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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Male perspective needed

41 replies

Helpmethinkstraight · 16/05/2014 20:16

I have NC for this.

I have met someone from a company that my office has just started doing business with. We have established a jokey, teasing relationship and other than our banter talk mainly about work with a little bit about our families. He has two teenage children and talks about his Ex but doesn't seem to have a current partner. He knows that I am married but I have not discussed my husband or my marriage with him.

I REALLY like him and have a pretty dead marriage and only speak half a dozen words each day to husband.

I don't need to be judged or flamed but I do like this guy and I think that there is a connection. So my question for the men out there or those of you more experienced with this than me, is if he does like me will he make a move and how will I know if he likes me? Sorry that's two questions!

OP posts:
MrRedAndBlue · 16/05/2014 20:40

if he makes a move then you will know he likes you!

if he is single he may well make a move despite knowing you are married

if he is single and finds out that you are in a an unhappy marriage then there is an increased chance he will make a move

how you respond to any move is up to you

UtterFool · 16/05/2014 21:00

Personally I wouldn't make a move as you're married. I would express an interest but wouldn't do anything until you left your husband.

If he's a keeper then I'm sure he would do the same.

Original poster
Helpmethinkstraight · 16/05/2014 21:01

Thanks mrredandblue for your answer. Don't want to come over as desperate or too strongly but is there anything I can do to encourage him?

OP posts:
Original poster
Helpmethinkstraight · 16/05/2014 21:03

I know utter that resolving my marriage needs to be done but I just don't know how I express the interest and how I know if he feels the same. God I feel old and out of touch!

OP posts:
Adayinthelifeof · 16/05/2014 21:10

To be fair it sounds like you want the security of walking from one relationship straight into another. You don't want to leave your husband until you have another guy to take over.

Tell your husband you want to officially separate as it sounds like it's over. Then ask new guy out on a date.

Original poster
Helpmethinkstraight · 16/05/2014 21:14

You may be right aday . I know I have a lot of thinking and sorting to do. I just wanted some male perspective about how a man would see the situation from the other guy's view. If that makes sense!

OP posts:
Bindibach · 16/05/2014 21:19

Is there nothing you can do to rekindle your present relationship?

UtterFool · 16/05/2014 21:29

Well you could just ask him if he fancies a drink. This would almost force the issue. The trouble is, you could end up having an affair very quickly!

If he's got any morals then he'll wait and work through your separation.

MrRedAndBlue · 16/05/2014 21:32

if you really do want the other guy to make a move then dropping (less than) subtle hints about your marriage is probably the easiest way - if this new guy is very interested in you he may well 'justify' his actions by convincing himself that he is rescuing you.

Either way, you need to decide what you want. A quick shag on the side? A long-drawn out affair? To leave your husband?

Somewhere along the line at least one person is going to end up being hurt - you, your husband or this new guy. Quite possibly all three of you.

Eminorsustained · 16/05/2014 21:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Eminorsustained · 16/05/2014 21:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

UtterFool · 16/05/2014 21:40

Well one person would always get hurt by virtue of a partner leaving. Whether all three is down to how this is dealt with.

I was the love interest of a wife in an almost identical scenario. I waited but only so i could see if she was serious about leaving her husband. She left him and so my conscience was clear when we eventually got together.

Adayinthelifeof · 16/05/2014 22:21

I personally wouldn't have an issue seeing a married woman providing she'd said it was over but I wouldn't be too keen if you were just hedging your bets. I'd need to be seeing positive steps towards separating. Otherwise it's likely he'd just see you as an occasional shag.

Original poster
Helpmethinkstraight · 17/05/2014 07:17

Thank you for all your honesty. I need to do some serious thinking and need to be fair to everyone. I know that if things move on then we will all probably end up hurt which won't be right.

I am not sure what I want and need to make sure that I am just not feeling flattered about receiving male attention when I haven't had any for years.

I do like this guy but don't want to look like an idiot if I have got it wrong as I will have to carry on working with him for a while yet.

OP posts:
BillyBanter · 17/05/2014 07:33

If you want to leave your marriage then you should do so regardless of whether there is someone waiting in the wings or not. Its not fair to your DH to let him live in ignorance until you find a replacement.

Maybe it just seems more exciting than the day to day of a marriage or maybe this is the kick up the arse you need to leave a dead marriage. Sort out what you want in regard to your marriage first.

UtterFool · 17/05/2014 07:54

All the best OP

It's not easy making these kinds of decisions so hope it all works out.

TFPsa · 17/05/2014 08:11

Based on your description it's one of the following.

1 - he's a flirtatious person, tho not really invested at all;
2 - he's interested in developing an emotional affair;
3 - he's invested in a physical affair; or
4 - he's interested in a relationship.

Hope this helps.

BadLad · 17/05/2014 08:18

Nowadays I wouldn't make a move because I wouldn't go and encourage you to cheat on your husband.

When I was younger and hadn't been married myself, I would have taken the attitude that your marriage was none of my responsibility, but the fact that you were married meant you were likely to rebuff any advances from men. So I wouldn't have tried, in case I got turned down.

Nobody can know if he will make a move or not if he likes you.

ForalltheSaints · 17/05/2014 08:24

I suspect that under TFPsa's categories he is a 1. He enjoys interesting conversation as part of his job. Just enjoy the chat as it makes the work day more interesting.

Original poster
Helpmethinkstraight · 17/05/2014 08:49

Thanks your honest comments and messages are just what I need. I have only known him 4 weeks and other than superficially I know very little about what sort of person he might be. So he may well be a number 1 on TFPsa's list and I m sounding like a complete cow!

OP posts:
japanesejean · 17/05/2014 09:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MadBusLady · 17/05/2014 09:38

Four weeks?

Oh, seriously, this isn't a flaming as such, but I'm embarrassed for you. Have a word with yourself. Take control of your own destiny and decide what to do about your dead marriage. Don't hang around desperately waiting for other people/events to sweep you along - because desperate is the word that springs to mind unfortunately.

suitsyousir · 17/05/2014 09:47

Putting aside any issues regarding your marriage, if it were me you would need to blatantly tell me you were interested or I wouldn't have a clue.

I met my DP through her sister as I used to babysit for her children. DP used to constantly pop in when I was babysitting to "check on the kids" and oftenmade a comment about having forgot to put her bra on. It was her way of dropping hints, but it all went over my head!

RollerCola · 17/05/2014 11:17

Sorry, I'm not a man but just thought I'd give you my view anyway.

For me, a man who makes a move on a woman knowing she is married, however unhappily, is a man who may think it's ok to start multiple relationships himself.

Ie. If he then started a relationship with me he might also think it was ok to make moves on other woman at the same time.

I wouldn't even expect him to make a move on me while I was married because it would make me not trust him in the future.

End your marriage. THEN think about how to get together with him.

MadeMan · 17/05/2014 12:01

I tease and flirt with women but I don't necessarily want to shag them all; a lot of the time it's just for fun.

Occasionally I purposely flirt more outrageously with women that I know are married or have partners, because I assume they definitely won't take me seriously and so it's a safe way to be cheeky without anyone second guessing motives or getting the wrong idea.

Messing around and teasing people for me is often just a way of brightening up boring worklife or whatever and sometimes I don't want the aggro of thinking about all the, "She said this so does it mean she likes me?" and "She slapped me on the arm so maybe I should ask her out". Sometimes I just want to muck about and have a laugh with nothing serious intended.