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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

can't cope

39 replies

sb11adz · 18/05/2014 16:04

On Wednesday, my DP of 6 years ended our relationship by telephone. He is in the RAF and I would not be seeing him until next weekend but am I mad for thinking this is not how you treat other humans??

I have not been given a reason for this breakup, which has left me hysterical and unable to cope with day to day life. In short, he has broken me.

To put the icing on the cake, I tried texting him on Thursday night to ask if we could talk face to face at some point, as I feel this is the least I deserve after 6 years of commitment and love, in what I thought was a happy relationship. He did not reply, but a couple of minutes later I receive a phonecall from his MOTHER telling me not to text him at the moment because it was upsetting him too much?? I was speechless. bearing in mind this is a 27 year old man, I can't believe the way I am being treated. I have not heard from him since then.

I'm not sure whether I am posting this just to rant or for advice. I guess I just need to talk to people that aren't my friends or family.

OP posts:
Vivacia · 18/05/2014 16:13

I remember feeling very similar, including having his mother answer the phone and him refusing any contact with me. It was "too difficult for him". Of course, there was someone else despite his protestations at the time. I spent three days heartbroken, not eating and sobbing myself to sleep.

Then on the Saturday I woke up and had had enough of feeling sad. I don't think that I had any more anger or despair left in me.

Therefore, on this limited experience, my advice is to rant and cry as much as you like, but put a time limit on it.

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted · 18/05/2014 16:14

You're lucky he didn't end your relationship by text message. That's the way a lot of spineless jerks tend to do it nowadays.

I do understand why you want a sensible reason for the relationship ending and for it to be face-to-face but it wouldn't help and would likely make you even more unhappy than you are now. The usual reason is that he's probably met someone else. Would hearing that in his presence make it less painful for you? I very much doubt it.

His mother telling you that texting him was upsetting hm too much: those words were from his mother's mouth and not his. God only knows what he may have told her but hey, who fucking cares?

It's over. It's terribly painful. But as every day goes by it will be one tiny bit less painful than the day before.

cantbelievethisishppening · 18/05/2014 16:17

Meeting him will not help you at all. Maybe in time he will give you his reasons. I got an email six months after I was binned over the phone. You are at the start of a very painful process BUT you will be ok. I promise.

Original poster
sb11adz · 18/05/2014 16:23

I just dont understand how someone can go from wanting to marry you to total heartless cruelty.

OP posts:
cantbelievethisishppening · 18/05/2014 16:27

He may have checked out of the relationship a while back. It sounds like he may have met someone else. He is being incredibly cruel to you but trust me, in time that will help you move on. I was binned out of a seemingly happy relationship completely out of the blue. I thought I would die of a broken heart. I am now happily married to someone lovely. It is the not knowing why that is going to be difficult for you. Don't try and second guess him... It will drive you crazy.

Original poster
sb11adz · 18/05/2014 16:29

I know that I can get through, it just doesn't feel like it right now. I know I sound completely pathetic too. I shouldn't let it have so much of a hold over me.

OP posts:
cantbelievethisishppening · 18/05/2014 16:31

Sweetheart, you don't sound pathetic. Be kind to yourself. You have had a terrible shock. The next few days will be tough but make sure you eat and keep your strength up. Do you have any DC?

handfulofcottonbuds · 18/05/2014 16:31

cantbelieve is right and sadly you will never understand why he's treating you like this because you are a good person who wouldn't do this yourself.

Cry as much as you need, howl if you need to but look after yourself and try and eat little and often.

I'm so sorry you're going through this Thanks

Original poster
sb11adz · 18/05/2014 16:34

No children. I am 22 and we live apart. I have been trying to eat but bringing everything back up. I have a horrible sick feeling which is stopping me sleeping too well.

Your right, I am in complete shock. Especially as only last week we were making plans to do things this summer, and I had been going shopping with his mother for a dress for his sisters wedding.

It isn't right.

OP posts:
cantbelievethisishppening · 18/05/2014 16:38

Nope....it isn't right. People have such huge capacity to cause such pain and misery to each other. Do you have someone who you can call or who can be with you? Try to avoid alcohol as it will make you feel worse. Go non contact and take back a bit of control. One thing my ex said when he emailed me was how surprised he was that I didn't contact him after that day. It was fucking hard but trust me, going NC is so important right now.

Weathergames · 18/05/2014 16:39

Do you think he's met someone else?

My OH (Navy) did this very ubruptly and it turned out he was seeing someone else (we are now back together but it has been hideous).

Have a hug and my sympathies.

Original poster
sb11adz · 18/05/2014 16:41

I have my family but I am tired of talking to them about it. I have friends who I have been seeing but I don't like to rant too much to them, as I feel they will get sick of me and are all in happy relationships anyway.

I am going NC. If he decides he wants to talk, he knows where I am.

It feels like someone has died. I wish I was dead.

OP posts:
Original poster
sb11adz · 18/05/2014 16:42

I don't think there is anyone else, although I could be wrong.

OP posts:
Original poster
sb11adz · 18/05/2014 16:43

Thank you all for your kind words, it helps more to talk to a stranger sometimes.

OP posts:
Weathergames · 18/05/2014 16:45

When men do this there is normally an OW - I may be wrong and I hope I am.

No man is worth killing yourself over. There are THOUSANDS if them this guy is just one of them and if he can be this much of a prick maybe you have dodged a bullet?

Original poster
sb11adz · 18/05/2014 16:47

That was a silly thing to say. I didn't mean it. Time will tell. I'm just trying to focus on the fact that this time next month things will be clearer.

OP posts:
cantbelievethisishppening · 18/05/2014 16:48

I kept a journal and found it last year. I cringed when I read everything I had put in it re: the break up. I was utterly bereft and in a way it helped to write it all down. In the beginning I was filling pages every day but as time marched on I was writing less and less. Re: your friends... True friends will not mind you ranting. You are going to be ok. It is going to be hideous and you will feel awful but you WILL be ok.

Vivacia · 18/05/2014 16:49

I think it does feel like grief. You've not just lost him, you've lost the future you had planned too.

I'm afraid I also agree that people get tired of hearing about it very, very quickly. I don't blame them, I know I was a complete misery at the time (and no Internet Forums back then!).

Original poster
sb11adz · 18/05/2014 16:51

I have also lost a big chunk of my life. I saw him a lot, we had plans, we had a routine. Now there is a big empty hole which means I will be sitting at home, alone for a lot of my life from now.

OP posts:
Weathergames · 18/05/2014 16:52

My friends popped in constantly and we all amazing when I must have been a terrible bore - I agree that real friends don't mind.

It is utterly hideous but you WILL get through it. I wish I had gone NC as I was pathetic begging him to come back and emailing/texting constantly.

Bloody forces gives them a place to hide and not face the reality of what they have done too Sad.

Original poster
sb11adz · 18/05/2014 16:58

Your right, him being in the airforce and not being able to come home is giving him a cowards way out of talking to me. It's absolute fucking madness.

OP posts:
Weathergames · 18/05/2014 17:13

Yes our "heroes" Wink.

If it's any help when I finally did stop contacting him he took notice because the nosey fecker wanted to know what I was up to!

Original poster
sb11adz · 18/05/2014 17:18

Ha yeah. Celebrated for protecting our country but deep down they won't think twice about fucking you over...

I have work every week day and last week on Thursday and Friday it felt much easier to be in work and I found that I thought about it much less.

My family have been amazing tbh. Been taken to the hairdressers and out for dinner today and I feel like such a shit for still being upset when they are obviously making a big effort.

No contact is going to be the hardest thing I have ever done but I know I can get through.

I suffer from anxiety and mild depression, which is probably hindering me somewhat.

OP posts:
Weathergames · 18/05/2014 17:19

Give yourself a break - it's been a few DAYS.

Be kind to yourself.

cantbelievethisishppening · 18/05/2014 17:22

Every day you go NC is a big step in the right direction. You will gain strength for doing it. IF he texts you do not respond straight away. If you can leave it until the next day to respond.