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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Pil's 'practicality' in times of crisis ...

29 replies

susannahmoodie · 15/05/2014 15:29

Pils are wonderful people in many ways but mil in particular lacks empathy and has rubbish emotional intelligence imho. Fils dad is v ill atm and is in hospital. Pil are therefore spending a lot of time visiting and back and forth with fil's mum too who is in her 80s. It's a sad situation and everyone is mucking in to help, but sometimes I get a bit frustrated at how relentlessly practical they all are to the exclusion of other stuff.

I'm not a v practical person and was always told at school etc that I lacked 'common sense'. I'm v bookish and academic, high achieving in that respect but not good with practical things and that's why I feel dh and I complement each other as he is practical, but sometimes the lack of an emotional dimension with my pils frustrates me, eg if dh is arranging to go and see his dgf or dgm pils will talk for hours about making sure dgm Knows how to use the microwave or locks up or needs napkins or knows how to turn the tv on etc but I don't think they have ever asked how she is feeling about the fact that her husband of 60+ years is in hospital and whether she wants to talk to someone about it, have a good cry etc...I don't know, it seems kind of patronising to think of her as reduced to her physical needs but not much else, but then I know that pils are showing their love for her by offering this practical help as this is what they are good at.

are anyone's else's pils like this? I'd like to say its a generation thing but my parents aren't like this at all (both sets of parents late 50s/early 60s...

OP posts:
DaffodilsandTruffles · 15/05/2014 19:17

I'm a pretty emotional person really but give me a crisis and I switch my emotions off and get stuck in with what needs to be done.

One of my DCs had an accident and was rushed to hospital for emergency surgery a while ago. Throughout the whole thing I was bright, cheery, reassuring for both DCs, dealing with hospital staff and updating family members.

Once we finally got the DC home all fixed and tucked up in bed, I finally, privately fell apart. It took me a week to recover (again privately) My husband was exactly the same, we supported each other in our shock and emotional trauma. We didn't discuss it with our parents, siblings, best friends or Facebook.

Everyone is different.

AliceInSandwichLand · 15/05/2014 19:21

Also, if the situation has been going on for some time and you don't yet know what'll happen, to some extent there isn't a lot to say. I have a father who's had dementia for 8 years in one care home, a bedridden FIL in another, a MIL in hospital and a mother barely managing to live on her own at present. I don't talk about it much, except the practical stuff, because what is there to say? We can't grieve them cos they're not dead. It could all go on for ages yet or change tomorrow. It's awful. We all know it's awful. Talking about it doesn't make it less awful. I expect your inlaws feel similarly. :(

grumpasaur · 15/05/2014 21:18

I am Canadian, and my husband is British. We Canadians love a good heart to heart, and it did sometimes surprise me how his family ignored the emotional bits of life and focused on the practical. I have to say, although I was raised in the former way, the latter suits me a lot better. I like cracking on with things, and asking for emotional support when i need it, from the people I need it from. In a way, I find the practical stuff more genuine.

grumpasaur · 15/05/2014 21:19

Oh, also- I am definitely the one you want in a crisis. I feel like I think pragmatically first and emotionally second. Despite our different upbringings, my husband is the opposite! Useless in a crisis but brilliant for later cuddles!

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