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Relationships

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Original poster

What do you do if your libido totally disappears

31 replies

libidogo · 15/05/2014 17:02

My dp and I are having terrible problems because I have no sex drive at all. It's not of my choosing and I don't know what to do about it. I went to the doctors a while ago and they thought it was stress. It's a vicious circle because the more we argue the less I want intimacy and so it goes. Dp says that being initimate with me is very important to him and that he loves me and wants to do it. I struggle because I just have no libido at all. I know that's the problem and not just him because I do not want to masturbate etc. Never think about sex. I have become sexless. I have always suffered from depression and am non anti-depressants all the time. I have felt really low lately with all the arguments and I am not almost paranoid about any mention of sex.

What can I do? I am at my wit's end trying to resolve this.

OP posts:

Original poster

libidogo · 15/05/2014 17:02

I'm also around the menopausal age so maybe it's that.

OP posts:

CogitoErgoSometimes · 15/05/2014 17:08

He argues with you about intimacy? Or about other things?

Original poster

libidogo · 15/05/2014 17:10

It's mostly about intimacy. He feels horribly rejected and hurt. We have had some really bad rows over time and they have left a mark on me I think. I'm not sure. I don't have a very good relationship track record tbh.

OP posts:

SolidGoldBrass · 15/05/2014 17:11

Well, it may be. It's also the case that if your partner is constantly waving his cock at you, sulking and tantrumming when you don't immediately open your legs, then your libido has very little hope of recovery. It's actually a normal, healthy, sane response to feel no sexual desire for someone who is being unpleasant to you.

What else is going on in your relationship? Has something changed recently? was sex ever really good with your DP (another libido-killer is that a lot of men are basically crap at sex, and because it's all about them getting their dicks wet, the woman goes from not minding too much when he wants a go to gradally-increasing resentment at the number of times she's supposed to lie there waiting for him to get it over with.)

CogitoErgoSometimes · 15/05/2014 17:15

He's a complete idiot. Tell you what... tell him to go down the local pub this Saturday night and try to convince a woman to sleep with him by arguing with her.... See how far he gets. I'm not surprised you've retreated into your shell. It sounds thoroughly horrible and demeaning.

However rejected and hurt he feels, if you're ever going to feel warm and fuzzy enough towards him (or anyone else for that matter) to have sex, you have to be feeling relaxed, happy, confident, attractive etc. Not browbeaten.

Original poster

libidogo · 15/05/2014 17:24

We argue about it because he is so hurt which I understand. Sex was always really good and he is always telling me how attractive I am and how much he wants me. It has become such an enormous issue I am desperate to sort it but don't know how. He is great around the house too and is very attentive. I think it really is my problem due to stuff in my background. I am almost verging on phobic about it all now.

OP posts:

passingobserver · 15/05/2014 17:38

I think this is a little unfair. He hurt and feels rejected. He is not a "complete idiot' nor is he necessarily 'waving his cock' at anyone or 'tantruming' (that is not what OP actually said).

Were it the other way round you'd mooting porn addiction or an affair and prescribing LTB.

If we can accept the shocking idea that men are people too and have feelings (some are even rumoured to lack self esteem and question their attractiveness, a fanciful claim I know), I would suggest the best thing to do would be to let him know exactly what the situation is rather than avoiding it. I very much doubt he is upset over a physical act, I could imagine he is very upset about what he imagines the emotional reasons are. I think its reasonable to think most people would understand the situation and feel reassured if you offer reassurance, if he doesn't then that it is an issue perhaps.

The thing is, when it turns into something unmentionable, avoidance etc. then the reason it feels like rejection is because at that point, it actually is emotional rejection as well as physical rejection.

PipkinsPal · 15/05/2014 17:40

I remember telling a Doctor many years ago about low libido. She suggested we relax with a bottle of wine. I told her wine makes my husband randy and makes me fall asleep.

I think low libido is down to the relationship you are actually in. If it is not loving and right then I believe your body sort of shuts down.

Original poster

libidogo · 15/05/2014 17:41

Passing, I guess I am rejecting him and he does lack self esteem. My main question is what do I actually do if I have no sex drive? I really don't know what to do.

OP posts:

Jan45 · 15/05/2014 17:43

OP, you need to go back to the GP then but as has been said, if your OH is arguing with you about it and making you feel bad then that's just a complete turn off!

His apparent inability to accept the situation is worrying, it's almost like he wants the control rather than understanding where you are coming from.

When you argue, now does it go?

Original poster

libidogo · 15/05/2014 17:45

He gets very upset and sometimes shouts about feeling like I don't care about him. We then go over and over things again for hours and I can't cope with it anymore. I know he's hurting but so am I.

OP posts:

Jan45 · 15/05/2014 17:48

Get to the GP honestly, if you still fancy him and there's no other arguments then you should go and find out what the problem is. It's weird considering you always had a good sex life.

Jan45 · 15/05/2014 17:49

Go over what for hours, how does the convo go?

passingobserver · 15/05/2014 17:50

What you're describing in your post is a vicious circle, he is going to feel worse and worse, you are going to feel worse and worse and that is how it will end. The annoying thing is the day you do randomly feel up for it, he probably won't, thats just the murphy's law of this kind of situation.

Assuming there is nothing physically wrong, I'd imagine its a fair bet its a self-feeding kind of thing at this point. I'd look to sort that out, it could hardly hurt if you both felt a bit better about things anyway.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 15/05/2014 17:50

"Were it the other way round you'd mooting porn addiction or an affair and prescribing LTB"

Utter rubbish. Here's an OP who is stressed, depressed, on medication, struggling with 'something from her background' etc and, rather than work with her to reduce stress levels, get the depression under control, deal with the past and so on .... he goes for an argument. It's idiotic because now, however much he does around the house and however attentive he is, the OP is going to think 'he's only doing that to get sex'. The 'phobic reaction' is the result.

If you're desperate to sort it OP treat it as a joint problem, not yours alone regardless of what he may have told you. Sex is a two-way thing.

DirtySkirtings · 15/05/2014 17:53

If you used to have really good sex and now you don't, can you pin point when things changed? Something in your relationship? External event?

Trinovantes · 15/05/2014 17:54

Your DH sounds like he's being a bit of an arse - I do understand if he is hurt by what he sees as rejection, but it would be really great of men in this position didn't feel

Do you actually want your libido back? Some people quite like having one, whether or not they plan to do anything with it, and other people aren't bothered (when they are not being harrassed by upset DPs). If you do want your libido back, you might ask your GP whether it's exacerbated by the anti-depressants, as some of them can have total libido-killing as a side effect. DO NOT STOP TAKING THEM, though (not least as it won't help, as depressed people also often have low libidos!) If your GP thinks it might be a side-effect, maybe there's another type you can switch to.

Good luck, OP.

Trinovantes · 15/05/2014 17:55

Duh missed off a bit - whole sentence should have read:

"Your DH sounds like he's being a bit of an arse - I do understand if he is hurt by what he sees as rejection, but it would be really great if men in this position didn't feel that getting angry was the thing that would magically switch your libido back on."

passingobserver · 15/05/2014 18:06

Cog - That wasn't a solution or advice, it was just commentary (and hyperbole, confabulation and name calling). At best it would be relevant if he had posted here but he hasn't.

I think its more likely he doesn't understand and if he could be helped to understand quite a lot of needless hurt and upset on both sides could be avoided. I agree with the notion it should be a shared problem.

CointreauVersial · 15/05/2014 18:06

I definitely think the menopause has a lot to do with it. I'm 47 and much the same has happened to me, although DH, bless him, has been very patient. I get why your DH is unhappy - it does feel like a rejection of him, even though you can't help how you feel. Your GP might be able to suggest something hormonal to help fire things up again.

Matildathecat · 15/05/2014 18:16

How about having a chat with your GP about maybe changing your anti depressants? Some definitely cause low libido. You say sex used to be great so it's not like you can't feel like it. You just don't right now.

Fwiw (and I'll get flamed for this) I've been a bit similar and intimacy is incredibly important to my DH. And he is my DH, I really love him. So I sometimes do go along with it. And sometimes it's good. Your DH isn't angry, he's frustrated so talk, try to keep looking for compromises or a solution.

I hope you find your mojo, if you do can you tell me where to look?

MrWalletwithMothsonboard · 15/05/2014 18:18

Antidepressants have an awful side effect on a lot of peoples' libido and responses. You are also probably building up resentments and that kills desire stone dead.

Do you look at any men and find them attractive? Also the menopause causes so many changes mentally and physically. You need some therapy, the pair of you.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 15/05/2014 18:20

Of course it was relevant advice. The OP thinks that they are 100% responsible for this situation and that they are broken and defective. They are frightened to even raise the subject of sex with a man who - even though he is quite entitled to be hurt about the lack of intimacy in the relationship - is NOT entitled to browbeat the OP into submission for hours. He knows damn well she finds that distressing and it must be horrendous.

SolidGoldBrass · 15/05/2014 18:31

It is true that some GPs either don't bother to warn you that the medication you are taking will kill your libido, or they think that you can just put up with it. It would be worth getting a second opinion if your GP has been dismissive of your concerns.
It also sounds like some counselling might help you (you mention past traumas). But your DP needs to understand that you are not rejecting him on purpose and that he has to back the fuck off. Tantrumming will not make you desire him. Does he really want you just to open your legs and grit your teeth until he's shot his bolt? If that is what he is pushing you to do ie let him have sex on you which you will not enjoy at all - do you think you want to stay in a relationship with someone who would be happy to ignore your distress as long as his dick gets wet?

passingobserver · 15/05/2014 18:46

We don't actually know that is what is happening though, you're assuming he is acting in bad faith.

If it helps imagine what his letter might look like. No intimacy, won't talk about it, we always end up arguing, its so hurtful and sad. My partner says her friends on the internet say I have no right to any feelings about this or must bottle them up, some say I "just want to get my dick wet". I feel guilty now for wanting to feel loved. Is this right?

Most people are not horrible, wicked or evil, they are just scared and insecure like everyone else. I would prefer to assume that until I know otherwise.

In the end of course you can either seek to resolve these things or not I suppose.

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