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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Pil's 'practicality' in times of crisis ...

29 replies

susannahmoodie · 15/05/2014 15:29

Pils are wonderful people in many ways but mil in particular lacks empathy and has rubbish emotional intelligence imho. Fils dad is v ill atm and is in hospital. Pil are therefore spending a lot of time visiting and back and forth with fil's mum too who is in her 80s. It's a sad situation and everyone is mucking in to help, but sometimes I get a bit frustrated at how relentlessly practical they all are to the exclusion of other stuff.

I'm not a v practical person and was always told at school etc that I lacked 'common sense'. I'm v bookish and academic, high achieving in that respect but not good with practical things and that's why I feel dh and I complement each other as he is practical, but sometimes the lack of an emotional dimension with my pils frustrates me, eg if dh is arranging to go and see his dgf or dgm pils will talk for hours about making sure dgm Knows how to use the microwave or locks up or needs napkins or knows how to turn the tv on etc but I don't think they have ever asked how she is feeling about the fact that her husband of 60+ years is in hospital and whether she wants to talk to someone about it, have a good cry etc...I don't know, it seems kind of patronising to think of her as reduced to her physical needs but not much else, but then I know that pils are showing their love for her by offering this practical help as this is what they are good at.

are anyone's else's pils like this? I'd like to say its a generation thing but my parents aren't like this at all (both sets of parents late 50s/early 60s...

OP posts:
FourForksAche · 15/05/2014 15:35

yes, it's trying to show some love when you just don't know what to say or do to make it better. have a nit of sympathy for them.

Morgause · 15/05/2014 15:37

It sounds like you are the one lacking empathy to me.

susannahmoodie · 15/05/2014 15:39

I am sympathetic. In what ways do I lack empathy?

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 15/05/2014 15:40

Maybe the PILs are responding to what his mother actually wants? Your FIL has had 60-ish years with his DM and he probably knows her quite well by now. Some people (and I would include myself) are quite private with their emotions and would actually be very uncomfortable if someone was to ask if I'd like to have a good cry. I'd try to be a little more understanding and less judgemental.

FourForksAche · 15/05/2014 15:44

I don't want to be harsh, but you asked in what way. you're only interpreting their behaviour from your own point of view. you see the focus on practicalities as cold and uncaring when it can actually be sensitive, tactful or just the actions of hurt people who can't help in any other way.

TheCowThatLaughs · 15/05/2014 15:44

My parents would feel extremely uncomfortable about the idea of crying in front of me. I really wouldn't try and encourage them to tbh. Maybe your dh's gm is the same?

susannahmoodie · 15/05/2014 15:47

Ok thank you. I do know it's their way of showing they care. I suppose it's just different from what I am used to when my there have been similar situations in my family.

OP posts:
FourForksAche · 15/05/2014 15:49

I hope he gets better soon Thanks

CogitoErgoSometimes · 15/05/2014 15:50

So are you asking your FIL how he feels about his father being in hospital and does he want to talk about it? Are you suggesting he has a good cry etc? If so, how has he responded?

susannahmoodie · 15/05/2014 15:57

Maybe the thing about 'having a good cry' sounds a bit trite in retrospect but I'll say things like 'oh what a week you've had, how are you holding up?' etc and they just shrug and get on with discussing ready meals/who has keys/which appliances need fixing in dgm's house etc it's quite relentless and seems a bit ott to me how much they focus on it, it's really quite extreme, maybe it's more if an avoidance/distraction thing I don't know.

They have another ongoing crisis with my bil ATM too, but no one is taking about that either, and I worry about them a bit.

OP posts:
FourForksAche · 15/05/2014 16:03

it does sound like they're avoiding the emotional stuff so they can keep going and do what's needed. it doesn't mean they don't feel it.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 15/05/2014 16:06

Of course it's a distraction. Some people sit there sobbing when there's a crisis, some hit the bottle, others find it more comforting to roll up their sleeves & scrub cupboards or something else useful. Are you British? Ever heard of the 'stiff upper lip' concept?

I bet they worry about you too...

magicstar1 · 15/05/2014 16:33

That's the way some people deal with a crisis. When a friend of mine was having trouble, a few of us called around. The others were all sympathetic, emotional etc. while I said out straight "I'm no good with all the emotional stuff, but I'll help you in any practical way I can". It sounds like you and your DH will have all bases covered if you work together ;-)

WallyBantersJunkBox · 15/05/2014 16:36

Tbh I think I would rather have their coping mechanism than to sit round blubbing about their feelings. It's not really about them is it?

Practical advice is always more comforting to me, rather than dwelling on issues. It helps me move forward and out of a rut.

But I am a cold clinical Rational personality type. So I understand it doesn't sit well if you are an Idealist or Artisan type personality.

ClashCityRocker · 15/05/2014 17:01

In my experience, it's probably the practical things that help the most. When mil was in hospital, she was fed up with being asked how she was (obviously, she was shite) and people telling her how sorry they were.

Sorting things out around the house, bringing her and buying fresh Jammie's and nice food were things she could appreciate and worth more to her than platitudes. After all,words are the easy part - actual effort can be perceived to mean more.

It's never easy though, and I hope all concerned are on the mend soon.

PenelopeKeeling · 15/05/2014 17:08

TBH practical stuff is more useful, and old people who are infirm/ill need a lot of things doing for them. As for asking people how they feel, I don't really see the point (see, I'm British). It's usually obvious how they will be feeling - stressed/sad/shit. Not everyone wants to talk about that.

I don't want to talk about my sad feelings. I do want people to be sensitive/helpful at a bad time, but I don't want to be asked a lot of (as I see it) intrusive questions.

AbbeyBartlet · 15/05/2014 17:14

Fwiw, I am one of those practical people - I lack genuine empathy for people in many situations but even on the rare occasion I feel it, I can't deal with emotional people so I would help them in a practical way rather than an emotional one. I would be concerned that if I asked them how they were, they would get upset, and I don't know how to deal with that.

Sounds like your PILs are doing their best, and empathy isn't everything.

AbbeyBartlet · 15/05/2014 17:15

By the way, there are at least two threads about other people lacking "emotional intelligence" today - is it National Naval Gazing Week?
Grin

JassyRadlett · 15/05/2014 17:41

A lot of families - and from my experience it tends to be more as much about family culture as about individual culture - show their love/concern/sympathy/support through practical actions rather than words - and they are understood as such by the recipient.

venusandmars · 15/05/2014 18:29

Having recently gone through this with my own elderly parents (I'm in your MIL / FIL generation) I can completely understand their focus on practical issues.

Tbh when someone is in hospital there is an immense amount of time-consuming activity, particularly when there is another elderly parent to be cared for. Between visiting, phone calls to keep everyone up to date, taking a load of washing home every night, ensuring that parents' bills are paid at home etc it is like taking on another full-time job - on top of whatever commitments they already have. All routine is blown apart. I ended up feeling that I was continually on the edge of forgetting something big, and yes in those times of immense stress thing do get reduced to a list of seemingly practical things.

Overlay that with the emotional impact of facing the potential death of your parent, and you can understand why things are stressed.

In the midst of that not all of us want a hug.

To the outside world I probably looked like your PIL - but it was in my private moments that I fell apart - much of very real awfulness of what is happening is so raw and intense that it's not something to share with anyone except your very, very closest (in my case my dsis and dh).

People were very kind, and asked how I was, and said I must look after myself, but really what I needed was someone who could have picked up his shitty pants and pjs, wash and iron them and return them, or someone who could tell me whether he would live or die.

And with my remaining parent, we knew that we were both going through the same thing, we both had the same unanswerable questions, we were both in deep grief at seeing someone we loved in pain and confusion. In those moments, a squeeze of the hand is all that is needed to share what you're both feeling, and to let them know that you care.

I'm sure your situation is different, but I thought I'd share my perspective.

FourForksAche · 15/05/2014 18:34

venus Brew sorry, it sounds so hard.

DealForTheKids · 15/05/2014 18:38

My parents are exactly the same as this - particularly my mum. Even in normal non-crisis times if you ask her how she is she starts going on about what time they're going to leave the house tomorrow and what's for dinner next Wednesday.

I am a practical person but I can still talk about my emotions - I don't think it's that. I do think it's a coping mechanism but it's bloody alienating to everyone else and is very sad. Unfortunately OP I think you just have to let them deal with things as they want.

susannahmoodie · 15/05/2014 18:40

Venus I'm so sorry

OP posts:
Susiesue61 · 15/05/2014 18:43

I am just like that, very practical. My sister has asked me to be her birth partner for that very reason - I won't panic, but will be helpful!! I work in a job where I have to be very empathetic all day, but that isn't my normal self. I agree with the poster who said a squeeze of the hand asks the same question - they know you care

sunbathe · 15/05/2014 18:48

I'd react to that situation, somewhat like your pils, susannah.

I can't even think of a 'better' way to react. How do people go about it?