where do I go from here ...

[Dewalt123]

Hi I am single dad of two finding myself in a situation that I am totally not prepared for. One year ago almost to the day I met a lady online, for the first month we just talked either on line messaging or after a couple of weeks on the phone. A month after we first met we decided to meet face to face. Had coffee went for a walk and ended passionately kissing ...we just really clicked as a couple. On the third date she drops a bomb shell, she is still living with her partner of 15 years, telling there is no love only a boring exsistance no sex life just hi and goodbye . She cannot afford to split, no savings worried she could be left single etc.

For my part we continue to see each other, our relationship becomes sexual and more serious. After about 4 months we both decided that we want us to have more together for a variety of reasons we both decided to give it a year and then make permanent plans we see each other probably once a week and talk every evening. A month ago she was confronted by her 12 year old daughter who used her phone and saw a text message from me. Confronted by her daughter she decided to tell her the truth and admit to an affair with me and told of our plans i.e. moving in together over the school summer holidays. Her daughter says she understands and even thought it might occur. Thinking that this positive daughter says she would like to meet me , both of us are ok with this and we arrange a neutral venue . Had a fab introduction and daughter even says she is comfortable with me etc.

Next day I get a text daughter has broken down in tears she feels guilty for meeting me and not telling her father I realise this puts a whole perspective on things for the first time we row as one of the things that upset her was how i kissed my girlfriend goodbye. Since that meeting last sunday week she hasnt really spoken has been illusive and not made contact with me. I feel like saying have time but just want to know if we have a future. A womansview on this sorry mess is so very welcome

OP - do you really want this woman around your own children?

She's a liar, a cheat, manipulative, selfish. She thinks nothing of dragging her own daughter into this sordid situation (what kind of mother does that?) and yet you are happy to keep pursuing this relationship.

There is no way I would be letting anyone like this have an influence in my children's lives - so why are you trying to positively encourage it?

Dewalt. I have so many issues with what you have written I don't know where to start.

First, for clarity, you say "some people have very easy lives". You know nothing about my life. But for the record, I am not pulling these opinions out of my arse. They are based on my own bitter life experiences. I don't live on "some utopian island"

Then you say you have "fallen" for this woman. That makes it sound like you had no control over it. You did. You consciously decided to continue seeing her after you knew she was married. You do realise every person who has an affair believes their love to be special. That they had no choice because they were swept along by their special love. It was meant to be. Fate. But of course that's a big load of self justifying bollocks. You need to take responsibility for your actions and your part in this.

As for what you have to say about the daughter. I am aghast. It's not about her rights. It's not about making it all ok by discussing this adult mess with her. It's not about treating her like an adult confidente, complicit in your lies. She is a CHILD. have you any idea how this could completely mess her up? Potentially for the rest of her life? The damage it will do to her relationship with both of her parents. And how it will screw up her view of men and relationships. All as she is right in the middle of puberty. You two selfish pricks could be doing lasting emotional and psychological damage to that child. I am so angry about that.

Now for you and her. I said she would be cool. Hear this dewalt. She is not going to leave her husband and she will use "I love my daughter too much" as an excuse. She's already laying the ground for that isn't she? But she was never going to leave. You must have realised that by her reaction when her dd found out.

You need to wake up and smell the coffee and take responsibility for the mess you've made. You need to walk away now. As much for your own sake as anyone else's. And your gf need s to grow up, and start parenting her daughter responsibly. Not making her the third wheel in her mess of a relationship.

I'll try not to repeat what others have said but add a different perspective. This woman is using you. Whether she's frustrated in her marriage, in need of excitement or simply in need of a big old ego-boost I can't say. Whatever it is you represent, it is probably not love. You're lonely, she's reckless and I think you're going to get very badly hurt as a result.

Sorry, Davidarcher is me. NC

With regards to The daughter demanding to meet you; you say you had no right to refuse. I call "bollocks". This is a 12 year old child who could have no idea of the potential emotional fallout of meeting her mother's affair partner. It was your duty and her mother's duty, to make the right decision for her. Neither of you protected her. You were both too busy in your fantasy, hoping that she would adore you and think you were great.

There was no way that meeting was ever going to end well for her. Saying "she has a right to demand" with regards to anything, is giving a child an enormous weight of responsibility.

An adult says "no, that would not be the right thing to do", and if the child is angry, the adult deals with the consequences of their actions.

You have torn this child's home apart and caused her untold pain. No matter how unaffectionate the marriage, she will not want her parents separated. You have been enormously cruel, as has her mother.