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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

please help me explain to my 4 year old that daddy's moved out.

43 replies

prettyfiestyforasmallone · 15/05/2014 11:35

hi
my and my dp have been together 6 years and we have a 4 year old together.
18 months ago we split up and I moved out with ds after a month apart we decided to try again and had been together since.
on Saturday dp decided he didn't love me and has moved out. this time we will NOT be getting back together it is definitely over Sad
so my heart is broken although im not its because he's gone or because ds is so upset.
dp is currently finishing renovating his house so cant have ds over night and is self employed and working long hours. ds was used to seeing his dad in the morning and has obviously noticed he is not around.
last time we split up I let dp come round all the time to see ds and put him to bed etc..
This time I dont want to go down that route.
I feel physically sick that we've let ds down again and don't know how to deal with his upset

any advice?

tia

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 15/05/2014 11:40

Age 4 he will sign up for whatever version of the world you present to him. So if you say in as cheery manner as you can manage that Daddy is going to live in his other house all the time now and, once it's all fixed up, he can go there for visits and sleepovers.... I expect he'll think that's marvellous rather than upsetting,

Original poster
prettyfiestyforasmallone · 15/05/2014 11:44

thanks for your reply... I tried that approach yesterday and he was just so bloody sad.. and said he wanted us all to be together.. he's nearly 5 and quite sensitive Sad
it didn't help that ex dp came last night just before bedtime and proceeded to move all his stuff out in front of ds Sad

I feel so so sad... cant eat, cant sleep.. tell me ill feel better soon.. please?!

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 15/05/2014 11:49

Of course he's sad. It's always sad thing. You can tell him you're sad about it... it's OK to admit that. Children learn how to be resilient if you show them that you are sad but carrying on. But the pair of you will have to be considerate (not moving stuff out in front of the poor kid), consistent, behave pleasantly towards each other and tell him that it's a 'grown up decision' and you can't all be together any more. Avoid false hopes.

I'm sorry you're in this situation. Do you have friends or family that you can be with and who will support you?

Original poster
prettyfiestyforasmallone · 15/05/2014 11:54

thanks cogito... I have a small group of friends ive known forever who are amazing but busy.
my mum is away at the moment and if im being honest. I dont think ivr ever felt so alone Sad

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 15/05/2014 11:59

Everyone's busy. Everyone will assume you are OK unless you stick up a hand and shout 'help'.... :) Do give them a call and I'm sure they will drop everything.

Original poster
prettyfiestyforasmallone · 15/05/2014 12:04

I know you are right I will give them a call this weekend x

OP posts:
onionlove · 15/05/2014 13:21

Hi prettyfiesty, my little boy is the same age as yours and also sensitive, myself and DH aren't at the same stage as you but we are going to attend mediation soon and will be separating. I have fears about telling the children etc and I think the advice Cogito gives is sound and the right way to approach.
I just wanted to say that during the last few months which have been horrible I have reached out to people and they have made time, energy and been so kind to me its truly heart-warming. As that REM song goes "everybody hurts, take comfort in your friends" - if one of your friends was sad you would like to be there for them wouldn't you?

Original poster
prettyfiestyforasmallone · 15/05/2014 13:30

thanks Onion...
it sounds ridiculous but my friends are now at a totally different stage to me.. they are happily married working full time and need to spend time with their families at weekends.
im at the opposite side of everything to them.
I know I will get used to being on my own...but I feel at 35 I will never meet anyone else and the best part of my life has been taken away..(am so aware that sounds so self pitying)
I need a slap! x

OP posts:
mammadiggingdeep · 15/05/2014 19:13

Op...you're not alone, I'm in the same camp as you. . I'm 36, 2 dd, aged 1 and 3 (almost 4). Of course we'll meet somebody else...we're not bloody past it!!! Spend some time regrouping and reflecting and when you're ready go out there and make the life you want for yourself.
Flowers one day at a time xx

Original poster
prettyfiestyforasmallone · 15/05/2014 19:22

thanks mamma... how long have you been seperated?
and if you don't mind me asking how are your children doing? x

OP posts:
onionlove · 15/05/2014 20:04

PF you are so young don't worry about that stuff, also use this time to get back to being you again and regrouping x

Original poster
prettyfiestyforasmallone · 15/05/2014 20:13

my ds wont go to bed tonight so we're watching home alone in my bed...
I have a question if you could help me decide what to do...
I work monday to Wednesday 1pm till 8pmi get home about 820pm my exdp mum looks after ds after pre school on these days and his dad goes for tea there and before we split up would bring him home get him bathed etc and I would be back in time to give him a kiss goodnight.
so should I let ex dp keep doing this those 3 nights or should I pick ds up straight from exdp mums??

thanks everyone for your kind words xx

OP posts:
Original poster
prettyfiestyforasmallone · 15/05/2014 20:57

bump..

OP posts:
cestlavielife · 15/05/2014 22:41

Makes sense for those nights ds should be with dad.
But it isn't about you "letting " dp .
It is about you both sitting and looking at what's best for ds.

Would it be best for ds to stay o night with dad those nights ? Would that mean on to weds with dad? What about weekends ?

Have a look at parenting plans you can download

What you work out to do now for next three months you can then review .

Original poster
prettyfiestyforasmallone · 15/05/2014 23:12

Thank you for your reply..
ds cant stop at exdp at the minute as the house isnt finished but when it is ds will stay with his dad mon and tues night and every other weekend but im just unsure whats best in the meantime x

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 16/05/2014 07:16

I think emotions are running high, you need some breathing space, and your home should be a sanctuary. A place of calm, happiness and security for yourself and your son. If your ex being in your home makes you sad, anxious or upset in any way then he should be kept out of it for now.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 16/05/2014 07:20

Should add... your son will be less confused and less upset if you stick to a consistent idea that Dad lives in Place A and you live in Place B than if you blur the lines, keep things going semi-normally like bathtimes but then Dad, instead of sticking around afterwards, goes back to his house.

Original poster
prettyfiestyforasmallone · 16/05/2014 07:25

thanks cogito.. I think your right it's too painful right now.
im going to pick him up instead of having him at my house for now.

thanks again everyone x

OP posts:
Original poster
prettyfiestyforasmallone · 16/05/2014 07:56

Another question... before we split up we had booked a weekend away to do something that ds is very excited about...I am still planning on going with ds but exdp things we should still go together??!! but not share a bed but I thimk it will confuse ds even more.. what do you think??

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 16/05/2014 08:03

You are not going to enjoy a weekend away with your ex in the slightest and, if he still thinks you can all play Happy Families, he clearly has no concept of how hurt you are by his rejection. Yes, I think your DS would be confused and think you had got back together. I said earlier to 'avoid false hopes' and this is exactly what I meant. Maybe one day in the distant future when everyone has moved on and DS is much older ... maybe then you can socialise together occasionally. Not now.

Original poster
prettyfiestyforasmallone · 16/05/2014 08:22

cogito please can you come and sit at the end of my sofa for the next few weeks, so everytime I ask a stupid question then you can slap some sense into me Smile

so I need to tell exdp not to come which I can do... but ds every morning asks is dad still coming with us (to the weekend awaySad ) not sure how to break it to him.

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 16/05/2014 09:13

Keep telling DS in as cheery and matter-of-fact way that you can manage that Dad won't be coming to the weekend but he will see him on ... won't that be nice?!

I can be booked for end of sofa perching as long as you have plenty of Custard Creams :)

Original poster
prettyfiestyforasmallone · 16/05/2014 09:45

deal!!
I feel a bit more positive today... ive bought loads of £1 toys and put them in a box and told ds every night he goes in his own bed he can have one.
fingers crossed for tonight because last night was awful..

OP posts:
cestlavielife · 16/05/2014 14:27

if your ds needs to be with you during this time let him.
it s not the right time to be pushing own bed thing.
sure try the reward but don't fret if he needs to be with you.

you can push the own bed thing in six months when things are more settled.

cestlavielife · 16/05/2014 14:28

look at him from his point of view - he wants comfort and security from you coz dad has gone and its all confusing - this si keeping him awake at night so he goes to you....you saying well you cant come to me but here is a toy.

doesn't work does it?