Struggling to move on after IVF and dh feels I gave up too easily trying for dc2

[agreentreegrowing]

I have fertility issues which mean I couldn't get pg naturally but we managed to conceive dd after a couple of years of trying on our first IVF round. Then I did 1 more fresh cycles and 3 frozen ones (easier but still lots of drugs) plus one other cancelled cycle. This all included two (early at least) miscarriages including a hospital overnight stay, mild OHSS and lots and lots of clinic visits/ meds, rollercoaster stuff etc.

After the above, I couldn't do it any more. I was grateful for my dd. She was getting older and never showed any signs of longing for a sibling. I didn't long for another baby but dh did want one.

I struggled through the treatment cycles and found it hard. Dh was not very supportive - no hugs, no it'll be ok and if I felt negative he said I should be excited to be doing it. I wasn't. It was sh*t. Think he thought I moaned too much.

In the end we had a batch of frozen embryos. At this stage our relationship was not good really. We went to see the consultant in a last ditch discussion attempt and he said that we could try natural (no drugs) cycles but by this stage I just couldn't. Our relationship isn't good enough to have a new baby. Too much water under the bridge. Other problems. Resentment.

But the problem is it seems that now dh still resents me for making this decision not to keep trying. We were arguing recently about something else to do with a decision and he said that I had changed the course of the rest of his life by deciding we couldn't have more children.

I replied that infertility in part decided that and I didn't choose to be infertile.

Is there any way we can get beyond this? Other things aren't great - e.g. not had sex for years.

I do understand where he is coming from but I couldn't keep trying on and on. We had originally said we would do 3 full cycles before we had dd. I feel the above was equivalent to that fwiw.

Counselling is not an option - we tried that a few years ago and dh hated it.

Sorry but I think your DH is being horrible. You haven't given up easily - you've been through a lot or turmoil and traumatic events to get to the stage where you felt you couldn't try any more. Nobody would make that decision lightly.

Could you maybe try telling him that you are unhappy and go somewhere neutral to talk about it? It's something that works for me and my DH - being in public makes you really think about what you want to say and how best to say it.

If it's a case that he just won't listen then I don't have much advice sorry. We are going through the hell of ttc with fertility problems at the moment and I don't think a relationship can survive it unless you are strong and both want it equally

I also think your DH is being horrible. He's not really the one having the treatment, is he, the drugs, etc.

And ultimately, whether you are trying for a child naturally, or by IVF, if one person feels they don't want to try any more, that's it, the second person should not try to push them into doing something they don't want to do.

I obviously think he is being unfair too but it is reassuring to hear others' views.

I AM a bit of a negative quitter if I'm honest but he was not at all supportive in my view during the treatment and it was not exactly easy.

We have such a different mindset. No way was I going to feel excited after the previous tries.

It is a couple of years after our last try so the fact this is still on his mind and causing resentment is worrying me. If he had been the one with fertility issues it would have been 'our' problem but to him it is most definitely mine it is clear.

Handbag - sorry to hear you are dealing with infertility. I hope that you get a positive result soon. It's not easy.

Hi Agreen... why is fertility definitely your problem? Do you know that for sure?

It shouldn't matter (but I know somehow that it does).

I had DD without intervention but then couldn't get pregnant again. Got SO fed up having sex! Went through two unsuccessful rounds of IVF and it was a roller coaster of emotions/ drugs / disappointment. MY husband at the time wanted to try again but respected my wishes to drop it. I just couldn't go through all the drugs and disappointment again.

Men don't realise what havoc all those drugs play with women's bodies and he should try to understand a bit more about how much more physically invested you have been in the process than he has.

Of course, you have to also understand that he has no control over this and that is what is probably making him unreasonable. Men have to understand that they sometimes can't fix everything. Unfortunately, that is what they appear programmed to do. Try to understand where he is coming from in that sense. If you've explained all that to him and he's still behaving this way, then I think you have deeper issues.

I'm so sorry it didn't work for you. IVF is such a traumatic thing to go through when it fails and fails. Best wishes.

BTW, all those years of constant sex for the sake of trying for baby were very detrimental to our marriage. He is now my ex. (but we are still good friends!)

Vagabond, yes it is absolutely that I have a physical issue that means I can't get pg naturally.

I'm sorry you went through that too.

I feel fortunate to have one dc I thought I might not have so can't feel sad about not having more. In fact feeling like that meant I did not have the drive to do more treatment that dh had.

Dh is obviously hurt and disappointed still and has said at one time that I am punishing him by not doing more tx and having the chance of more children because he wasn't supportive enough due to being the person he is. He doesn't make it sound as self indulgent as I have made it sound there though!

It all feels horribly complicated. I don't think he has ever accepted quite how difficult IVF is. Sometimes he says but other people do 5 full cycles or whatever. I am not other people. Maybe they were more desperate for another baby.

It is absolutely not going to happen now but unless he moves on, I can't see how he can stop resenting me and that resentment is affecting our relationship more broadly.

Just curious (and you don't have to answer) but how were you able to have one DC and not another?

My 'reason' is that I had a very traumatic birth with DD and I had an infection after an emergency CC which caused my tubes to fuse completely.

In a way, I suppose that my "horrible birth" and two unsuccessful rounds of IVF gave me enough reason to say "I"VE HAD ENOUGH". And PS: can we NEVER have sex again!

I'm never one to say God's will, but in this case, between me and whichever god, I've made my peace with it. I will NEVER forget those horrible days after all that treatment hoping to be pregnant and it never working out. It crushes you.

Your husband will never understand that feeling. He will absolutely have to accept how you feel or I'm afraid that you, rather than him, will be the one to feel the resentment.

Dc was an ivf baby. I wouldn't have been able to conceive naturally.

Sorry to hear about your traumatic birth and the problems it has caused.

Wow, you've really been through the ringer. Give yourself a break and make peace with it. If your husband can accept that, then great. If not, then you will have to lead him out of this fugue.

He is going to have to get over it and accept your feelings. He has no dominion over your body.

That's the thing it was quite a whole ago now and I have made peace with it all so it was a surprise to find out dh hadn't and clearly is very resentful towards my decision not to continue further treatment. To him he figures it's a natural frozen cycle so what's so hard now. Yet I have done a natural cycle before and it ended up with meds (intra muscular injections that are not pleasant) and still the whole rollercaster effect and then it didn't work so it is not as simple as a few trips down to the clinic.

Agreen..... so sorry for you. I wish I could put him in your shoes. He'd decide the same as you.

It's a control thing - he can't control it and has no power. I pity him for wanting something so much that he can't control. It's a no-win situation unless he accepts it's over for IVF for you.

BTW, are you getting this free or on the NHS? I have no qualms with this but we were living abroad at the time so our cycles were costing £10,000 a shot. Although I don't think it was the money why we didn't continue - just couldn't face it anymore. When my frozen embryos died before implantation the second time (and I was in my hospital gown in the pre-op room, dying for a wee - literally dying for a wee!) and I was told to dress again, my heart broke and I knew I would never go through IVF again and my chances of another baby were gone for good.

Never had such a good pee in my life but I cried buckets through it.

OP, your DH sounds bloody awful. It's your body.

I had 12 yrs of infertility, one abandoned attempt at IUI due to OHSS, a hysterosalpinagram (sp?) and a laparoscopy and that did me in. I'd had enough and we ended up adopting.

I wasn't even brave enough for one round of IVF.

What do you get out of the relationship/marriage now?

Oh Vagabond that's so sad about the embryos. It is all incredibly hard.
Dh is very, very, very (I'll add another very...) rational so for him he doesn't see what can be difficult. It's simply a case of rocking up at the clinic and a few injections right? Erm NO!

I remember during one of the transfers I was quite uncomfortable and the nurse had to tell him to hold my hand. Not that unusual I suppose as there was a lot going on but it typifies him.

There have been a lot of stirrups for us all by the sounds of it over the years. Youaremyrain - the hysterosalping thingy - is that the one where the dye is squirted in? I have had a couple of those and one was fine and the other was very crampy.
There's another example with all these little procedures, dh would never ask how it went or seem to compute that they are unpleasant. Again, the idea that I was meant to be excited seemed ridiculous.

Gosh a big yes to the relief when you get to do the wee afterwards though haha.

Yy to the idea he can't control it. He is a very successful man and used to being able to control most things I suppose. So for example at one stage he said well if you don't want to go through it, we'll just get a surrogate as if that was a magic solution.

I have been made to feel I have let him down and weak somehow as I should toughen up and do it again because hey other people do.

Vagabond, money wasn't an issue fortunately. Did wince a bit when the clinic once sent a summary of our 'lifetime' spend with them though! Also quite funny as when they call you to see the nurse or doc they have your file there and mine was much thicker than everyone else's because I'd been on the case so long!

I really feel for you agreentree.

I was diagnosed with severe endometriosis when trying for No2 and ended up going through 2 major surgeries and 6 months of injections to put me into premature menopause to try to clear it up enough to allow me to ttc, not to mention the awful pain I was in when I had a period.

I have to say I was almost on the point of walking out. I'd been through a horrendous period, in so much pain that I was throwing up as I couldn't keep my meds down, whilst DH was off on a lads walking weekend. He just didn't get it at all and I had just felt that my body had been through enough. I was getting older and was also worried, if I did get pregnant, about the risk of abnormalities and my inability to cope with that and the likely lack of support I would get from DH.

Thank God he had a chat with his friend that weekend who basically told him to be grateful for what he had. Didn't stop him 6 months later having a wobble when I got the baby clothes out to give to a friend, but I guess I will have to forgive him for that.

I can't imagine how women manage to keep on going whilst enduring fertility procedures. Someone who was working for me was TTC through IVF at the age of 43 and I could tell when she was going through the procedures as the quality of her work completely plummeted - unfortunately she was a contractor so couldn't take time off ( not that you really can anyway as it's a choice thing).

If you want to say stop then you have every right to do so. I am angry with him for what he said to you - about choosing not to have any more children, what a hateful ridiculous thing to say.

I don't know what age you are, but could it be an option to say to him that you want to take a break for 6 months from all of this and have couples counselling, then re-evaluate at the end of that.

Rookie, sorry to hear this too. So many of us. Endo sounds so difficult - friend had similar to you with it quite severely :(

I'm afraid it's non-negotiable - it will not be happening again. I've moved on and can't face going back. I never want to set foot in the clinic again and our relationship is no way strong enough for treatment, never mind having a newborn. The idea is laughable in fact it's so bad. He reckons if we did this he would lose his negative feelings and presumably thinks all would be rosy. Well it wouldn't be. We haven't had sex for years for a start so I feel like I must be very unattractive to him and having a pregnancy/ baby wouldn't help with my self esteem would it?

More than that, DD is settled and older so the age gap would be huge now, and I'm getting on a bit (although if we really wanted to that wouldn't be insurmountable with frozen embryos but still causes complications).

He refuses to have counseling again. I know that's because the last one (Relate so not some random person) told him things that he didn't agree with.

It is a couple of years since our last cycle by the way.

"I am punishing him by not doing more tx and having the chance of more children because he wasn't supportive enough due to being the person he is."

I think this is a really shitty comment to make and displays a lack of self-awareness on your husband's part. The only way he can relate to your unwillingness to undergo more fertility treatments is to make it all about him and how you're doing this TO him.

And that line about that just being who he is bollocks, frankly. He wasn't supportive at all and you can't explain that away with 'That's just how I am.' He's basically saying that he isn't going to offer support and that's how it is, fin.

He can obviously see that he was rubbish during your fertility treatments, but he doesn't seem to be all that sorry about it. It seems like he wants another child but won't make any changes to himself and his behaviour. You can't have it both ways: want someone to go through gruelling fertility treatment but make no effort yourself.

I think you sound very sensible. It is really hard to make the decision to stop treatment because your brain often tells you 'maybe next time it will work'. The fact that you have made that decision and are happy with it is great.

I think it can be very hard for partners to understand how incredibly hard the process is, emotionally, physically etc. However, in your shoes I would be angry that he is willing to put you through this process again even though you have explained it is too hard. You are not a baby-making machine.

I know you have said that your husband wouldn't be up for counselling but one experience shouldn't put him off the whole range of services that are available. It's funny that he is willing to put you through medical intervention that could be detrimental to your mental and physical wellbeing yet he cannot sit through a counselling session because he doesn't 'agree' with it.

I hate to say it but perhaps it is time to evaluate your relationship in terms of whether there is a future together?

He sounds very unsympathetic. His role in all this has been to have a less than ideal vvank. Yours has been countless tests and treatments, hormones messing with your body and mental state and painful procedures. How can he not get that you have been through so much?

I am finally pregnant (after our 4th round of IVF) and have said I won't be doing this again. We had both originally said we wanted 2 children, but fertility treatment took over our lives for years and I have just had enough. If and when we have a child, I want us to be able to enjoy our time with that child.

You say that your relationship isn't in the right place to have a child anyway, so perhaps focus on that rather than the fertility treatment?

Euro - very glad to hear it has working out for you in the end. Very sensible to call it a day now.

VERY good point about him expecting me to do all that for him but he can't even manage a bit of counselling.

He makes out it is all me being...me me me me and negative. Other people cope and do lots of cycles, it's only a frozen unmedicated one now so what's the big deal etc.

Frankly our relationship is f*ed. This situation is at the heart of it but there is more to it too around lack of empathy and being very different.

I wonder though if I should attempt, in the interests of fairness, to say what he would say as you are only getting my side and we can see if there's anything in it.

So he would say I am very negative and have a no can do approach to lots of things. I set unrealistic ideals of how he should support me he'd say. He has been dealt this hand and I am not making the effort to try harder given it is me with the issue (yep he has actually said that). Oh this is not working is it. Ok...there is still nothing here to make his view ok is there!!!

BTW, my IVF cycles were 2 mild and 2 natural because I couldn't hack the drugs. So I fully sympathise. IVF is pretty gruelling.

Reading everything about him, I'm not sure why you are still with this man?

Ha nor am I and nor are my closest friends.

The thing is e.g. today we went for lunch together and had a perfectly nice chat generally and then I start thinking, well it's not so bad but then when anything bad/ difficult happens it falls apart.

My natural cycles ended up medicated anyway after a certain stage as I needed injections of progesterone (I think it was that - can't remember now) which were intra muscular and worse than the proper cycle ones which I didn't really mind!

Agreentree I'm sorry things are so bad. You sound lovely and your H sounds horrible. I can totally understand why you have closed the door on trying for another DC with his attitude as well as all the other fertility issues.

If he won't go to counselling, why don't you go on your own.

agreen, I have to say, the more i read the more it seems the second baby isnt the issue. Fertility treatment is awful and you are completely within your rights to say no more. The issue is clearly your husband and his pov.

He said to you " Other people cope and do lots of cycles, it's only a frozen unmedicated one now so what's the big deal etc "
That may be true, but other people feel that their husbands understand what they;re going through and provide support. And other people can have children without treatment. That has absolutely nothing to do with your situation! I got on your behalf reading that.

I second maybe getting some counselling for yourself. Reading your posts I have the horrible feeling that this issue will be brought up over and over by your husband so getting yourself feeling confident in your decision and in a position to say so clearly and firmly cant be bad thing

The thing is e.g. today we went for lunch together and had a perfectly nice chat generally

I went for lunch with two guys I know today and we had a nice chat too. It's hardly the same as being married. It really is not the point if you can get on some of the time when there is no pressure. Are you pulling in the same direction when things get tough, is the real question. And you clearly aren't.