Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

how to ask him if he likes me

27 replies

ChickOnaMission · 16/05/2014 20:56

what shall I do, I've been seeing this guy on a very casual basis since january, basically no strings sex, I was very happy with that at first, but now I think I like him more than that. I don't want a proper relationship with him, but I do want to know if he has any feelings for me or if it's just sex. I just can't seem to find the right way to ask him without sounding needy or like I'm rushing things, i suppose I want to think of a dignified way of asking. He has given signs before that he does like me, the sex is incredibly intense and intimate we've had some lovely moments together and he got all emotional one evening before going home, (he had planned to go home that night anyway) and he sent me a text later saying he was getting really emotional while were cuddling and he had a lump in his throat and that was why he'd had to leave. last time we were together i told him i liked him but he just went quiet and i changed the subject, it was awkward, i want to text him and ask him how he does feel about me, at least if i ask him and he isn't interested i can start to move on.... but how shall i ask him? it sounds stupid but i just can't seem to find the words...

OP posts:
Smilesandpiles · 16/05/2014 21:05

" I don't want to do this casual shag thing anymore. Either we take this seriously or go our seperate ways. Think it over before you give me an answer"

MrWalletwithMothsonboard · 16/05/2014 21:14

It just seems so weird to be sharing such intimate moments and not have feelings in my view but I feel terribly old fashioned saying that.

Are you happy to continue with this level of connection or not, as that is what it boils down to. I have always thought that maybe six months is the right time to give something as it also is not wasting too much time either.

You are at five months now so I don't think it is wrong to ask what he wants from you and whether you can agree to his answer.

The text does sound like he does have feelings for you but you wont know unless you ask him. Give it a few more weeks and then get your courage up. Good luck.

Bindibach · 16/05/2014 21:14

Sounds like he could be married or in another relationship? Is that a possibility?

VanitasVanitatum · 16/05/2014 21:18

I agree with smiles just come out with it, and if you don't get the response you want, stop seeing him. You will only get hurt if you try and carry on the no strings.

Bindibach · 16/05/2014 21:21

Have you actually being going out and dating or has he just come to your house for sex?

Original poster
ChickOnaMission · 16/05/2014 21:21

no he's definitely not married! He lives at home, he's 28, I'm 35 and I've got 2 kids, i don't want a proper relationship with him, I'm not interested in meeting his friends, I don't want him to meet my kids, I haven't got time for a proper boyfriend, I'm a single mum and I'm studying and I work long hours, I like he fact we have lovely intimate nights together but I don't have to deal with any family issues, I'm only 9 months separated from my ex, we were 10 yrs married, I'm enjoying just having fun and I'm happy continuing with just the sex, but I'd feel happier knowing that he cared for me. But if do ask him and the answer is negative I'm back to depressing nights on pof talking to assholes, and he's lovely and cute and if i scare him off i'm left with nothing...

OP posts:
Original poster
ChickOnaMission · 16/05/2014 21:22

he comes here, I don't want to go out, I live in a small town adn don't want to bump into people, we watch tv, cook and have wonderful amazing sex

OP posts:
Bindibach · 16/05/2014 21:38

Have you been to his home? It just sounds a bit odd to me that you don't go out at all, ever. If that is the case he sounds like he is trying to hide you. You say you don't want a proper relationship but want to know if he likes you. I think you are already in quite deep feelings wise yourself. If he lives at home presumably with his parents then he should be free to want to have a bona fide relationship with you.

Original poster
ChickOnaMission · 16/05/2014 21:44

well we did meet up in a bar the first time! we met on pof, then I went away for 3 weeks and we texted every day, we did a yoga workshop together once, and went to a gig, I've been to outside his house when I've picked him up, I know he hasn't told his parents about me though, they're splitting up so he's also a bit preoccupied with that, he's told his sister, her reaction was 'oh my god' what are you doing' but she's young, 22, I'd have been worried at 22 if my big brother was going old with a divorcee with 2 kids! I really don't want to do outside stuff with him.. It's like we have a little bubble when we're together, it's escapism really

OP posts:
MyChildDoesntNeedSleep · 16/05/2014 21:44

I'd be a bit dubious about him saying he left that night because he was getting emotional so he had to leave. Who does that?!

Also, I don't think you're bring honest with yourself as you contradict yourself several times in your posts. I think you DO want a relationship, otherwise why would you give up a good thing to start trawling POF again if all you're after is a casual thing?

LividofLondon · 16/05/2014 21:47

If everything suits you what do you hope to achieve by asking him? If you like how he behaves isn't that the most important thing? If you wanted a serious relationship with him I think it would be right to ask, but you don't. Actions speak louder than words anyway.

I do know where you're coming from though as I'm in a similar situation myself and am curious to know what goes on in my man's head. But I decided that as what we have is perfect for me right now (he treats me like a GF anyway, just that when we met last year it was supposed to be casual), and that if he said anything other that "I adore you as much as I lust after you, Livid" it would completely change the dynamics. I simply don't want anything to change so I'm not going to ask. I'm living far more in the moment these days and I'm happier for it.

Original poster
ChickOnaMission · 16/05/2014 21:51

I think I want a relationship where we do just what I'm doing with this guy, no commitment to be part of each others lives apart from the nights we're together.

I don't like the thought of him not caring about me though, i think about him when we're not together, i look forward to his texts.

i'm worried about saying something and losing out on a good thing if i scare him away, it would feel like if i ask him do you like me more than sex and he says no I have to walk away, where I've kind of got what I want at the moment.

OP posts:
Vivacia · 16/05/2014 21:53

I'd say something very similar to this,

i don't want a proper relationship with him, I'm not interested in meeting his friends, I don't want him to meet my kids, I haven't got time for a proper boyfriend, I'm a single mum and I'm studying and I work long hours, I like he fact we have lovely intimate nights together but I don't have to deal with any family issues... I'm enjoying just having fun and I'm happy continuing with just the sex, but I'd feel happier knowing that he cared for me.

with a bit of "because I really care for you" thrown in.

Original poster
ChickOnaMission · 16/05/2014 21:54

i think you've hit the nail on the head Livid I'm just so curious! I am happy with how he behaves, I'm just dying to know what he's thinking

I do get the impression he just doesn't talk about his feelings, he's been really upset about his parents break up and isn't really expressing it

OP posts:
Original poster
ChickOnaMission · 16/05/2014 21:56

oh thats so funny, vivacia I can express myself on mumsnet but I can't bloody do it if I'm writing it to him!

OP posts:
Bindibach · 16/05/2014 21:58

I think you have fallen for him OP.

Original poster
ChickOnaMission · 16/05/2014 22:00

mmm i think so too, bindi thats why i really want to know what he's thinking and why i'm reluctant to ask in case the answer isn't what i'm hoping for

OP posts:
MrRedAndBlue · 16/05/2014 22:00

i'm not quite sure what the problem is. sounds like you have a relationship that many people would love to have.

so, you either like him more than you are letting, or really do just want to have your cake and eat it

LividofLondon · 16/05/2014 22:04

Mine doesn't really talk about his feelings either chick which is why I'm taking his actions as far more important (he admits to looking forward to visiting me even when he doesn't want sex) and concentrating on that. It sounds like your man is very fond of you. I mean, getting choked up when leaving doesn't suggest he's not bothered does it Smile

LividofLondon · 16/05/2014 22:07

I mean his actions are he's very affectionate, and his words are he admits to looking forward to visiting even when he's not remotely horny because he likes my company. It's good enough for me Smile

Original poster
ChickOnaMission · 16/05/2014 22:12

yes livid the whole getting choked up thing really threw me, we were lying in bed just cuddling & kissing for hours and listening to bloody regina spector and he made some comment about the music being really emotional, then the text about getting a lump in his throat was very unexpected. We have the most amazing intimate sex, we really do have an amazing connection, nothing like i've ever had before, maybe i should just keep my mouth shut for a bit longer, i think i need to play it a bit cooler than i am, i'm the kind of person who repies to texts immediately, he doesn't, it drives me crazy! He doesn't have a smart phone and is just not attached to his phone all the time like I am!

OP posts:
Bindibach · 16/05/2014 22:15

As you think you have fallen for him then you obviously want those feelings returned. That's not casual though and its not about sex. You care and want more. That's perfectly natural. You have told him how you feel so wait a few more weeks and see if he says something about his feelings to you. If he has feelings for you then he will definitely say something as this is now hanging over you. If he doesn't say anything and pretends as if it never happened then I would reconsider the situation.

MyChildDoesntNeedSleep · 16/05/2014 22:44

Or could it be an ego thing? You know...we have this great relationship and really good times...how dare he not have fallen for me yet?! Grin

Original poster
ChickOnaMission · 16/05/2014 22:45

mychild well, that's a good point. I am pretty amazing ;-)

OP posts:
Bindibach · 16/05/2014 22:55

Of course you are amazing so you deserve happiness and love and you do sound like you are a little in love. Give him some more time as I said.Smile