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Original poster

Been so stupid!

28 replies

gentlydoesit89 · 18/05/2014 10:48

So I posted a couple of days ago about meeting a guy I'd been chatting with online for about a month. He eventually got in contact and we arranged times and such for Friday evening as I was working in his city and staying over.
He came to meet me after he'd finished work, about 9pm. And that's where my mistake comes in.. I invited him to meet me at the hotel- not the bar, but my room. He came up, we made idle chit chat literally long enough for him to remove his shoes and then we fell into bed. An hour later he left and I fell asleep.
I was travelling most of yesterday, but did pop him a text saying it had been nice to meet him and that I hoped he was having a nice day. He came back to me and asked if I'd enjoyed myself, asked how I was etc.
The majority of our conversations prior to Friday have happened in the evenings after we finish work, last night nothing. This morning nothing. I'm fighting with myself not to message him our usual 'good morning you, have a nice day' type thing as I'm sensible enough to know he's probably not going to speak to me again... but how did I let this happen? I feel a bit deflated as I thought we'd maybe meet for dinner or something but evidently he was only in it to get his end away.
Has anyone else had experience of ONS and how to handle the crazy feelings afterwards? Is there any way I could salvage what I've evidently messed up?

OP posts:
SodaFizz · 18/05/2014 10:54

Not sure why you'd want to salvage contact with a man who is ignoring you after sleeping with you. Best thing is to live and learn and swiftly move on

We all make mistakes and next time don't jump into bed with a man before the date has even begun if you want something more than a ONS

It can make you feel like shit but the feeling will pass. Onwards and upwards!

kalidanger · 18/05/2014 10:55

Golly. One night stands are for ONE NIGHT.

Or did you want fwb?

KidsDontThinkImCool · 18/05/2014 10:57

The crazy feelings are totally normal but please don't beat yourself up. You didn't 'mess anything up'! Even if you'd done things differntly - met in the bar for a drink/dinner/snog instead of ONS - if he was going to disappear then he was gong to disappear regardless. Write it off as an enjoyable night and a lesson to be learned for next time - not because there is anything wrong in what you did but because your not happy with the way it's making you feel after.

Spartak · 18/05/2014 10:58

Maybe as you invited him to meet you in your hotel room, he has assumed that you were only after a one night stand?

kalidanger · 18/05/2014 11:00

Sounds more like NSA than a ONS.

Sorry you feel bad, OP. It's not clear wether you want dating, fwb or NSA. Are you clear yourself? :)

AnotherSpinningFuckingRainbow · 18/05/2014 11:03

Check out the Baggage Reclaim blog, she speaks a lot about this kind of thing, primary focus for you would be men who disappear after sex. Some of it can be tough to read but I do recommend it.
Sorry this has happened to you, it is hurtful and hard not to take personally.

Lweji · 18/05/2014 11:06

Wait a minute, it has been one night when he didn't contact you and you are already thinking he's not into you?

Have you been in contact every single night?

You chose to have sex with him on the first meeting, but that doesn't still mean you are attached for life. Take it easy.

See if he gets in contact again first. There are lots of reasons he may not have contacted you last night, including going out with friends and getting plastered. And not knowing you expected him to get in touch that particular evening or that you hoped to meet for dinner.
Why didn't you make plans?

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted · 18/05/2014 11:10

You haven't been stupid, you've just made an error of judgement. Stupid is learning nothing from it and carrying on with the same behaviour.

Next time you meet a new man meet him for a drink or a meal and nothing else.

Some men think that if you are keen to have sex with them on the first meeting is how you always behave, and are therefore not girlfriend material, just a shag. And some men are just looking for a ONS no-strings-attached all along despite all the chat about the opposite.

FoxSticks · 18/05/2014 11:11

Poor you, I would feel crap too, you know you made a mistake in meeting in your room but I agree with another poster about trying to chalk it up to experience. Is it possible that he is in a relationship? It seems odd for him to go after an hour.

CocoM · 18/05/2014 11:21

Please never do this again. You didn't even know him just a version he had created. He could have been anyone. Don't worry about him not contacting you again just be glad you are ok. He probably does this a lot. If he had wanted to see you and have a relationship with you he would have visited you in your town or met half way and he would have wanted to get to know you more not took his shoes off presuming he was going to have sex.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 18/05/2014 11:21

How to deal with ONS feelings of having sold yourself a bit short? Give a large shrug of the shoulders, utter the words 'his loss' and move on. If you can't do the above and carry on without looking back, don't set yourself up for more ONS.... simple as that.

dingdongdoodlebug · 18/05/2014 11:29

Just sending a hug. Enjoy some sunshine and think happy thoughts. :)

Original poster
gentlydoesit89 · 18/05/2014 13:34

Thanks all. Just feeling a little surprised at myself for letting it happen.

OP posts:
cantbelievethisishppening · 18/05/2014 13:38

You met him in your hotel room..... Not the best move to make if you are looking for something to go beyond one night. Most of us have been there at some point. The feelings next day are pretty crap when it seems they drop off the face of the earth. Don't dwell on it and move on but I suggest you avoid situations like this in future. Apart from it being quite risky you are giving out all the wrong messages. The cycle is extremely destructive if not broken (trust me....I've been there)

SolidGoldBrass · 18/05/2014 13:42

You did nothing wrong. It's fine to meet a man for sex, enjoy it and move on. You have nothing to feel bad about. I hope the sex was fun.

Bindibach · 18/05/2014 13:53

Well its certainly not a good idea to meet a man you don't know and havnt met ever before alone in a hotel room. He could have done anything to her and no one would have known. You are always advised to meet in open places are you not. So that was wrong, really really wrong and you should put your own welfare first every time.

Vivacia · 18/05/2014 14:18

I'm a bit puzzled. If you'd wanted a meal with him, surely you would have met him in the dining room?

It sounds as though you both got what you wanted. I understand why you might be deflated now that the 'chase' is over.

Handywoman · 18/05/2014 14:29

Yeah it's a bit weird that you arranged to meet in your hotel room. Lesson learned I guess!

cantbelievethisishppening · 18/05/2014 14:33

I just don't understand this pre-occupation with constant texting prior to meeting that seems to go hand in hand with online dating. Am I missing something here? Based on what I have seen on MN It seems to be the norm for people to text incessantly before even they have even set eyes on each other in RL. Just setting yourselves up for disappointment when you do finally meet although am sure there are exceptions. Texting someone each morning 'good morning you, have a good day' when you haven't even met seems really odd. That said, each to their own I guess.

Viviennemary · 18/05/2014 14:41

It wasn't a good idea to meet him in your hotel room. However, it's easy to be wise in hindsight. We all make mistakes. Just put this behind you. But I am another one who doesn't understand this constant texting. And if he doesn't constantly text that means he's not interested. I don't think it does.

He might get in contact again. But don't keep texting him. And if he doesn't then it's just one of these things.

ThaneOfScunthorpe · 18/05/2014 14:57

You did nothing wrong. You probably would've fallen into bed whether you met him in the dining room, too.

I would just enjoy it for what it was and move on.

My only hesitation about meeting him in your hotel room is that he was a stranger.

WildBill · 18/05/2014 15:58

You haven't been stupid, maybe just out of the game for a while?
Inviting someone to your hotel room is a plain invite for sex. He left after an hour, didn't even stay the night.

Chalk it up to experience, learn from it and move on.

Original poster
gentlydoesit89 · 18/05/2014 16:51

I think the reality of the situation has knocked me a little. I am usually such a cynical person but I so desperately wanted to meet him it didn't cross my mind to meet downstairs. That is where my main stupidity lies I feel.
We've briefly texted today, small talk about what we're up to and a quick to and fro about books we'd recommend for summer reading, so I'm going to play it cool for a while and just chat for a bit to see where I stand.
I do appreciate everyone's input today.. Feeling like a real idiot, not a grown woman!!

OP posts:
MadBusLady · 18/05/2014 17:27

Well, that doesn't sound too bad. Maybe he's as surprised as you are by how fast things moved.

It was daft but it also agree with what a pp said, if he's a player he was always going to be a player no matter how long you "held out".

Icimoi · 18/05/2014 17:31

So he isn't ignoring you? Possibly not a ONS then.