where do I go from here ...

[Dewalt123]

Hi I am single dad of two finding myself in a situation that I am totally not prepared for. One year ago almost to the day I met a lady online, for the first month we just talked either on line messaging or after a couple of weeks on the phone. A month after we first met we decided to meet face to face. Had coffee went for a walk and ended passionately kissing ...we just really clicked as a couple. On the third date she drops a bomb shell, she is still living with her partner of 15 years, telling there is no love only a boring exsistance no sex life just hi and goodbye . She cannot afford to split, no savings worried she could be left single etc.

For my part we continue to see each other, our relationship becomes sexual and more serious. After about 4 months we both decided that we want us to have more together for a variety of reasons we both decided to give it a year and then make permanent plans we see each other probably once a week and talk every evening. A month ago she was confronted by her 12 year old daughter who used her phone and saw a text message from me. Confronted by her daughter she decided to tell her the truth and admit to an affair with me and told of our plans i.e. moving in together over the school summer holidays. Her daughter says she understands and even thought it might occur. Thinking that this positive daughter says she would like to meet me , both of us are ok with this and we arrange a neutral venue . Had a fab introduction and daughter even says she is comfortable with me etc.

Next day I get a text daughter has broken down in tears she feels guilty for meeting me and not telling her father I realise this puts a whole perspective on things for the first time we row as one of the things that upset her was how i kissed my girlfriend goodbye. Since that meeting last sunday week she hasnt really spoken has been illusive and not made contact with me. I feel like saying have time but just want to know if we have a future. A womansview on this sorry mess is so very welcome

why the heck did you both decide that you should meet the daughter straight away? it was too much too soon for her. She probably now have told her father as she couldn't hide it. Complete mess. Your gf should haev left first, after talking to her partner soon after daughter saw the text , then introduce daughter after they split.

And yes, you shouldn't have passionately kissed gf in front of (still shocked really, even if she guessed) daughter. Insensitive!

If she had a husband, you wculd be named as an affair partner in divorce and would be paying legal costs btw. So be thankful that it is not a marriage. Other than that, no doubt they are having a breakdown of the family and you can't interfere much until it settles. Let's hope her P is not a vengeful type!

Your girlfriend isn't a nice person. She is cheating on her DH and justifying it with terrible excuses. But much worse than this, she is involving an impressionable, vulnerable 12yo girl, who cannot possibly understand the true gravity of her family's situation and is already being emotionally damaged by this situation.

Ouch!!!!!! On all levels - ouch! What a thing to do to a young girl. Unbelievable. Your 'p' is cheating on her partner and you are colluding in the most abominable way.

really shocked that you thought any of this was a good idea. incredibly poor judgement, from beginning to end.

This woman has behaved so so badly towards her poor child, never mind her poor H.

She will only do to you what she's now doing to her H.

OP, break it off. I would say it's a disaster waiting to happen, but actually, it's already a disaster.

What you both are unintentionally asking/demanding is wrong - which is putting a young girl in the middle of your affair and essentionally keeping a massive secret from her dad, who she loves, and is now in a situation where she knows her dad will eventually get her. It was wrong for both of you to do this especially while her mother is prentending to carry on a normal life with her family. Her vunerable world has been turned upside down.

IMO, I think you should talk to your girlfriend (if you can call her that) or even send her a text explaining to her that what you both did was wrong and would be for the best, for now, that she concrentrate on her daughter and her family; leave or stay.

I think it's also unfair to let yourself settle into the role of the "other man". Especially when you have children yourself. I think you should back off for a while. She has to decide whether you are worth leaving her "safe" family for, and you have to decide whether you are perfectly happy to have a relationship with her of she decides not to leave. She always have options, she's just making excuses i.e finances, being left with "nothing".

Personally, I would walk away from this car crash situation

1. You thought your "girlfriend" was single. As it turns out, she has a family, obligations and that will not change. Whats more she has a daughter who needs her to focus on her, not you.

1. She is a cheat, she has done it once, she can do it again, to you next time

1. Her 15 year relationship is empty, sexless etc etc. well she would say that wouldnt she....

Sorry, nothing I have said is positive, I probably cant think of one good reason to keep this going, and as for dragging her 12 year old DD into it, what was she thinking of!!!?!

Thanks for the advice everyone, some taken some not ...its funny as much as I try to be a decent bloke and modern man even, entering the bear pit of a mums forum ! I realise that men are from mars. My plan over the weekend is to talk to her and see where we go.

Just want to say thanks to multiple mama whilst the truth is often hard to face sometimes we chicken it so to speak - yours is the observation that I find resembles the situation.

Your poor kids.

What an absolute car crash

You know that the line "our marriage is a sham, sexless, over, for convenience" etc is the oldest lie in the book? You know that don't you? And you have fallen for it. Lots of people do. Because everyone in an affair thinks they are different and special and not subject to the cliches.

It would seem that your "GF" was happy to have her cake and eat it, but at the very first sniff of reality hitting the fan, she's backed off.

I think that tells you everything you need to know

You need to walk away now before you cause any more hurt and are hurt more yourself.

Well "bit out of practice" I couldn't disagree with you more as I was in a relationship that was as described the only saving grace is I refused to cheat on my wife. We gave it a try some relationships last some don't. Mine didn't but I don't think anyless of GF for not jumping out of her fire and into my pan.

However we have spoken and I will see her next week the problem is I kissed as in " peck on lips" and put my arm round her in front of her daughter it was this that has caused the issue ... I realise it was insensitive now ... Typical male

Don't excuse your own bad behaviour choices with crap like 'typical man' or saying men are from Mars. These are just bullshit things that people say to try to excuse men they behave badly. It's got nothing to do with you being male. You've been thoughtless towards an impressionable girl; have the decency to own that instead of hiding behind meaningless clichés.

Congratulations dewalt on having a marriage that actually made the cliche true.

Come on. You weren't born yesterday. You must know how many married men use the line "my wife doesn't understand me" to know that that is just what it is. A line to reel in an unsuspecting victim and to make themselves feel better about their shabby behaviour

It seems the same line has been used on you.

But quite clearly you have completely signed up for the history rewrite that your "GF" has spun to you (You do know she's not your GF - she's somebody's wife that you're having an affair with)

The problem isn't the peck onthe cheek that you gave her. The problem is that you are in up to your neck with someone else's wife, who has no intention of leaving her husband for you. And, worse, you have dragged an innocent kid into the mire.

You need to start to face up to what you've done. Not sugar coating it. Not minimising. Not denying. Facing the cold hard truth.

Sorry, I'm not usually so harsh but your attempts at self justification make my stomach turn even more than the infidelity itself

I thank everyone for their opinions one thing this post has done is give me people's perspective and given me lots to think about . A deep part of my brain believes when push comes to shove she will freeze and not go through it.

I know we click , get on and could be a couple or is that just rose tinted spectacles David I thank you the truth is sometimes something we rather would avoid.

" Her daughter says she understands and even thought it might occur"

Translation: "OMG! Noooo! How could she! Fuck! What do I do? What do I say? I know I'll pretend I'm cool with it because I don't want to upset mum".

Sorry but no 12 yr old girl is going to be OK with her mum cheating on her dad. And the non-12 year olds in this relationship should have been a bit more sensible.

I know. The truth is often hard to face but it is time to take off those rose tinted specs.

Listen to what she has to say (I bet it's a lot cooler than you expect) but importantly, also "listen" to what she does. because whatshe has done so far is bolt at the first sign of trouble

Blended families are bloomin' hard work.
You just be a couple. There are many more people involved in this than just the 2 of you.
Those rose tinted specs will be falling from your face very fast.
And remember, 50% of blended families (something like that anyway) don't survive!

It goes a lot easier in life when you stop thinking with your genitals.

You both sound more immature than the 12 year old, well done for being the OM and well done for fucking up the poor girl's head.

Yes I'm the other man ...do I like, No I hate it but I have fallen for someone who may be I cannot have or won't have or maybe this will work out ok

For clarity I'm the dad of two but I only see them I don't live with them sorry for any confusion

I appreciate that the weight of the opinion is like a North Korean ballot box ...if nothing else I respect people and their beliefs and views it's partly whilst I do the job I do but I either live with millions of others not to utopian island or some people have very easy lives

These things never end well.

I cannot understand what the hell was going through your mind at the point you and her decided to implicate a CHILD in your deceit. That man is her father and she bloody loves him.

Very, very selfish. At the point of her seeing the text was the time the wife should have done the correct thing and owned up to her actions but no, she decided to take the path you describe above.

She really ought to unburden the child. That is a whole other crime aside from the affair.

Bloody grow up the pair of you.

Morally bankrupt springs to mind!

I just can't believe the child is still expected to carry the secret.

So you have both involved a 12 year old child.... Most admirable.
Perhaps this will give you a bit of a wake up call:
My xh was having an affair. While I was oblivious, my oldest child was aware. She was forced to keep the secret.
It has irrevocably damaged my relationship with her. She feels tremendous guilt about it which 11 years later she still cannot discuss. I will never forgive her father for doing that to her and me.

I so hope the OP hasn't responded because he's off seeing this woman while that poor girl is trying to deal with all of the shit they've landed on her....

Briefly saw lady in question yesterday, whoever pointed it out to me she was going to be cool towards me today was dead right. Gf is genuinely worried about daughter who hasn't spoken about it since the day after I met her this is getting to gf and I have no answers... gf worries about her having to hold on to this secret. To be honest im so confused myself normally I have a view one way or another but this has me beaten.

To be clear irrespective of peoples views gf massively cares for her daughter thats clear she has always said she come first and I respect this.

The moment her daughter saw that text was a game changer, I don't subscribe to the notion of me having any right in refusing to meet the daughter she had the right to demand it for a variety of reasons whether she can cope with it or not is to my mind irrelevant . I am of the view the daughter has the right to demand everything even to the point of saying stop seeing me (once she has met me)

Gf has said several times she (The daughter) is very aware of the issues at home and when she became aware of me actually spent considerable time discussing with her mother the relationship between mother and father. The daughter is very aware that her parents relationship is no existent

I'm most definitively not sugar coating this we have been found out and her daughter has every right to know the truth of the whole situation The most stupid thing we could have done is deny the situation or her right to right to meet me. Where we go from here who knows I have a day off during the week and im am hoping to sort this out..unlikely I fear

You are both adults who, up until now,have been enjoying a secret, exciting affair. You are free to have relationships, she, however, is not. I feel so sorry for this very young girl who is on the cusp of puberty and all the turmoil that brings let alone the huge burden that has now been put upon her young shoulders. If you really like this woman and feel that she genuinely likes you then the best thing you can do is to back right off and let her sort out her life. Doubt she wants to leave her hubby until she is sure she is getting a better deal elsewhere. It's a mess, there are people here who are getting hurt. Proceed with great care.