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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

How to raise an issue with DH

43 replies

Auroras · 18/05/2014 19:15

I want to raise a few issues with DH but am sitting feeling sick to my stomach at the thought. Every single time there is anything to discuss that includes relationship issues, we end up in a war with him threatening divorce. Please could other people tell me how they raise issues without it getting nasty. Thanks.

OP posts:

KiaOraOAotearoa · 18/05/2014 19:19

Why do you want to even bother? given that just thinking about it makes you sick to the stomach and he's threatening with war/ divorce, having an honest conversation about it all seems futile.

Original poster

Auroras · 18/05/2014 19:25

We have been married for 19 years and cant seem to get this communication thing right :(

OP posts:

JohFlow · 18/05/2014 19:28

So if you raise anything that really concerns you ; he responds with threats of divorce? Your choices seem to be put up with what you are unhappy with (making yourself sick and keeping him happy) or take him on in a showdown!

I think the answer is to tell him that you want a conversation about your relationship that does not end in threat of divorce - because things do bother you and it is getting to the stage where threats are becoming ineffective.

What are your thoughts on the future of the relationship?

Guiltypleasures001 · 18/05/2014 19:28

Actually why don't you ask him for a divorce and see what he says if you take away his weapon of choice then he might have to listen.

If he says yes ok I want one then there is no relationship and you won't waste another 19 yrs stressing about it.

Original poster

Auroras · 18/05/2014 19:32

Well I just tried saying "we need to chat but dont pull the divorce card". He then got up, stormed out saying I will not tell him what to say and I am right, we cant have a discussion. So thats it, discussion over. What am I doing wrong?

OP posts:

KiaOraOAotearoa · 18/05/2014 19:33

Yes, but you are scared, so it's a bit ....something makes me think it's not the communication that's the problem, it's your OH's attitude. You shouldn't be scared to bring anything up, iyswim.

What are you trying to tell him?

I'm not one for diplomacy, really, but trying to communicate with my DH when he is hungry/tired/off on one.... Doesn't work.

Why don't you start by saying I need to talk to you but I am worried you're going to flip, let me know when it's a good time?
That's just wrong....

hotcrosshunny · 18/05/2014 19:33

Staying married to him?

He has massive issues by the sound of it.

Have you asked him why he does it?

EverythingCounts · 18/05/2014 19:36

So for how many of those 19 years has he been pulling this out of the bag? And what usually happens after he does?

gamerchick · 18/05/2014 19:36

I agree tell him you want a divorce unless he listens to what you've got to say.

Life's too short man :(

JohFlow · 18/05/2014 19:40

oh I am a bit of a warhorse OP when it comes to walkers-of/tantrummersf. I would follow and assertively say 'I haven't finished what I was saying and there has been a walk out, I wanted to say....' .

Original poster

Auroras · 18/05/2014 19:42

I used to be a bit more confrontational so could handle it better but for some reason, the last few years, I have lost my nerve completely. I have asked him why he does it, he says I talk shit and he does not have to communicate with me if he doesn't want to. Which I suppose he doesnt.

I would like to discuss the fact that he sits the whole weekend while myself and my older two sons cook, clean, etc I asked him to just help with my youngest sons homework but when I checked tonight after tea, dishes and washing, nothing had been done. Sounds silly but I feel like a cleaner.

OP posts:

Guiltypleasures001 · 18/05/2014 19:42

If he won't communicate then the onus is on you op to think through what you want for yourself. Unreasonable people can't be reasoned with, and to be honest if you've given it a fair crack of the whip then maybe it's time you made plans without him.

I'm sure if you expanded on what's going on for you there's loads on here who can give an unbiased opinion, and we promise not to divorce you.

Original poster

Auroras · 18/05/2014 19:43

Jo I have done that but he literally just shuts me out and if I push he goes and locks himself in the room.

OP posts:

LadyAlysVorpatril · 18/05/2014 19:44

Ltb he sounds like an arse.

Selks · 18/05/2014 19:44

Well, he has discovered a good tactic to shut you up and stop you raising issues, hasn't he?

That is why he does what he does.

This is nothing to do with something you are doing wrong and everything to do with his controlling behaviour. What's he like in other aspects of your relationships? Do you feel you are treading on egg shells around him?

Guiltypleasures001 · 18/05/2014 19:44

That's your answer from him then, mine to you is LTB your kids don't need to learn these lessons from such a disrespectful bully
Sorry op this must be humiliating for you.

Original poster

Auroras · 18/05/2014 19:45

Thanks Guilty. I feel so silly. In years gone by I would have thrown my toys but for a few years now, I just withdraw and I really dont like that about myself. I feel trod on.

OP posts:

BillyBanter · 18/05/2014 19:45

And his good points are.....?

Original poster

Auroras · 18/05/2014 19:47

Selks we talk about daily stuff like kids, tv, etc but nothing on an intimate level. I feel a bit like we are two ships passing. He seems to think things are fine. I am desperately lonely.

OP posts:

Hassled · 18/05/2014 19:47

You're not doing anything wrong - you sound like a nice woman who's trying her best.

You also sound like someone who's lost any sense of what is normal. His behaviour really isn't normal - he's a lazy bastard, you have a problem with it and he storms out like a petulant teenager.

You've had this for 19 years - how does the thought of another 19 years sound? Does it fill you with dread? I can't imagine he's going to change - why should he? It's not like he gives a shit.

Motherinlawsdung · 18/05/2014 19:49

Take it from me, it will just get worse. He's offering you the divorce option so grab it with both hands. Do you really want to be with this abusive wanker ten years from now? Are you getting anything at all from this relationship?

tribpot · 18/05/2014 19:49

What am I doing wrong?

Why do you assume this communication problem is your fault?

wyrdyBird · 18/05/2014 19:49

I don't think you're doing anything wrong, except in expecting him to be fair and reasonable, when he has no interest in being fair and reasonable.

If his only response is to offer a divorce, perhaps it's time to call his bluff.

BillyBanter · 18/05/2014 19:51

Things are fine for him. He gets to laze around on the weekend while you do everything for him. The only fly in the ointment is that once in a while you complain about the unfairness of this. But that's ok because if he immediately escalates to divorce threats instead of listening and respecting your complaint you back off and he's left in peace for another few months.

Original poster

Auroras · 18/05/2014 19:51

Thats it Hassle, I really dont think he gives a shit. In no way do I feel like he actually cares. I think I used to but TBH, I am not sure.

OP posts:

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