Cutting off your own child

[CrispyHedgeHog]

DD aged 23 got into my house the other night and stole a bag that a friend had left here for safekeeping whilst on holiday, which contained laptop, jewellery, phones and stuff to the value of approx £2k and She and her physically and mentally abusive bf sold the contents and used the money to buy drugs, so they've effectively been on a 4 day binge in her room at my mum's house. My mum is a deaf so was oblivious to what they were up to. I and my DS knew, and went there a few times to check what was going on and that DM was ok.. couldn't get in at all.

Friend is furious (understandably) and wants me to replace/reimburse for the stuff that's missing but I'm broke so it's going to take some doing :(

They must have run out last night and started on the come down. He's gotten violent and DD called the police this morning and then refused to let them in. The first I knew of this was a call from a neighbour of my mum's saying the police were outside her house. I went straightaway (only a couple of streets away) and the police had managed to get in, the bf was struggling with them and they dragged him off to their van in handcuffs. Tomorrow he will be in court for breach of bail conditions I think?

DD was in her room with a female officer after that, no idea what she told them but she kept texting me to shut up cos she'd go to prison. Police have said they'll be sending a referral to SS cos my mum is elderly, which is fine but my mum won't believe a word of what's happened and refuses to make my DD leave, which would actually help DD because she'd get support from MH services and housing etc.

DD refused to come out of her room after the police had left and this evening she started sending me abusive and threatening messages, then she plastered all kinds of stuff about me and DS on FB too because I wasn't responding to her messages.

There's a huge backstory, DD is diagnosed with BPD and a big list of other MH things, she sometimes has issues with class A drugs when she can get them, the rest of the time she smokes weed. She's been 'challenging' since she was about 13, was involved with cahms and eventually acute adolescent MH units. Last year she stole £5k from my mum, £3k from me plus jewellery, tablets, mobile phones, basically anything sellable. Her bf is incredibly violent to her, held her hostage for two weeks last year and basically starved, beat and raped her that whole time, causing her to miscarry. There's a non molestation order against him and a court case coming up in a few months but they won't stay away from each other.

The last few days is just the latest in a series of events that occur every two or three months, each time is catastrophic.

Honestly.. I don't think I can take anymore. I feel I need to cut her off, but how can I? She's my baby, my child.. but she's destroying not just her life but DS and mine too. She won't accept help and I just don't know what to do anymore :(

I'm sorry but until and unless you can get your mother on-board nothing will happen except more of the same. Neither of them will stop their destructive behaviour until they've stripped your mother and her house of anything of value. Carry on as you are and nothing will change.

Time for some "tough love", I'm afraid.

The thing is, you and your mother can choose what you do and how you react to your daughter's nightmare of a life but your other child can't. And that's the person right now who is deserving of your protection

If the theft is reported and she is arrested, it doesn't matter what the grandmother does.

No joy from my mum I'm afraid. Went to see her earlier and got a load of abuse - I'm the bad one and it's all lies, DD would never do such things etc etc. Ridiculous cos my mum knows how she is.. even had an injunction on her at one point (sadly expired now)

btw when I say class a's I don't mean heroin, it's party drugs, coke, mdma, ghost etc.

My head's a shed atm.. barely slept.

It's shit.

Well as long as your mother enabling her she will never change.

I personally would cut her out of my life and leave your mother to deal with them.

btw when I say class a's I don't mean heroin, it's party drugs, coke, mdma, ghost etc.

It doesn't make it any 'better' that it's not heroin & it's coke instead. It's still caused her to steal approx £10,000 worth of goods that are not hers - regardless of what she's sniffing, smoking, shooting.

Please, you need to contact the police on this matter. I know you will find it hard because you'll feel that you are betraying her & destroying any form of relationship you do have - but let's be honest, if you / she continues down this path, you will end up with no relationship anyway. You have nothing to lose but something to possibly gain by taking this further.

-had to google ghost

How could it matter what drugs she's taking when she's stealing from her own family member's houses to fund it? Anyway, I think you'll find that cocaine is a Class A drug and its effects can be just as pernicious and damaging as heroin. Being found guilty of possession of both of those drugs carries a max sentence of seven years, and dealing a possible life-sentence. Like Chocaholic says: she's got her hands on over ten grand's-worth of other people's property to fund their fun. It could hardly be much worse, could it?

have you told social services that your 80 year old mother needs protecting for her own good? and report the thefts.

Report the theft to the police before your friend does?

How come she knew about the bag full of valuable stuff? Did you tell her?

This is a toughy! The abusive messages, bf, drugs, mental health etc combination sounds very intensive and stressful.

Sometimes the best thing we can do for our 'children' (by the way - she is a woman) is to let them pick up after themselves. A line will have to be drawn at some point. How far are you prepared to let it go?

Boundaries need to be re-established and people need to be protected. This comes first.

Then - What do you want from her? What behaviours are not prepared to accept? If she can meet your conditions - how far will you be in her life?

The best anti-venom to chaos is for new rules to be put in and stuck to. You need to let her know where you are at (tired, weary , just can't do this anymore etc) and what your priorities are right now (getting my own life back...).

Where do you go to get support yourself for this?

The best thing would be to report her to the police for theft. Your friend should do the same. Carry on reporting every incident. She need boundaries.

She needs to get clean and separate from her DH. Prison could help her do this

Report your DD and her BF to the police for the thefts.

Your friend presumably knows about your DD and left her belongings at your house at her own risk. Unless you gave her cast-iron guarantees that her belongings would be safe, I really don't think you're liable as you didn't let your DD in - she broke in.

But please do report the theft. There have to be consequences and this could lead to your DD getting the help she needs.

OP, sorry to hear you're going through such a horrendous time but I have to echo what many have already said on this thread. For the sake of your other child and more importantly for yourself, you have to let go of your daughter.

My brother is 44 and an alcoholic. He has stolen, lied, ruined countless family holidays, birthdays & Christmases and basically made my parents' lives a living hell for the past 12 yrs. Mum was diagnosed with cancer last year and the day she was receiving her test results after having a mastectomy he went on a massive bender and passed out in their house pissed, rather than stay sober to hear if she was ok. I've cut my ties with him for the sake of my own mental health. Mum still worries herself sick over him and spent the last week pacing the floor when she couldn't get in contact with him. Sometimes I wish he would just die so the torment would be over for everyone rather than always waiting on the phone call to say he's had an accident or he's been arrested. But I know that would be the worst thing for my Mum.

And I'll be completely honest on here as it is anonymous and say that I have also been incredibly angry with my parents over the last 12yrs as I feel my brother has sometimes came before everyone else. There have been times when I've needed their advice or wanted to talk to them but he was having a episode so I knew I wouldn't have their full attention and ended up thinking "what's the point". They've always taken it for granted that I'm the sensible one, the reliable one, I'll always be ok.

I hope things get easier for you.

Guys you're all great and speaking sense.. thank you.

The police yesterday said they'd do a referral to SS but we already have that anyway via OT after a hospital stay that mum had. She's also got AgeUK support. No further forward on a decision re the police.. DD is denying everything. As to my friend's things.. I might not be legally responsible to replace them but morally I feel that I should.. it's not fair for them to lose out because I have a dodgy DD.

DD knew the things were here because she and DS are close in age and have a lot of mutual friends, one of them was here with DS when friend dropped the stuff off and must have mentioned it casually.

Poor DS is very hurt and angry although he's not showing it.. they are v close in age and when they were little people often thought they were twins and that's the kind of close relationship they've had. She's been fine for a few months now and we really thought she'd finally got herself sorted and then this happens :(

Sorry.. should add

I fully agree with the view that I need to let her sink or swim for herself now but I can't see how to do it without putting my mum at risk.

And the shitstain bf got bail again, despite it being his third occurrence of breaking bail conditions and violating the non molestation order If he was out of the way we could make some headway with DD, cos she's much more stable when he's not around

As a child who has been cut off by my own mother (I am of course a woman, but still her child), I cannot imagine a circumstance where I could cut off one of mine especially when they are obviously in a bad place.

Your DD definitely needs tough love, to be reported for theft, for her grandmother to tell her she is no longer welcome etc but she does also need YOU so please don't cut her off. She seems to have sunk into some kind of pit of despair settling for an abusive relationship, drugs and criminality. There is a reason she has gone down this road. The violence from her bf must pretty traumatising, the poor girl.

Has she any therapy to find out the root cause of this behaviour? I know you mentioned she had been involved with CAHMS but I have found them pretty useless tbh. Can you go to see a family counsellor with her? I imagine she will find it very hard to extricate herself from her bf if he is violent and getting her drugs. Can you contact Women's Aid for advice for her?

What about her father? Is he in her life?

She needs to know you are always there for her but you will not accept her behaviour and her criminality and she must take the consequences.

No matter if she is 3 or 23 she is still your child. Just because she is an adult, she is no less your responsibility and should be just as important as your DS and if he is close to her age, he is an adult too. Opting out when they get challenging is pretty shit IMO. Sorry, I don't mean to sound harsh.

I have just seen a similar situation to this as well with a friend of 17 year old DD's. Mother has cut her off completely. No drugs involved though but a rather troubled back story. Very sad.

No further forward on a decision re the police.. DD is denying everything

Of course she is! She's come down off her drug binge now and is probably belatedly worried about the consequences of her actions. Don't debate it with her - just go to the police and tell them what you know, i.e. DD aged 23 got into my house the other night and stole a bag that a friend had left here for safekeeping whilst on holiday, which contained laptop, jewellery, phones and stuff to the value of approx £2k and She and her physically and mentally abusive bf sold the contents and used the money to buy drugs

My BIL was like this - manipulated anyone he could - there is always someone an addict can batten onto to get money.
Nothing changed till he went to rehab and got away from his old friends.

All you can do with your mum is tell her that for your son's sake you will not enable DD anymore and are cutting her off - if your mum decides to carry on enabling her there is nothing you can do - you can't save people from themselves.
DD needs to be separated from the boyfriend and sadly, unless she books herself into rehab the best way to do this is for her to get sent to jail.
You must report the thefts and see if you can get some help from victim support to deal with this situation.

Miggsie that's pretty much what I've done now. Mum won't back me and DS up and somehow DD has convinced her that we're the bad guys.

It's up to the two of them now - but it won't take long before she does something to DM and hopefully then we can work on something.

DD is clearly now feeling the consequences of what she's done (losing me and her brother) because she's posting all kinds of sad stuff on fb, childhood memories etc. It's so hard but I'm not responding in any way or letting it be known that I've seen anything. I just want to scoop her up and cuddle her and fix her with magic like I used to when she was little :(