry to hear you were ill last year. It sounds like you've been through the wars. It has been a long time, and yes we both have stories! I'm so glad you found someone you care about, and who obviously cares about you. I'm sure we'll bump into each other at some point, I'm back in the UK now after a bit of travelling. Getting married next year! I wish you all the very best in the world too. Sx

HIM: 18/05/2014 14:57

That's wonderful news Sxxx, many sincere congratulations, N x

Sxxx:18/05/2014 15:03

Thank you x

Now I feel curiously unemotional about this ..... what do you think? The only thing that bothers me is that he didn't say that he's getting married too.

Falsely impersonating a RL person is sailing too close to the wind ethically IMHO

Don't forget Sxxx is the innocent party in this situation she acted completely honourably and told him the complete truth (in a relationship, nice memories, have a nice life)

Would you like to think there was a false double of you out there on a public Internet forum ?

His reply will tell you everything you need to know.

Then delete the profile sharpish.

So supposing he does agree to have a coffee with her? What are you going to do then? Disguise yourself and follow him around town on Saturday? Of course, she's not going toturn up so where does that leave you then?

His messages to her may not be entirely innocent (or they might be) but there is no way of disguising the fact that you are now definitely behaving in a very underhand fashion.

there is no way of disguising the fact that you are now definitely behaving in a very underhand fashion

And if he I just confronted him & he claimed there was nothing in it you'd all say "well he would say that wouldn't he" !!! If he agrees to meet up then I'll have irrefutable evidence to confr

Damn phone

to confront him with !!

But the problem is that you know he wants to meet up with her - he's more or less said so in his messages to her. I would be more concerned with whether that was just for a coffee and a casual flirt for old times sake (but he's very happy and settled in his relationship with you, thank you very much) or whether he actually wants to rekindle relationship with her. You won't know that from his decision on whether to meet 'her' for coffee.... Sorry Marsbar, I don't really see how this can determine much for you regarding his real intentions.

Would be tempted to do the same thing tbh!

I hope it's all innocent. x

Because knittedknickers if he's agrees to secretly meet up with her that's enough for me (& incidentally the medication he's on for a year following the nearly fatal health problem
means sex isn't the motivator).

This subterfuge will not help you

Even if he agrees to meet with her, he will still have wriggle room to say "it was just a catch up for old times sake" and you will have lost the moral high ground by attempting to set up a honey trap

if you don't trust him, then what kind of relationship do you have anyway ?

re. the medication

it's amazing how a little bit of off piste recreation can get the flag waving again, IYSWIM. I wouldn't rule that out, but I don't think you will find your answer this way

She made it clear to him that she wasn't interested, and he was pretty persistent. By impersonating her you are leaving her open to his continued contact, which may not be welcome. That's really unfair.

I do trust him - I'm confident (99.9%) that he won't agree to meet - but if he does let me down then I'm not interested in his reasoning.

It's the majority of all the views on here that's made me feel I should find out

Mars, you sound like a nice lady, have you gone a bit crazy this evening ?

if i were this woman I would be furious with you for using her in this way

she has a partner and a family of her own

if this blows up you risk wrecking her relationship as well as your own

when the person at fault here is him

take it up with him, and keep this poor woman out of it

But how will that even work? Have you put his profile in his friends list? If you have have you blocked her so she can't see it? If you haven't then he'll not get he message anyway as it'll go into his other folder.

If he finds out what you have done then the relationship is doomed anyway, regardless of whether his intentions are innocent or not. And if the woman finds out that you have basically stolen her identity on FB, I would expect her to be absolutely steaming!

That's true. You need to make sure he accepts the new facebook request from 'her' and receives a message without replying to the real one. Even if you get onto his account, delete her profile and accept the counterfeit one, I'm pretty sure he'll be aware that the messages are no longer part of the old thread. He may ask if you got a new account or something I suppose. I don't think you will find out anything terribly significant from this experiment, except this: he was very oily and persistent through all his messages to poor X, and at the end he seemed to have a change of heart and decide that he couldn't meet up with her anyway (even if he wanted to) because he couldn't 'do it to you'. It seemed like that might be the oily fudging of someone trying to save face after being blown off. If she were to make this decision to meet up on Saturday only for him to say, 'I'm sorry but I really can't do it to my fiancee' it would at least meant there is something solid about the manipulative drivel he's been spouting to this other woman. Only you can know how much that will count for in the reckoning, but it's something. I'm sorry it's happened, I'd be in pieces if it were me.x

Underhand or not, I think its a good idea to do something like this so as to arm yourself with as much information as possible. After all, you are planning to tie yourself to this man in contract for the rest of your life, and there is a lot at stake for you, so since he has shown potential bad character, you need to find out as much as possible to show whether its worth going through with or not.

I think it's an appalling idea. The poor woman's done nothing wrong - this issue is between you and your partner; you should've left her out of it.

Fwiw, I have someone I think of with rose tinted glasses but, given that I'm in a happy relationship with someone I love and respect, I wouldn't ever dream of contacting this ex in the way your partner has. He's your problem, not her.

You have the proof that he's trying to get in someone else's pants the second he's out of your sight, what more do you need?

Bad call OP,
If you are having doubts - why put up a fake profile if you were sure of him - then call it off. You don't deserve this, he's so NOT worth it.

If he really was innocent, why didn't he tell you when he saw her? I contacted a 'What if' flame years ago, very rose tinted specs on, told my DH I'd been friend suggested on FB, told him about it etc. I had nothing to hide, no one went ape and we carried on as normal.

Wow, I can't believe you've done that No good can come of this OP. If I was this woman and found out what you did, I would be LIVID.

Fact is if you've felt the need to go to these lengths then communication has obviously broken down and your relationship is over.

I can't believe you've stolen her photos and set up a profile as her.

You've potentially caused this innocent woman all kinds of shit.

What if your DP screenshots the message and when she doesn't turn up, sends it to her DP?

If you're going to these ridiculous lengths then your relationship is already up shit creek. You don't trust him. What more do you need to know?

I agree with tigermoll actually. His first two messages were more than a year apart, and then his third was in response to her reply to his second message. He then sent a few in quick succession as he didn't seem to like how he came across the first time, and then the conversation ended.

However, pretending to be her wasn't the best thing to do. Whether he was up to no good or not, you obviously don't trust him now and that doesn't bode well.