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Original poster

Golden rules of platonic friendship for married people?

40 replies

manifest0 · 15/05/2014 21:37

I am in my mid 30's, married and one of my closest friends is a man I met though work about 10 years ago. He is also married, back when we met we were both unmarried as yet but with our current partners.

If we have admitted had we been single we probably would have got together but we both agree it was better that we were not as we would make a horrible romantic / life partnership. We had a great time together in our 20's clubbing, staying up all night talking, getting up to all kinds of crazy stuff. We slept in the same bed a couple of times but nothing ever happened between us, not even a kiss.

I am sure his wife and my husband had their concerns at the start about what was going on but they are used to us now. I love him to bits and I feel we are proof that men and women can be friends, even best friends without sex getting in the way. However you I think it can't ever be the same as being friends with a woman.

My number one thing is that while its ok for either of us to have a bit of a gripe and grumble about our spouses to each other from time to time but its best we don't really talk too much in that way and to avoid doing it at the same time as that sort of creates a little oasis with just us two outside either of our marriages and thats dangerous. The closest we ever came to having "romantic" type feelings for each other was early on in our friendship when we were both fighting with our partners and talking about it too each other.

What are you golden rules of maintaining a close platonic freindship with a member of the opposite sex without it developing into anything more?

OP posts:

lougle · 15/05/2014 21:48

I may be flamed but I don't think you can and anyone who thinks they can is in denial.

MeltedLolly · 15/05/2014 21:52

What are you golden rules of maintaining a close platonic freindship with a member of the opposite sex without it developing into anything more?

For me, the same as they are for same sex friendships. I don't gripe and grumble to my female friends about my husband, so I wouldn't with a male friend either. Maybe I just don't see the issue. I don't have different rules for different sex friends. For me boundaries are boundaries. If I wouldn't discuss it with my husband in earshot, then I don't discuss it period.

I can also say I wouldn't be delighted to find out my husband griped and grumbled to his friends about me. It just sounds all quite childish. If he has an issue he should come to me, and vice versa.

BrunoBrookesDinedAlone · 15/05/2014 21:55

I have plenty of very close platonic male friends...

...and all of them are close friends with my DH too.

I'd see that as normal - close friends are in your life, part of your whole life-not just acquaintances. I'd expect anyone who became a close friend to get to know my DH well too simply by becoming part of my life.

That doesn't mean that I don't spend time alone with male friends - but it would be natural, never deliberate. It would always be a case of the more the merrier.

Sure, there have been plenty of times when I've ended up gossiping for hours over a pint with one of our male friends. Against a general background like the one I've described above, that has never been a problem.

The same goes for DH and our female friends.

LeBearPolar · 15/05/2014 22:02

My male friend and I never discuss our marriages. We are friends as a four anyway, so all of us know each other well, but he and I have to work quite closely together and have become good friends as a result of that. But we chat about mundane stuff: the kids, work, music, books, etc. Never anything very emotional and never marriage stuff.

lougle - he and I have been friends for about eight years now and have managed not to fall into bed with each other yet. But then I've never subscribed to this weird belief (very prevalent on MN) that if one of you has a vagina and the other has a penis, it's practically a law that you must shag I often wonder how bisexuals survive being so very lonely, not allowed to have any friends at all.

LaurieFairyCake · 15/05/2014 22:03

I have 3 very close male friends. I agree that I would never complain about my relationship with my dh with them - but I wouldn't with my female friends.

I know that they all had romantic feelings for me but that's 30 years ago in one case and none of them have ever mentioned it since.

Obviously they all really like my dh though.

Dh would never be 'threatened' in any way by my friendship with anyone - that's not how we are.

wheresthelight · 15/05/2014 22:14

i have several very close friends who are male, nothing ever remotely sexual ever between us or inkling towards it.

like other posters, i don't distinguish with rules for male/female friends, i don't whinge about my partner to anyone other than my very best friend and only ever then about stuff i have whinged to my partner about already or am planning to discuss with him in the immediate future and just need reassurance that i am not insane etc :)

i think if you feel you need to have rules in order to be friends with this man then you are kidding yourself that there is not more to the feelings than you are saying.

lougle · 15/05/2014 22:14

LeBearPolar you are talking about a different kind of close friendship than the OP, though. You avoid intimate subjects.

I have male mutual friends who I would discuss all those things with, but like you, wouldn't talk intimately with you.

The OP implied that their relationship had a more exclusive tone to it.

Happyringo · 16/05/2014 05:42

Of course it's perfectly possible to have platonic friendships with the opposite sex.

But OP I don't think your friendship is platonic, as you've said right at the start of your post that if you didn't have partners you probably would have had sex by now. To me that suggests you do have sexual feelings for each other. I have no issue at all with my DH having female friends but I don't think id be so keen if I thought they really wanted to be having sex. Do your partners know that's how you feel?

MrsTerryPratchett · 16/05/2014 06:13

I have a few very old, dear, male friends. A couple of things I have noticed. One, I am invariably friends with men I don't find attractive physically and would NEVER go out with if I didn't know them as friends. For example, one's a bit of an Eeyore. Great friend but five minutes of living with it would drive me spare.

Interestingly, one of the friends' wives is a best mate, one doesn't like me at all.

meringue33 · 16/05/2014 06:22

Yeah I think not fancying each other is the main golden rule!

Meerka · 16/05/2014 10:26

platonic friendships? hm. if there is genuinely no attraction, then well, it's easy :)

If it's a friendship-with-attraction-but-you're-never-going-to-do-anything, I have found that the golden rule is twofold: decide absolutely firmly that you're not going to do anything, a conscious and considered decision.

Then don't let yourself get into the situation where you are tempted to break that decision. It means that that are some things you avoid - getting too drunk together, for one thing. Being careful not to let off steam when husband has been particularly DOH. Actually for me and my close male friend, part of it has been tactfully talking about the attraction and making it clear that well, the walls were up and would not come down. Over time it is becoming easier for us both as we have been determined not to cross lines that can't be uncrossed.

My husband knows we are close friends and was not happy at first. But he trusts me and is much calmer about it now. Im very glad husband is not fundamentally the jealous type and that he trusts me like that. It is part of why I absolutely do not want to do anything actually. To break his trust would be unforgiveable.

Of course, husband has the same right too - to go away on his own for a week, and indeed he's planning that soon.

what also helped was that I like and respect the Friend very much, as he does me (at least I think so! :) ), and if we crossed the line, the friendship would be ruined. I don't want to loose my husband, nor the Friend either, and likely the Friend wouldnt be able to live with himself if the family broke up. Very different relationships but not hopping into bed is well worth the self- restraint. I WANT to behave myself and not hurt my husband, so I've got the motivation to keep my self in check. Its a bit me me me, maybe, but so be it.

Im sure some people won't believe me when I say that it's possible to be friends with someone you're very attrracted to and -still- behave yourself, but that's their lookout.

sarinka · 16/05/2014 18:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MrsTerryPratchett · 16/05/2014 18:34

Yes, Meerka does your DH know about those conversations? The time one of my friends told me he had held a candle for me for years, I told my DH.

ManWithNoName · 16/05/2014 18:42

You do not keep ANYTHING secret about your friendship with your spouse. The minute you start wanting to keep something secret from your spouse that is wrong.

Me and DW share an email address. We share virtually all our male/female friends. We do have one or two friends of the opposite sex who the other person does not know well and hardly ever meets but they are more like colleagues than friends in that respect.

Meerka · 16/05/2014 18:44

Yes ofc I told my husband everything.

arsenaltilidie · 16/05/2014 18:46

You do know that man is in love with you.

AnyFucker · 16/05/2014 18:50

Meerka, what you describe sounds like an emotional affair to me

All done in plain sight. I feel a bit sorry for your husband.

AintNobodyHereButUsKittens · 16/05/2014 18:51

Rule 1: Don't shag them
Rule 2: errrrr

Meerka · 16/05/2014 18:55

Well im sorry but I dont think you can get everything from one person in a marriage.

I also think that it's rare to find anyone, male or female, whom you really strike a chord with - I've got about 3 in my life and feel quite fortunate. If it was a question of either my husband or the friend, I'd choose my husband and father of my children without a moment's doubt.

I find it a bit sad that people can't be friends, good friends, without closing the door on any attraction (male or female actually) and simply enjoying each other's company.

ManWithNoName · 16/05/2014 19:16

meerka - you are going down a very dangerous road.

Marriage includes a vow of "forsaking all others".

For me it is absolute.

lougle · 16/05/2014 19:18

"I find it a bit sad that people can't be friends, good friends, without closing the door on any attraction (male or female actually) and simply enjoying each other's company."

I suppose that depends on whether you believe in monogamy. I don't think my affections should be directed at anyone but my DH. That means that, for me, if I had even the faintest attraction to another man I'd give him a very wide berth because I love and respect my husband and our relationship enough to never, ever, want to risk it.

I also think that an affair doesn't have to be two sided to be a betrayal. For me (and I do mean for me - other people may draw their own lines in the sand) being attracted to another man and dwelling my thoughts on that attraction would be as bad as engaging in an affair with him. Similarly, I'd be heartbroken if my DH was thinking about another woman romantically, regardless of whether she reciprocated in feelings or deeds.

Backinthering · 16/05/2014 19:25

Meerka I think you're taking the piss out of your DH.

Meerka · 16/05/2014 19:35

hm, i rather suspected that things would be misinterpreted when I posted in the first place.

1). I made a conscious deliberate decision to be with my husband and I'm keeping to it.

I am a grown adult and I know my own mind.
I've been friends with people before who developed an attraction. Sure you can know it's there but it has to be kept in check or else the friendship ends. For both the friend and me, the friendship is more important than any physical attraction and it simply is not worth throwing away liking and enjoyment in each other's company for a barrel of explosives that'll burn five people my husband and two sons, him himself and me.
attraction fades especially if you are absolutely determined not to fan the flames. We've been friends what, 6 years now and it was hard at first but it's notably easier now.

Like with certain other friends, I hope we'll be friends for many years to come. it simply is not worth throwing away that friendship for a fire that would hurt so many others.

I have not and do not let my thoughts dwell on him physically. Otherwise it'd be feeding the fire, not starving it.
avoiding anyone you are attracted to is kind of a tall order. There are friendships where there is no attraction, but rather more where on one side or the other there's a spark (not necessarily reciprocated, either). I believe that what matters is what you decide to do about that spark.

As it happens I believe in anything between (truely) consenting involved adults. An affair would involve my husband and hurt him. Therefore no.

For the record, my husband and I also have an older male friend with no family at all left of his own. Husband also walked a bit stiff legged around him at first, specially as we'd owned a house together (as friends, not partners) and known each other 20 years. Now the older friend is very much a dear part of the family and spends christmas with us and usually comes to stay every 4 months or so for a week. If I should pop my clogs, I know that this older friend and my husband would stay in touch. I dunno. maybe therés a knack for slightly off-the-beaten-track friendships somewhere with us shrugs

Meerka · 16/05/2014 19:46

meh, I just find attraction that you feel that frankly would screw up your own life and several other peoples' something of a damn nuisance and don't intend to give it any house room. That's my conscious decision.

All I could offer was friendship-with-restraint. Had the friend found the situation intolerable then it would have been a shame, but so be it.

badbaldingballerina123 · 16/05/2014 21:20

I'm with lougle.

Meerka your male friend is what is commonly known as a beta orbiter , hanging around on the side lines hoping to get a chance someday. I couldn't and wouldn't put up with this sort of thing.

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