Golden rules of platonic friendship for married people?

[manifest0]

I am in my mid 30's, married and one of my closest friends is a man I met though work about 10 years ago. He is also married, back when we met we were both unmarried as yet but with our current partners.

If we have admitted had we been single we probably would have got together but we both agree it was better that we were not as we would make a horrible romantic / life partnership. We had a great time together in our 20's clubbing, staying up all night talking, getting up to all kinds of crazy stuff. We slept in the same bed a couple of times but nothing ever happened between us, not even a kiss.

I am sure his wife and my husband had their concerns at the start about what was going on but they are used to us now. I love him to bits and I feel we are proof that men and women can be friends, even best friends without sex getting in the way. However you I think it can't ever be the same as being friends with a woman.

My number one thing is that while its ok for either of us to have a bit of a gripe and grumble about our spouses to each other from time to time but its best we don't really talk too much in that way and to avoid doing it at the same time as that sort of creates a little oasis with just us two outside either of our marriages and thats dangerous. The closest we ever came to having "romantic" type feelings for each other was early on in our friendship when we were both fighting with our partners and talking about it too each other.

What are you golden rules of maintaining a close platonic freindship with a member of the opposite sex without it developing into anything more?

well I do disagree, knowing him. I truly don't think he would move on a married person. Several annoying people have tried it in the past (what is it about some men trying it on with taken women :s ok I know the answer to that but it still pisses me off big style).

But it's not something that I can convince anyone else of over the internet =)

Fair enough that everyone has their own views, but as the OP asked, what golden rules do other people have for maintaining a close platonic friendship with someone without it developing into anythign more?

For me it wouldn't matter that he might be honorable enough not to make a move. That he had feeling for me that I was aware of would be enough to make my friendship with him at the very least 'arms' length'.

Many people think they're the smart one who can have it all ways. The situation you describe is like a frog being slowly boiled to death because it can't sense gradual changes in water temperature.

As I said, the fire's going out not burning hotter.

anyway, as I also said, people are going to believe what they want to and I've not got much to add, so I'll bow out now

Be interested in other people's views on the golden rules from the OP's post.

You fancy him though, OP, otherwise you wouldn't say you would've got it together but for your other halves. Therefore that dangerous other layer is already there, and that's why you need all these 'rules'. I don't fancy any of my same sex friends.

My oldest friend is male. Golden rule is not to snog or shag them - that's pretty much it. It doesn't have to be some angsty complicated bollocks - just have a friendship that happens to be with a man.

I think it depends on the individual friendships.

With male friends that are purely platonic I don’t really worry about ‘rules’ and treat them as I do my female friends. If there is a spark/attraction there, (and i think you generally know if there is whether acknowledged or not) you obviously have to be more careful as I think there is a fairly fine line between friendship/emotional affair in that situation.

I guess i’d think of the ‘rules’ as not getting too close, not discussing intimate things or negative things about my partner, not putting myself in a situation where something physical would be likely to happen (like drinking with them)

I’m single but have taken a step back from friendships with attached guys before where i’ve felt things may be getting too close - things like excessive contact, flirting, personal conversations, lots of one on one time etc. In those situations I don’t think I did anything wrong but felt a shift in the friendship and if I honestly answered ‘if he was my dp and behaving like this with another woman would I be ok with it?’ the answer would be no.

Meerka I think discussing your attraction for your married female friend is definitely making a move. Goes without saying I presume this conversation didn't occur in front of your husband.

I can't grasp why you allow him to piss on your husband like this. I'd have zero respect for the male friend.

I am a 53 yr old male. I am have been married for 27 years.

I have a platonic female friend who I have been close to for 32 years.

We have shared a (very small) house together many years ago.
We have been on several shared interest trips where we have shared a ( very small) tent.
I enjoy her company and physically fancy her to bits.
She has put me up on occasions when my wife and I have have major relationship issues and I have needed a place to go.
People have commented on our friendship posing questions such as ' is she my concubine'.
She has spent every family Xmas with us for the last six years.
She has spent most of the last birthdays , both hers and mine with me and others.
We have recently gone on several short holidays with her and her partner.
I go to exersise classes with her.

I have never shagged her or kissed her.

Should we? Or is it entirely possible to maintain a purely platonic friendship?

I don't think it counts as a platonic friendship if you fancy each other TBH. It's either a flirtation or a full-blown EA.

You don't need to be having sex with someone to disrespect your partner.

An emotional affair is fairly easy to spot - when you're apart you think about the other person all the time, in a way you wouldn't ever do of a (assuming hetero) same sex friend. Cut of all ties if you get into that position, otherwise it sounds fine. Ways to lessen the risk of this happening include not making stuff about just the Terri of you, e.g. try to do stuff in groups, with other people present, etc.

Flippsy that's a long-term emotional affair. No wonder you and your wife have major relationship issues.

I think it's nigh on impossible to do if there is a physical attraction - even if only one person feels it. If an attraction starts to develop then the friendship needs to be cooled for a bit.

Flipsy I've known several people over the years with a friendship such as you outline and every single friendship has become a marriage when the primary marriage fails - it's more of a waiting in the wings scenario.....

Good link - remember that many affairs begin as a friendship - all it takes is a few crossed boundaries...

This is interesting, I think you're all being a bit unreasonable to Meerka; she had done nothing to betray her husband, has quite solid convictions about it, and has been a grown-up in recognising her own potential attraction to someone else - a side-effect to being human - and put in constructive pre-emptive boundaries to prevent anything from happening. I think that is respectful to her husband and savvier than people glibly falling into hot water with someone by refusing to acknowledge (to themselves at least) that the friendship has the potential to be more than that.

It is tricky to go through life cutting out everyone with whom there might be a bit of sexual tension.

I personally struggle to make purely platonic relationships with men work, I have grown up around lots of women and few men so am perhaps not used to or comfortable with them - I can't quite get beyond the fact that at least one of us could or does fancy the other one (or, irrationally, wanting him to find me attractive - cue lots of insecurity diagnoses!), which is actually quite frustrating. I would be happier if I felt I had some measured control over such scenarios a la Meerka and able to just enjoy the friendship.

As for all this emotional affair business - there are no Thought Police, we are not robots, a bit of daydreaming doesn't hurt anyone, it is whether you act on it that matters - and I include acting differently with your own partner or family even if you don't act physically with the friend.

I think if 'emotional affair' by lots of people's definitions was a real thing then everyone I have ever known, worked with etc has had one. When you are in a long term, even happy and fulfilled, relationship your eye and mind can wander - so long as nothing else wanders I don't see the problem, and I don't think realistically you can expect this never to happen to yourself or your partner. As a species, we are built to procreate widely just like other animals

Oh God, the Shirley Glass quiz again. I think we just need a permanent link to that from MN, it gets linked so often.

AndSheRose - fantastic post and so refreshing to read amidst all the EA hysteria that gets peddled on MN.