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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

kick up the backside required, please!

33 replies

JanuaryKat · 17/05/2014 20:20

On monday I will be taking papers to the local court to get a 'preventative steps order'

This will mean, if granted, that there are restrictions regarding soon to be x h contact with the dc's. & hopefully there won't be a repeat of what happened a few weeks ago when he took the dc's on holiday abroad & delayed bringing them back.

It has taken me weeks to get the money together for this. But Im scared of going through with this.
H is making life very difficult - letting himself into the house all hours (owned jointly, but he does not live here).

Im feeling bullied. He ranted at me in front of the dc's about how useless I am a couple of days ago. The thing that really got to me was the look of hatred on his face.

I know he had been in the house last wednesday when I was out.

OP posts:
Original poster
JanuaryKat · 17/05/2014 20:24

The fear is that the nastiness will increase. It's bad now
I've increased my ADs & am not sleeping very well.

OP posts:
Chottie · 17/05/2014 20:27

Well done JanKat - I remember your previous post and the relief when your DC were safely back with you.

I'm sure there will be lots of advice for you regarding H entering the home. I didn't want to read and run. x.

RandomMess · 17/05/2014 20:27

Instead of kicking you up the backside can I offer you a hug and a hand hold whilst you go through with filing the papers?

RandomMess · 17/05/2014 20:28

When you are in your home leave your keys in the lock so he can't just let himself in.

I would seriously change the locks

Original poster
JanuaryKat · 17/05/2014 20:29

Thank you so much. It means a lot.

OP posts:
Original poster
JanuaryKat · 17/05/2014 20:32

I would, random, if I didnt have a teenage son!

OP posts:
heyday · 17/05/2014 22:10

This is a very unpleasant time for you. I really think you have to get the court orders in place even though things may well get a lot worse. You need to make it very clear, perhaps in writing, that if he wants anything from the house then you will arrange for him to be given it at a convenient time. It seems like a great idea to change the locks. It's difficult if the house is jointly owned so perhaps you need some legal advice as to what the position is here. I think you could be in for some tough times ahead. I wish you well.

Original poster
JanuaryKat · 18/05/2014 04:36

Thanks, heyday. There isn't anything in the house that is his (!?). I think he's just doing it to unnerve me & it's working.

OP posts:
Dewalt123 · 18/05/2014 04:46

You have rights and the law on your side. This order may give him the kick up the backside he requires to accept you the children and he has rights and it in your case will need a court to determine those. He is a bully end of

Original poster
JanuaryKat · 18/05/2014 05:32

Hopefully, Dewalt, but I don't think he will ever consider me or the DCs as autonomous human beings.

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heyday · 18/05/2014 06:52

When a relationship ends, it's quite shocking how quickly the love that was once there can suddenly turns to hatred in many cases. Once legal steps are in place to give clear boundaries in regards to his contact with his children, then you just must get those locks changed. Do you have any friends, neighbours etc who could give you a hand with it? You are never going to have any peace of mind until you do. I do hope you have some emotional support as things sound pretty tough for you right now.

Celynfour · 18/05/2014 07:09

I changed the locks on my marital home. I asked him for his keys and he told me he had lost them(all lies!). It is his sole house but he walked out to ow and children and I have lived here since.
It was foolhardy bravest thing I did but it gave me peace of my mind. He visits the children here everyday when he is in UK. I have also offered him 'access at times to suit him to look at his belongings'. I sent that in an email so if he takes me to court a judge will see he has always been able to come. My solicitor says there is a world of difference between a house and a home and you have a right to privacy and security.
He is incandescent with rage at me. Exploded and threatened me.
Write down every single thing that happens or he says.
I wish you all the strength to get through this .

Celynfour · 18/05/2014 07:13

Ps I feel bullied and loathed too
Change the locks. Even though it scared the life out of me and I am still waiting for the repercussions of a letter sent last week about his threats to break in and throw us all out, I still feel that maybe, just maybe I can regain some control if I can just stay strong.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 18/05/2014 09:22

I'd also suggest, as well as a preventative steps order, adding extra security measures... internal bolts, extra deadlocks etc. As said above, if you say that he can have access to collect belongings you can show you've made efforts to do things amicably. He's clearly not interested in being cooperative, prefers to make you anxious by invading your privacy and it'll increase your peace of mind.

Handywoman · 18/05/2014 14:52

Very sorry he is subjecting you to all this, nasty piece of work that he is.

I would urge you to write down absolutely everything he is doing and saying, all the occasions when he has gained entry to the property. Surely these measures of his are harrassment/intimidation/abustive to the kids (by subjecting you to torrents of abuse in their presence). What kind of father is this? Such an awful time for you but you will get through this and out the other side. Then you will be free Thanks

Original poster
JanuaryKat · 18/05/2014 15:15

No, no one close by heyday. No support. H disliked all my friends & I have only just started to get back in contact with a couple of them.

Celynfour I can so relate to 'house & home' comment. Our 'house' is certainly not a safe place at the moment ...

I did a charity run this morning. I usually take all my important documents with me everywhere (passports, financial info, diaries)(I have a large handbag!), but couldn't today, so locked it all in a wardrobe. I was out of the house for 5 hours & worried constantly as I had left the chuffing key on my desk!? (I think I'm a bit stressed).

Yes, Cogito & Handywoman I'm going to have to write it down, like I used to, then I stopped because I was so scared of h finding it.

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Celynfour · 18/05/2014 16:22

Do you have a car? When I am out I take all my paperwork in the car with me.
Do you have a solicitor? Could they keep passports etc for you?
No one should live like that. Please please please change the locks.....at least you can lock the door behind you.
I hated it when he still had keys. He was drinking a lot and so if he really had 'lost' the keys I had no idea which pub they had been lost in....
Keys gives me a teeny weeny bit of power ( tho he is likely to explode with high blood pressure)

Original poster
JanuaryKat · 18/05/2014 20:50

Yes, Celynfour I have a car but cannot drive it as tax disc due & I can't afford it.

He was here earlier. Because he buys food for us sometimes, I feel obliged to not complain when he lets himself in all hours. He stopped paying all other bills last year.

OP posts:
Original poster
JanuaryKat · 18/05/2014 21:21

I'm paying bills with credit cards. While h earns £100k plus pa & pays under £40 p week child maintenance. ((He's self employed & has a v creative accountant)

He eats out several times a week, has 4 or 5 holidays abroad a year.

I am at present trying to work out how to pay for DS school trips ( i thought h had paid, but no, & balance is due nxt wk!)

If I ask h to pay, the answer is always - if I wasn't such a bitch he would pay all the bills, but because I dared to have an opinion of my own he won't.

So, what to do - pay for school trips or pay for court order?

OP posts:
LBZT · 18/05/2014 21:23

Pay for the court order and talk to the school explain what is happening, schools can be very helpful in this sort of situation.

Celynfour · 18/05/2014 21:48

Pay for the court order.
Do you get tax credits? Found out that the county I'm in pats for a part of school trips for children that get free school meals (if they are going overnight)
Keep a record of everything he spends.
I didn't do this until I got a solicitors letter detailing two meals he had eaten here (out of dozens I might add) . In what context I've no idea! So now I have kept a record of the sausages he bought and the two loaves of bread etc etc
Petty nonsense.
All that aside you do have rights to PRIVACY.
Proper legal ones. I've allowed myself to be too accommodating and pushed and coerced.
I hope you can find the support that can help you find calm.

Original poster
JanuaryKat · 18/05/2014 21:52

Yes, you are right, I will focus on the court order.

Have also worked out h didn't pay school fees -owe 4k approx.

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Original poster
JanuaryKat · 19/05/2014 20:33

Done it. Not sure if I have done it right - took form & money to court. Not sure how long it takes I was struggling with little DS. He was screaming ( if he doesn't like where he is, he screams loudly)

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Celynfour · 19/05/2014 21:30

No one likes going to court!
Well done though. First step to peace of mind.

Original poster
JanuaryKat · 19/05/2014 22:11

Am exhausted with the lack of sleep. Would 6 tramadol be safe & ensure much needed sleep?

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