Cutting off your own child

[CrispyHedgeHog]

DD aged 23 got into my house the other night and stole a bag that a friend had left here for safekeeping whilst on holiday, which contained laptop, jewellery, phones and stuff to the value of approx £2k and She and her physically and mentally abusive bf sold the contents and used the money to buy drugs, so they've effectively been on a 4 day binge in her room at my mum's house. My mum is a deaf so was oblivious to what they were up to. I and my DS knew, and went there a few times to check what was going on and that DM was ok.. couldn't get in at all.

Friend is furious (understandably) and wants me to replace/reimburse for the stuff that's missing but I'm broke so it's going to take some doing :(

They must have run out last night and started on the come down. He's gotten violent and DD called the police this morning and then refused to let them in. The first I knew of this was a call from a neighbour of my mum's saying the police were outside her house. I went straightaway (only a couple of streets away) and the police had managed to get in, the bf was struggling with them and they dragged him off to their van in handcuffs. Tomorrow he will be in court for breach of bail conditions I think?

DD was in her room with a female officer after that, no idea what she told them but she kept texting me to shut up cos she'd go to prison. Police have said they'll be sending a referral to SS cos my mum is elderly, which is fine but my mum won't believe a word of what's happened and refuses to make my DD leave, which would actually help DD because she'd get support from MH services and housing etc.

DD refused to come out of her room after the police had left and this evening she started sending me abusive and threatening messages, then she plastered all kinds of stuff about me and DS on FB too because I wasn't responding to her messages.

There's a huge backstory, DD is diagnosed with BPD and a big list of other MH things, she sometimes has issues with class A drugs when she can get them, the rest of the time she smokes weed. She's been 'challenging' since she was about 13, was involved with cahms and eventually acute adolescent MH units. Last year she stole £5k from my mum, £3k from me plus jewellery, tablets, mobile phones, basically anything sellable. Her bf is incredibly violent to her, held her hostage for two weeks last year and basically starved, beat and raped her that whole time, causing her to miscarry. There's a non molestation order against him and a court case coming up in a few months but they won't stay away from each other.

The last few days is just the latest in a series of events that occur every two or three months, each time is catastrophic.

Honestly.. I don't think I can take anymore. I feel I need to cut her off, but how can I? She's my baby, my child.. but she's destroying not just her life but DS and mine too. She won't accept help and I just don't know what to do anymore :(

Sorry that was so long.. and I should have added that friends of hers were able to get in and see that everything was ok over that few days.

Don't have any words of wisdom but someone is sure to be along very soon. I'm so sorry for your situation.

For the sake of your other child you have to let go. There is nothing you can do for her, not now she's in thrall to this monster b/f and the drugs. This should be the end of the road. Any family support she gets will just allow her to carry on with her self-destruction and take the rest of you along with her.

If you haven't reported the theft the other day then you must do it now.

What an awful position for you to be in. It would be nice to think that if you reported her for the thefts she would get the help she needs but I don't have any faith that she would. It's possible I suppose.

Thing is you don't have it in your power to help her or cure her but you can try to protect yourself and your DS. And sometimes people need to hit rock bottom before they will accept help. Is there any possibility of her being sectioned?

I can't imagine what I would do in this situation, sorry.

Report them both for the theft and break in. She needs there to be consequences. Those consequences could be part of her getting proper help and getting away from the bf.

And I meant to say, I'm so sorry you are in this awful situation.

I completely agree with Denzell. It is a terrible situation and I feel for you but the reality is you are unwittingly enabling her if you protect her from the consequences of her behaviour.
You need to take care of yourself ,your DS and your mum. Easier said than done but you need to go no contact from now on.

I have some experience with BPD with a close family member I won't go into here but I can honestly say to you.. phone the police and report the theft. She needs to be dealt with for what she's done regardless of what her bf has put her through.

You need to do this to put a chink in her normal.. report her for the theft and have her dealt with. There are few ways you can save a person with BPD as it's such a fucking twat to deal with but you have to interrupt their normal chain of thought and actions when you can.

save her from herself no matter how much it hurts.

What a horrible situation for you to be in. I'm so, so sorry for you.

The last few days is just the latest in a series of events that occur every two or three months, each time is catastrophic.

Last year she stole £5k from my mum, £3k from me -- & the latest being almost 2k worth of goods from your friend.

Just reading these two things alone scream out you need to report her to the police for the theft. It won't be easy but I promise you it'll be worth it in the end. For her & for you. If she does end up in prison (which to be honest, is what she deserves) then hopefully they will introduce her to a rehab programme as well as qualifications of some sort & she might be given a new shot at a clean life once she's released - as well as a new start from this horrible, vindictive, controlling partner she's with.

I feel for your daughter. I'd like to say she'd get the support she needs if she was reported, but she probably wouldn't. Our criminal justice system doesn't do particularly well with those with MH problems. She probably would be safer in (some) prisons, though. Very sad.

You need to report her. And you can't pay your friend. It was stolen. It wasn't your fault. Would you be expected to pay for it if someone else had stolen it? Does she not have it covered by insurance somehow? I'd be a mad if my friend didn't report the stuff her kid stole, but it isn't your responsibility. She is an adult.

Let her know you love her, but you have to let go. She cannot take priority over yourself and the rest of your family. It's not like it's just you two. If you continue to support her you'll get pulled in further. Paying debts, having shady characters at the door, etc (if the class A's escalate). Not good.

I feel for your daughter. I'd like to say she'd get the support she needs if she was reported, but she probably wouldn't. Our criminal justice system doesn't do particularly well with those with MH problems. She probably would be safer in (some) prisons, though. Very sad.

You need to report her. And you can't pay your friend. It was stolen. It wasn't your fault. Would you be expected to pay for it if someone else had stolen it? Does she not have it covered by insurance somehow? I'd be a mad if my friend didn't report the stuff her kid stole, but it isn't your responsibility. She is an adult.

Let her know you love her, but you have to let go. She cannot take priority over yourself and the rest of your family. It's not like it's just you two. If you continue to support her you'll get pulled in further. Paying debts, having shady characters at the door, etc (if the class A's escalate). Not good.

You need to cut them off and tell your friend to report the theft to the police. You didn't do it and they didn't steal it with your knowledge, so your friend can't really ask you to replace the stuff.

If she goes to prison at least she will be away from him and indeed safer. It's possible that it would be the wake up call, but you can't save her from her downward spiral if she doesn't want to be saved. :(

You're all right.. I know that. Thank you for responding.

BTDT wrt to the debt paying, hence being broke now. There are a few dealers after her even now, but for relatively small sums so they aren't chasing her too hard.

It's just so hard to cut her off. My mum won't agree to it and so we have to keep contact to protect mum who's in her 80s.

She has qualifications, she's super intelligent and fully qualified in her field but has never held a job for more than a few weeks.

Last year after the hostage thing SS and LA were really good about helping her get housing, therapy etc but as soon as he got back on the scene it all went to shit again, this is why I'm hopeful that she'd be well helped if she was made homeless and had to get away from him.. he's homeless and sofa surfing so he can't put her up. He's alienated most of his family due to his behaviour, but even his dad is a class A dealer so not the nicest of families anyway.

It's fucked. When you get handed that little bundle of squishiness you don't expect life to turn out this way for them :(

No, you don't expect it. :(

I think there is hope, but I suspect it will get worse before it can get better. If it gets there, but if you continue to protect her I can only see it getting worse, tbh.

I don't think you have any choice to be honest.

What you're doing now clearly isn't working. She's a thief, a drug addict, she's in a violent relationship, she's abusing and threatening you and your son when she doesn't get her own way - when you don't respond how she thinks she should respond, denigrating you on the internet. She is totally out of control.

Nothing you are doing is helping her, if anything she appears to be getting worse, and all the time you (and indeed your mother) are there at her beck and call, and facilitating this kind of behaviour - because that is what you are doing.

Why isn't your friend whose bag was stolen pressing charges? Did you and your mother report the thefts of the jewellery, money and other items she stole from you?

She isn't your 'baby' she is a 23 year old woman who is making her life and the lives of everyone around her, a misery. She clearly has no thought or concern about you, your mother, your son, nor anyone apart from herself and her psycho boyfriend.

I kicked my son out when he was 17. And I mean physically pushed him out of the door with my daughter's help one morning after a huge altercation. He didn't drink, smoke, take drugs, he wasn't violent. ... but he was turning into a horrible little twat who stayed up half the night and then wouldn't get up for college. He was rude, moody, arrogant and lazy ... and he was making my life and the life of his younger sister a misery with his behaviour. So I kicked him out. He threatened me with the police and allsorts, and I told him to go right ahead. He slept on a friends' couch to start with and at one point begged to come back in tears, but I said no. I told him I wasn't put on this earth to put up with his crap. Just because I'd given birth to him that didn't mean I'd signed up to a lifetime of his shit. Nowhere is it written that mothers have to live with the kind of misery you are living with, inflicted on you by your daughter.

My son lived away for almost two years. Apart from paying his mobile phone bill, I didn't support him financially at all, and had virtually no contact with him. Yes of course I cared and worried about him during that time - sometimes I got a physical ache and would often cry alone, but I had to think of my daughter and indeed myself. So he had to get on with it. He had to get a job, went back to college, he lodged with a college friend and paid his mate's mum rent every week, and he got his act together.

He living back at home with us now, a polite, well adjusted young man who respects me, loves his sis, he's done really well in his A levels, plays sports, goes to the gym and is off to Uni in September. He's clean, tidy, helpful, has three part-time jobs, and I couldn't ask for a better son. He says himself .. that he looks back at what he was turning into and just can't believe how awful he was. He also tells me that me kicking him out was the best thing I could have done. Not just for me and my daughter, but for him.

It's time for some tough love with your daughter. Cut her free - let her get on with it. She'll either sink or swim, but there's nothing you are doing now that is helping her.

My heart breaks for you but please don't stop loving her. Evil like this has a life span and eventually she will hopefully come back to you. Please don't give up on her if you can find the strength to hold in there. If you can't, no one would blame you.

Cutting off doesn't mean that a mother stops loving their child. It may be borne out of love and wanting the best for the child.

I'm sure you'll keep your door open to her when she is ready, but not while he is destroying her life and of her family.

Its a hard thing to do but you must report her to the police. Its the only way your friend may be able to get her things back. Her house insurance may cover them for off premises (some do some don't). Your own contents insurance may also help.

Gosh this is awful and so sad to read. I am afraid my mom could have written that post about my brother, who was a drug addict and who they tried to 'save' for years. Finally after things hit rock bottom for my folks, they finally cut contact. Shortly thereafter, he hit rock bottom- and finally got clean.

I hated my parents for a long time for allowing my brother and his issues to ruin my life. I was too young to leave and to protect myself. My parents should have done that for me.

You have a choice now. You cannot save your daughter, but cutting contact may help her save herself. You can however save yourself and your son.

Please visit al-anon- very helpful for families of addicts!!!

Good luck. It's hard.

I went to a talk by two former heroin addicts whose lives had been turned around by a drug intervention programme.

They said they only got the help they needed, only accepted the help they needed, when they were visited in a police cell having been arrested, again, for theft.

Report the thefts. Tell the police she needs a drug intervention programme.

You arent helping her by not reporting her.
report the thefts and ask your friend to.

I'm so sorry op I second reporting her and seeing if she can get in to rehab or something, also can you claim on any house insurance? If you have a police number you might be able to.

Oh HedgeHog, I have no wise words - I think you're living one of my nightmares. I can hand hold but I'm useless for much more.

From my experience people often get the best help possible (for them) whilst in prison....drugs counselling, medical attention etc.

For some it becomes a cycle of prison/clean/back into it; but at least there is a cycle iyswim. Its better than a full on hurtling out of control with none of you knowing where, when or how it will end. Prison will also give your mum a break from it all.

It may be the hardest thing you've ever had to do but report the thefts.

Is there any chance you might get your mother to sign up for reporting her? She must also recognise that the current situation isn't working.