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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

How to raise an issue with DH

43 replies

Auroras · 18/05/2014 19:15

I want to raise a few issues with DH but am sitting feeling sick to my stomach at the thought. Every single time there is anything to discuss that includes relationship issues, we end up in a war with him threatening divorce. Please could other people tell me how they raise issues without it getting nasty. Thanks.

OP posts:

JohFlow · 18/05/2014 19:52

It sounds like hard work Auroras. When men shut themselves away, took themselves in 'the Batcave' or the brick wall goes up - it is usually because they have issues with conflict. But that is not to say that there is not conflict in the relationship that will need conflict to sort it out. Peace-making is often not a peaceful process! It is unfair that you feel responsible for resolving this on your own and taking full onus for deciding to end/repair this relationship.

Forget him a mo. What do you want? Can you see that with him? How much effort do you want to put in from now?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 18/05/2014 19:53

This is not about communication; he's basically shutting you down emotionally and you are denied a voice. This has been happening I daresay also for some considerable time. The power and control balance is firmly in his favour. He also does this partly because he can and also because such tactics work on you.

What do you get out of this relationship now and what lessons on relationships is their Dad and you for that matter teaching them?. Would you want your children to act in relationships like he does?. Of course not but what you are teaching them is that currently all this is acceptable to you.

Your children hear and see far more than you perhaps care to realise, I wonder what their opinions would be of the two of you as their parents?. They probably just want the rows to stop and for the two of you to split up asap.

Original poster

Auroras · 18/05/2014 19:53

I have assumed its me because I am the one trying to open the lines of communication to discuss something. Maybe it is the topic or maybe I need to word it differently?

OP posts:

Nocomet · 18/05/2014 19:55

I leave notes on his computer key board when I really really want him to listen.

Childish, but reasonably effective as I only do it when really annoyed.

BillyBanter · 18/05/2014 19:55

It's the topic. The topic is he's a lazy selfish arse and you are asking him to change this. He is not willing to change.

You need to word it more along the lines of 'Pack your bags. I want a divorce.'

AttilaTheMeerkat · 18/05/2014 19:56

No, its not you its him. He is emotionally abusive and has ground you down. This is what such men do. His needs are met and yours are ignored. Denying you a voice and shouting you down is abuse.

What do you think he is teaching your children about relationships here?. Do you want to show them that this loveless relationship is their "norm" to follow when it comes to their own adult relationships?.

Original poster

Auroras · 18/05/2014 19:57

I only wish I had the guts I had years ago. I am ashamed I even behave like this! I was so strong and outgoing and would never have taken being treated like this. I wonder if age has made me a doormat.

OP posts:

BillyBanter · 18/05/2014 19:59

No, his continual basing you down has made you this way. It happens to people all the time. Not just to you. There is no need to be ashamed.

But it would be of great benefit to you and your DC if you could find your way to splitting up with him.

Have you thought about calling Women's Aid?

BillyBanter · 18/05/2014 19:59

*bashing

AttilaTheMeerkat · 18/05/2014 20:02

Men like your current H like outwardly strong and outgoing women (and perhaps but not always also with somewhat shaky self esteem and self worth) to take down with them into their pit. This is what your H has attempted to do to you over the years; bring you down with him. He has not quite succeeded because you know on some innate level that this is wrong. He has still not quite succeeded to crush your spirit; there is still some of that left.

One day your children will leave home, what then for you?. They will not thank you for staying with this man if you choose to and you do still have a choice with regards to him; your children do not.

Abuse like this is insidious in its onset and you are not the first nor the last to be abused like you are currently. This situation is intolerable for both you and your children; its not just you who is being affected here by dad's private war against his wife.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 18/05/2014 20:03

0808 2000 247 is the number for Womens Aid.

Original poster

Auroras · 18/05/2014 20:04

Thank you. I am going to call.

OP posts:

tribpot · 18/05/2014 20:08

Maybe it is the topic or maybe I need to word it differently?

Or maybe you need to accept that he is stonewalling you on purpose to hurt you, keep you compliant and because it makes his life easier. He's not interested in participating in your family or your marriage.

JohFlow · 18/05/2014 20:33

From experience; this happens to all kinds of partners Auroras. It is so very subtle and difficult to gauge. I think you do absolutely the right thing when asking questions and seeking opinion outside of your situation. Abuse is a very strong word and only you can decide whether that represents your situation and even whether the word sits alright with you. Whatever you choose to call this; you are aware of the eroding effect it is having on you and that it isn't going to change overnight (if at all). To not be heard and your views respected is an intolerable situation and you deserve better.

You have many qualities - awareness, determination, knowledge of the relationship that you would like - that will stand you in good stead.

No-one can tell you what to do. But you do have to make a decision that is in YOUR and YOUR children's best interests.

You have support.

hotcrosshunny · 18/05/2014 20:39

I wonder what your sons think?

I would engage with conversation with him see if it turns to an argument. When he threatens divorce then say yes. See what happens then.

KiaOraOAotearoa · 18/05/2014 21:33

The guy sounds like a bully, of course you're scared.
Just take some time out, go to a cafe or something and pretend you are your daughter/sister/best friend.... Pretend you're on the outside.

We're all on the outside and know very little about you, but from what you've been saying, there are massive alarm bells ringing really loudly. You've been beaten into submission and that's no way to treat anybody.

morethanpotatoprints · 18/05/2014 21:40

OP, this sounds dreadful, you need to be able to talk to him.
I know it must be difficult when you look at the possibility of throwing 19 years away, but can you afford to be unhappy for the next 19 years.
It sounds like he wants his own way and a bag to put it in and by being placid you are allowing this.
The next time he suggests divorce take him up on the offer as a marriage in which you are unable to communicate is a sham.
You are not doing anything wrong at all, definitely not.

xx51xx · 18/05/2014 21:49

OP mine used to threaten this whenever we had words. One day I snapped and said "go on then, do it". He has never mentioned the D word ever again. True Story!

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