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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Husband is telling everyone I'm mentally ill

35 replies

BelleBoyd · 18/05/2014 21:37

My husband had been treating me quite badly for some time now since I became pregnant with our second child. Name calling, swearing at me, getting drunk and not contributing in the house or with the children. We have a 4 year old DD as well as my DS who's now 9 weeks old.
His behaviour has got a lot worse since the birth of our son. He refuses to help with him much and doesn't help in the house at all.
We have had many arguments. One was about him playing loud dance music on his iPad next to our 3 week DS. He propped the iPad next to his head in his bouncer. I was quite worried about that and did say quite sternly to stop it which resulted in an argument. He then called the HV and said I was mentally ill and insinuated I wasn't able to cope with the children which resulted in a social services assessment.
He continues to tell his family I'm ill and has now told the GP I'm aggressive and need immediate mental help.
I've asked him to move out-he is staying at a friends for a week. But has spent the afternoon out with our DD and when he came back there was more verbal abuse and insistence I'm mentally ill.
I don't know how to stop his behaviour. I am certain now I can't carry on in this relationship. I am frightened of him being back here when the weeks up and the continuing harassment,swearing and general menacing behaviour. His family all believe him.
He has had mental health and addiction issues in the past whereas I haven't but it is me who is under scrutiny.

OP posts:

readysteady · 18/05/2014 21:40

Bless you this sounds very stressful for you (thus your name) i don't know what to say other then I'm listening and that I hope you can find a way out of this situation. Are you in contact with your family?

Joylin · 18/05/2014 21:44

Can you record him when he abuses you? Then you'll have evidence to show people what he's really like.

superstarheartbreaker · 18/05/2014 21:49

Get out ASAP. Hope your ok. Women's aid?

Original poster

BelleBoyd · 18/05/2014 22:02

My mum is very supportive and I have a few good mum friends from my DDs nursery. I know I need to get out but I don't want to leave my house and disrupt the children more than I have too. I'm not sure what I can do. I've mentioned divorce to him but he would never agree. I can't afford a lawyer and I don't qualify for legal aid.

OP posts:

readysteady · 18/05/2014 22:10

I would tell your mum everything! I would Also phone woman's aid for advice for when you are ready to leave him x

perfectstorm · 18/05/2014 22:17

If you've explained the situation to your HV and GP, and your GP has access to his and your medical records then that may be sufficient evidence of domestic abuse, actually. Talk to Women's Aid but abuse needn't be physical and abuse victims get legal aid.

You don't need his permission to divorce him. His behaviour is clearly very unreasonable! And if you can speak to Women's Aid they may be able to advise you on how to keep him out of the house, legally. Accusing you of mental instability while behaving as you describe is actually another form of abuse. That iPod thing was horrible - didn't the HV see your perspective? How about the social worker who assessed you? Presumably they were clear on there being no concerns?

pertempsnooo · 18/05/2014 22:20

Try to extend this separation and get in touch with women's aid ASAP. So sorry to read this as I have been in similar circumstances. Being a mum to little ones is hard enough!

Pinkballoon · 18/05/2014 22:23

Its projection. He knows he is, so he's projecting it on you.

Original poster

BelleBoyd · 18/05/2014 22:27

I explained the situation to the HV and she referred us to social services as there had been arguments in front of the he children. She was quite annoyed by him as he kept calling her to say I was suicidal etc. Which I'm not btw.
When the social worker came round she saw through him straight away and I haven't heard from them since. I presume they dropped it. But he's trying to start it all off again by calling the GP. He said he arranged a appointment for our DS but when I went it was just about me and I was told I had to have a mental health assessment because of what he had said. The GP said it would look bad if I didn't agree to it.
I'll call women's aid tomorrow. I'm not sure how to prove he's been verbally and emotionally abusive.

OP posts:

EBearhug · 18/05/2014 22:33

I'm not sure how to prove he's been verbally and emotionally abusive.

Writing down everything you've said he's done here is a good start.

Walkacrossthesand · 18/05/2014 23:32

Sympathies, stressed, this is very hard for you. I would have thought that him reporting that you are unstable and need a mental health assessment, which you then undergo and demonstrate no problem beyond the stress of living with an abusive bully will be a fairly powerful indicator that he is the one with the problem.

IAmNotAMindReader · 19/05/2014 00:09

You need to act. Report the abuse and intimidation to the police dv unit. You need to protect your children as he is actively trying to set a scene to have you removed form their lives.
Yes he would do it as everything he is doing is pointing towards him doing that as soon as you cross one of his invisible lines.

You may qualify for legal aid if it is a dv relationship (which it is) so everything works in your favour to report this. Could you talk to your Hv again about how you could go about getting other agencies involved to get him out. Tell you GP everything he has been doing as well and the other people he has involved.

Call Shelter and Womens Aid.

Your HV and the social services report will also help to prove he is abusive as well as reporting his behaviour to the police.

Lweji · 19/05/2014 00:13

It looks like your HV will be able to support your claims. It's not normal to harass a HV with claims that a spouse is suicidal, while leaving her in charge of the children.

Please cut all contact with him, bar in writing.

You can get legal aid if he is abusive, but in any case, you can separate for your sake and of the children.

ThaneOfScunthorpe · 19/05/2014 00:17

I remember your thread about the loud music. What an abusive wanker.

Original poster

BelleBoyd · 19/05/2014 02:18

I'm worried about reporting it as domestic abuse..I can only prove he's been calling people and saying I'm mentally ill. The other behaviour-name calling swearing and rushing about slamming doors-won't that be seen as "just arguing". I have to admit after some weeks of this I have lost my temper with him a few times and called him names too. Does that mean I'm abusive too? He says I abuse him. He has me really confused.
The HV seemed to think it was both our faults. She said to me we mustn't argue in front of the children.

OP posts:

LettertoHerms · 19/05/2014 02:28

Accusing their victim of abuse is a classic tactic. Name-calling, swearing, and slamming doors is not "just arguing".

Call Women's Aid, they can give you advice.

EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 19/05/2014 03:12

Many professionals don't understand the dynamics of abuse and see it as 'arguing' with 50/50 responsibility. This is not the case, you are not responsible for him abusing you at all and you are not abusive.

Lweji · 19/05/2014 03:21

Did you tell the HV about the music?
There is arguing and there is arguing because he's being a twat and abusing you and the children.

But this is why you should ring WA for support.

Thumbwitch · 19/05/2014 03:30

Call Women's Aid. They will have heard stories like yours 1000s of times and will be able to advise and reassure you. Your H is abusing you - the fact that he's trying to say that you're abusing him is a classic diversionary tactic. Other people will know about the drinking. Other people will be able to testify to the fact that he is saying you are mentally ill.

TAKE the mental health check, because then it will be documented that you are NOT mentally ill and prove that he's a liar!

You are in an abusive relationship and you owe it to yourself and your children to get out of it - the loud music next to your 3wo baby is abuse in itself. :(

So sad that you're going through this and I hope you can find the help and strength to get out of it. x

VashtaNerada · 19/05/2014 04:27

If you google where you live and "IDVA" (Independent Domestic Violence Advisor) - assuming you're in the UK - you'll get the number of someone local who's completely separate from the police who can talk it through with you in your own time, will explain what behaviour counts as abuse, and will help you go through your options.

Chottie · 19/05/2014 04:46

Please call Women's Aid. You need advice and support.

His behaviour is unacceptable. Slamming doors, swearing and shouting is abusive. As for the loud music next to 3wk old baby - that is unforgivable behaviour, do not let this man try to control you. He is a bully.

Original poster

BelleBoyd · 19/05/2014 05:22

Thanks it's reassuring and a bit frightening to hear other people thinking this behaviour is abusive.
I looked up IDVAs just now and it says they are for high risk cases. I know this is daft and perhaps I have lost some confidence through all this but I feel like I'm making too much of a big deal out of it. I do however want to separate and have some control over what happens next though.

OP posts:

Thumbwitch · 19/05/2014 05:28

Then phone Women's Aid instead and talk to them - tell them what's been happening and they will tell you whether or not they think it's "sufficiently abusive".

" I feel like I'm making too much of a big deal out of it."
Of course you do! Because you have been conditioned into this way of life, it's been getting progressively worse by stages, not a sudden leap into abusiveness - this is how they operate, mostly, step by step and each one is too small to worry about by itself - if he started off behaving the way he is now, you wouldn't be with him!
AND he's got you doubting yourself by the process of gaslighting, so you're now unsure of what you know even - you've said yourself that you've lost confidence - that is part of the abusive relationship, keeping you second-guessing yourself so that you never get your head together long enough to leave.

skinmysunshine · 19/05/2014 06:28

OP from the outside this looks very frightening and very
much domestic abuse that you need help with. Please do take the advice here and speak to Women's Aid

itsmethechubbyfunster · 19/05/2014 07:04

seetressed I have recently left an abusive marriage.

I think your situation is 100x worse than mine.. (but then we all think that!)

You need to call womens aid, they were so so helpful when I left.
What you are describing sounds like gaslighting to me, look it up. It is psychological abuse. And it is dangerous because he is trying to paint a picture to professionals... and who knows? eventually you might start to believe him.

I did not go to the police. I didn't want to 'make things harder' I just wanted to leave quietly.

I regret that now, no evidence for legal aid.

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