Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I'm 44, and I've wasted 10 years on H

29 replies

PPaka · 16/05/2014 18:25

I did love him, but it's been a nightmare for the last 5 years. He's a pathological liar
I'm trying hard to be positive
But I just feel so cheated
I'm a good person, friendly open and loving

I am never going to have another relationship, the thought makes me want to vomit

How did I fuck it all up?

OP posts:
Melonbreath · 16/05/2014 18:26

You didn't. He did.

Original poster
PPaka · 16/05/2014 18:26

I don't meanfuck up the marriage, he did that. Fucking around with whores and spending all the money in cocaine

I mean fuck my life up

OP posts:
Jan45 · 16/05/2014 18:29

But you didn't fuck it up, you can't control what others do, even the ones that supposedly love us, they can hurt us the most and do, just have a read on here.

Any addict will invariably put their habit before you, it's a miserable existence and nothing changes.

You won't think it now but you now have the chance to lead the life you want, not the one you were forced to by an inconsiderate selfish twat.

HaveAGander · 16/05/2014 18:29

We all make mistakes. There's still time to rectify it. Don't waste any more time with him.

kaizen · 16/05/2014 18:30

You haven't fucked it up - I spent 10 years with someone and then finished it at 44. Take your time, and well done for getting shut of him.

kaizen · 16/05/2014 18:31

Sorry - I thought you had got rid of him Blush

Angelto5 · 16/05/2014 18:32

You are a kind,considerate person & probably try 2 see the best in people.

Original poster
PPaka · 16/05/2014 18:32

I do see that, that's what I mean about being positive
I could get everything sorted, ds and I could be happy
But I just need to get through this nightmare

OP posts:
kaizen · 16/05/2014 18:33

What do you need to sort? I know it can seem like a mountain.

Original poster
PPaka · 16/05/2014 18:34

Kaizen- we have separated, but for various reasons he's still in the house
And his mum is, well dying, I guess

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 16/05/2014 18:34

Are you still with him ?

Original poster
PPaka · 16/05/2014 18:36

I just need to get him out

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 16/05/2014 18:36

Ah, cross post. So, 10 years wasted. How many more ?

Original poster
PPaka · 16/05/2014 18:36

No-I'm not with him

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 16/05/2014 18:38

Divorce him. His mother dying is unfortunate, but that has nothing to do with your marriage.

AnyFucker · 16/05/2014 18:40

PP, you have been posting about this piece of shit for months. Divorce him, there is no other way forward. Unless you fancy another 10 years of thid.

Fontella · 16/05/2014 18:45

You haven't fucked your life up - you just did what a lot of us did it and got ourselves hooked up with the wrong bloke. We didn't see it at the time because we're all loved up and love can do funny things to people - making us see the objects of our affection through the love goggles, and making us behave in ways we would never normally behave, put up with things we would never normally put up with and overlooking things we would never normally miss.

Fucking up your life is staying with them once the love goggles come off - and we see them for what they really are.

As a species we are conditioned to find partners and have relationships and believe in happily ever afters, but there's a whole lot of out here who are discovering that having a relationship isn't the be all and end all and there are a lot of advantages to the single life. I'm ten times happier now than I ever was when I had a bloke, and I was 43 with a 4 year old and a 6 year old, no money, no job, bugger all, when I finally got shot of my pathological liar (amongst other things).

You haven't fucked up. He has.

Original poster
PPaka · 16/05/2014 18:45

AF- divorce is not that easy with no funds and an abusive husband
Thanks
I have no one to talk to about this
It's not that straightforward

OP posts:
Original poster
PPaka · 16/05/2014 18:47

Not everything is as cut and dried as you think it is

I didn't even intend to talk about him, I haven't for a while
I wanted to walk about me

OP posts:
LavenderGreen14 · 16/05/2014 18:48

If there is domestic abuse you may qualify for legal aid - have you sought help from Women's Aid, GP or any other agencies?

Blueuggboots · 16/05/2014 18:49

Who's name is on the deeds? Are you on benefits and entitled to help with the cost of the divorce?
If he's abusive, throw him out and change the locks.

Original poster
PPaka · 16/05/2014 18:51

No legal aid as I have a rental property
I have seen a solicitor, which quite quickly ate up all the funds I have
If I start divorce proceedings he will never answer one letter, never produce anything, he is behind with taxes anyway, minefield
It will be a nightmare and a very costly one

OP posts:
Original poster
PPaka · 16/05/2014 18:54

No benefits, no legal aid
Joint mortgage

He has finally come around to the idea of moving out, it's only taken 6 months

He'll be away next week for 3 weeks, so that's something

His mums illness has been an issue as he has had to visit her, pay for flights, accom etc.

OP posts:
LavenderGreen14 · 16/05/2014 18:57

but you can get legal aid if there is abuse can't you?

Original poster
PPaka · 16/05/2014 19:16

No, not if you have savings, shares or property over £8000

OP posts: