Answering the same question over and over again makes me want to gouge out my eyes with a rusty spoon...

[isabellavine]

NC for this, but regular.

Also, this is a trivial matter compared to a lot of what people are going through on this board, but I need to vent.

Just got back from a weekend away with inlaws. They are in reasonable health, and there are no issues with dementia, or anything like that.

Every SINGLE time we see them, they ask the same questions:

• How did you get here (and 'by car' is not good enough, every SINGLE road traversed has to be listed IN THE RIGHT ORDER)

Have you thought about moving away from X (poor northern city) into Y (rich country area close by that I would never move to because it is full of cows and other scary creatures, and also has no shops that sell anything useful.. and also we could never afford it)

• Have you thought about getting a new car (despite receiving the clear answer 'We cannot afford it at the moment')
• Do you have plans to build an extension/decorate your home? (see above for our answer)
• Why are you not members of the National Trust? (we have answered this one literally 8 times in the last year - it is definitely not our thing).

Is it unreasonable to think that if I answer a question more than three times, people should at least try to remember the answer, and that not doing so is rude and anti-social? And also, is it unreasonable to think that this is not about the information, but about them judging us and finding our lifestyle wanting? (For the record, we have never accepted any financial help from them, so in my view they have no right to do this).

When we leave, they always angle like mad for an invitation to our house "Oh, I suppose we'll be seeing you at your place soon" etc. etc. etc.

It sounds like you have nothing in common and they are trying (and failing) to make conversation. Do they ever get an invite to your house?

I agree with the PP. It sounds like they're struggling to find common ground and are therefore repeating themselves. Yes, it's imposing their likes and dislikes onto your lifestyle but do you ever turn it back and say 'how can you possibly live surrounded by scary cows, shotgun-toting chinless wonders and the constant smell of shit?' etc Maybe agree to that invitation they so badly want and then show them just how terrific your poor northern city really is? :)

They are the type that claim to be die hard socialists - in fact, they never stop going on about it - but they always live in places that are conservative (with a big and small C) in the south, without any real poverty: places where there are thatched cottages, bijou shops selling knackered bits of wood with white paint on them, and gastropubs. They once had to move up to the East Midlands for 3 years for work, and they couldn't wait to get out because -argh - there were ACTUAL POOR PEOPLE there, and there was industry and not everything was prettified.

However, they love industrial archaeology, because that's quaint.

I have actually made a huge joke about my own fear of the countryside, and they still ask us about moving. I haven't turned it completely around and said 'How can you live in a godawful middle class enclave with nothing to do like D-' because they are the type that are hugely insensitive to others, but hugely oversensitive to any perceived comment on their own lives. Perhaps it's time to start!

They visit us quite a bit, and because of the distance it is always for days at a time. They do not like our city!

They are probably struggling to make conversation with someone who is clearly so judgemental. You could go prepared with a whole bundle of conversation topics that you do actually want to discuss, and steer the conversation in those directions as you object so much to anything they have to say.

Do you visit with your DH - why can't he deal with these questions; it does sound as if they are just trying to make conversation - my DPs have very different interests to me and often tell me long boring stories about their visits to the ballet or theatre, but I expect they are just as bored when I talk about the things I like doing. I have learned to smile and nod - a great mumsnet technique.

Alternatively you could try and get in first - 'we had a great journey, came off the B223, went via that lovely National Trust place, took a short cut via the A58, drove through a lovely village, yes, it is all so beautiful around here; our car is running so well at the moment, it is a pleasure to be out and about driving etc etc' - kill them with kindness.

I think it's just a case of them not listening to the answers.

I'm a lifelong vegetarian. Since kindergarten. Since I was about three years old. I don't eat meat, fish or eggs. Never have. I'm now a middle aged woman. When we go and stay with my parents - my dad will be carving the joint of whatever roast and he'll say 'Fontella?'

"No dad, I'm a vegetarian" "Are You?" he says, like it's the first time he's ever heard it!! No dementia there either.

My mum will make sandwiches for everyone and give me a ham one.
"Mum, I don't eat ham, I'm a **ing vegetarian". She looks at me like I've just landed in a space craft.

Well what sparkling topics of conversation do you introduce?

And why on earth do your DH's parents have to "angle" for an invitation to his home?

It's hard having guests in your home, especially one you have little in common with (and perhaps wouldn't choose to be friends with if she didn't happen to be married to your son?) but they are trying. Are you?

Ah.... they are hypocrites ..... .... and snobs. Yes, they are probably asking about the new car/extension/NT membership in the full knowledge that you can't afford one just so that they can shake their socialist heads and tell their friends how much you struggle.

You are Onslow and Daisy to their Hyacinth... Some earthy working-class pomposity popping is long overdue.

DH and I are both writers/academics, working in a field that is very concerned with social inequality. Though my background is working class, by virtue of my job alone, I'm clearly not working class any more! We are comfortably off - I don't mean that we are claiming poverty and I should have clarified this in my first post. When I say 'we can't afford it' to them, I mean that we don't really prioritize it. We are absolutely not having to survive on a fiver a week, like some people have to.

I think it would be pretty boring for us to launch into intense, heavily theoretical discussions with them (they have asked about our writing, and we have explained it as best we can, but it is generally met with blank stares). It's not that they are stupid at all - it's more that the basic assumptions of their lives and ours are so very different that it makes it hard to communicate across that divide. They will, for instance, happily criticize a hair salon for having pink signage in a posh area, whereas part of my work is about investigating how taste is a function of class, and inescapably laden with values and value judgements - and yes, that includes my own! (One the reasons I'm on Mumsnet is that I am fascinated by the aesthetic judgements that are often made on here).

DH finds them bullying and overbearing in their demeanour (he's had a lot of counselling over the past few years to deal with the fact that he still fears his father, even though he's now 40). If I'm honest, I find them exhausting, boring, and noisy. We don't get much time off as we both pretty much work 7 days a week, and the thought of seeing them more regularly than the current four or five times a year fills me with horror.

To add, it's the endless REPETITION of these questions that fascinates me. Like they'll just keep asking until they get the answer they want to hear!

Can you just start prefacing your answers to the repeated questions with, "Well, as you may remember I said the last x times you asked me this…"?

It is difficult when you have nothing in common with family members you are duty-bound to see. Is there any subject at all that you do have in common, so you could leap in with that first when you see the conversation turning towards the joy of country life and the National Trust again? Books, radio/tv programmes, failings of current political leaders etc etc.

I still think they see you as beneath them... You may not be wearing the metaphorical flat cap or being dragged down the road by a nasty dog on a string but, by not prioritising NT membership and new cars, and by living in a nasty northern town, you're inferior. I'm not surprised DH finds them bullying.

Maybe if you watch you'll see some parallels.

They sound annoying! They are being bloody rude, and they are the ones who are being judgmental not you, expecting you to keep explaining why you don't do what they think you should do.

MIL is a bit like this - not so much with the repetition but cannot understand why her lifestyle would not be perfect for us, and what is wrong with our kids that they don't like being jumped all over by her dogs. I have sometimes responded with "MIL I am a very urban person and I don't think that's going to change." :)

I would just start turning it all back on them but as politely and genuinely as possible.

"Why don't you move to X"

"Well as I think I've mentioned before I'm nervous around farm animals and like being in a busy city. But PIL, why don't you move from where you are to a big city?"

"How did you get here?"

"By X and Y route as usual. Where have you been recently? How did you get there? What roads did you use? Did you take X route or Y route?"

This might at least make them see how tiresome and unnecessary it is to be asked these questions. You could also plan a list of other conversational topics to keep asking them about. Possibly, you could find something everyone actually wants to talk about. I can talk to MIL about cooking and shopping for example, even though it's a bit dull it is common ground.

4/5 times a year is quite a lot by my standards. I see relatives I like about that much. And they're only an hour away. Cut out a trip here and there. Same questions twice a year is bearable (maybe 3).

Fontella my grandmother does the same as your parents! I've been vegetarian for about 9 years and vegan for 6/7. Corned beef? No? Cheese triangle? No. Cue anger over my apparent change of diet (huh?). Don't speak to the toad now, though. It is too tiring and quite insulting. If she bothered to listen she wouldn't get it wrong.

4/5 times a year is quite a lot by my standards. I see relatives I like about that much. And they're only an hour away. Cut out a trip here and there. Same questions twice a year is bearable (maybe 3).

Fontella my grandmother does the same as your parents! I've been vegetarian for about 9 years and vegan for 6/7. Corned beef? No? Cheese triangle? No. Cue anger over my apparent change of diet (huh?). Don't speak to the toad now, though. It is too tiring and quite insulting. If she bothered to listen she wouldn't get it wrong.

tbh, I'd just walk in the door and say

"Hello there! We came on b road, leading to z road and down the bypass. We still have no plans to move away from X, we are very happy there, we haven't got a new car and no, we aren't getting one and no, we aren't planning an extension either, we've no money for either and I don't fancy robbing a bank and I am sorry to report that we are still not interested in becoming members of the national trust. And how are you today? Is there tea in the pot?

I know they are your in laws, but considering the damage done to their son, has he/have you (plural) thought about making visits even less frequent. I think I would.

You are adults and thus can choose not to spend your time with bullying idiots.

Love Hecate's! :o

Hecate!

Oh God, I realise I must come across as a drip-feeder here, but it really is NOT intentional. Cog - you are right, they definitely don't see me as good enough for DH: when he announced we were getting married, you could really feel a palpable disappointment. We made matters worse by having a tiny and non-showy wedding for family only.

I think there's also a difference in family culture too. When we go see my parents, we sit and have a cup of tea and chat. They ask how I am and they listen to the answer. They give us time to read and catch up with work each day. I might help my Dad out by washing the car. When they come to me, he might give me a hand with the garden. If we want a cup of tea at any point, we can just wander into the kitchen and make one. It's very mundane, in a way that's easy and relaxed - we are basically a family of introverts.

When we see DH's family, we have to have a full itinerary - so it's up early, and out to a National Trust house, then a pub lunch, then a visit to a pretty village somewhere for no reason other than to wander around it, then a cream tea, then another visit to another village and then a drink in the pub, which is where these routine questions are always asked. Every activity must be done all together as a family, to the point that they are very uncomfortable with people taking their own cars, because it means they could possibly leave. Everything must also be done with a maximum of noise and fuss, otherwise we are not enjoying ourselves. Then we go home and we are served/expected to serve a three course meal at 8pm on the dot, which MUST be followed by coffee and liquors with chocolates, or cheese and port. This happens every single day until the visit ends. It costs a fortune.

I realise that many people would find this heavenly, but I absolutely hate it and I trudge around in a situation of increasing stress, desperation and misery.

Hecate Brilliant!

I think in your position I would meet those questions with a 'didn't you ask me that last time?' But say it very politely and as if you're genuinely confused, not passive-aggressively.

They do sound utterly infuriating. My dad is similar, although he isn't asking questions, he's telling me the same things about himself. It is completely infuriating. He always offered me a cup of coffee when I've never drunk coffee ever. I don't think you can really change people like this.

Fontella/Dirtybadger Oh, and we are both veggies too, as is BIL! DH fairly recently, and MIL always offers him "just a little bit" of pork/chicken/beef, with a pitying face at me for being the wicked witch that forces him not to eat MAN FOOD! (Not true, he has a brain of his own).

Oh and OP, your job sounds really fascinating.
I have a relative who sounds very like them, with the formal itinerary and suppers. Aged 5 I remember sitting at their table with about 3 different types of cutlery and wanting to sob it felt so formal and unrelaxed. I think it's something people of a certain class/generation do.

"When we see DH's family, we have to have a full itinerary"

That's hard work. Snobs are always too anxious to impress and put on a good show. I'm not at all surprised that, when they come to stay with you, they want a similarly full itinerary and all the trimmings.

I think you're going to have to lock horns on this one sooner rather than later. 'No' is a complete sentence. Fewer visits sounds very sensible. Certainly don't get suckered into matching Hyacinth's 'candlelight supper'... that way madness lies.