please help me explain to my 4 year old that daddy's moved out.

[prettyfiestyforasmallone]

hi
my and my dp have been together 6 years and we have a 4 year old together.
18 months ago we split up and I moved out with ds after a month apart we decided to try again and had been together since.
on Saturday dp decided he didn't love me and has moved out. this time we will NOT be getting back together it is definitely over
so my heart is broken although im not its because he's gone or because ds is so upset.
dp is currently finishing renovating his house so cant have ds over night and is self employed and working long hours. ds was used to seeing his dad in the morning and has obviously noticed he is not around.
last time we split up I let dp come round all the time to see ds and put him to bed etc..
This time I dont want to go down that route.
I feel physically sick that we've let ds down again and don't know how to deal with his upset

any advice?

tia

hes always come in to my bed at some point in the night... but always gone to bed ok in his to start with... it was just an idea as the last 3 nights hes not been going to sleep till 10 as he just doesn't want to go in his bed... hes so tired I just thought I should stick to his routine as much as I can but your probably right ill not push it.
exdp hasn't seen or spoke to ds since Wednesday.. I text him this morning as ds wanted to speak to him and we've still not heard from him....
I have a really awful feeling there may be another woman on the scene

Sounds like your ex is turning out to be a selfish git. Doesn't matter if there's another girlfriend or not, letting a little boy down is not something a decent man would do.

its awful I am so shocked he hasnt rang or even text to see if hes ok or better still called to speak to him.
ds just asked to call him again..... no answer.
so apparently you walk away from your family and let me pick up the pieces

And I bet in the last few days you've told someone he was a 'great Dad'... Unless the man is actually dead in a ditch or out of range at the North Pole or something there is really no excuse.

I have cogito several time and I camt tell you how many times ive told ds "daddy loves you more than anything"
I am angry so angry he can treat me like shit I can deal with that but how dare he do that to ds

Hi there
Just to reassure you things will get better!

I split from my exP when my eldest DD was three and a half and my baby was 5 months last August. I am 37. It was a very difficult period of my life for a long time. I didn't (and still don't) know anyone in my wide circle of friends who is in a comparable position (I.e. Split with young kids).

My DD didn't really understand what was going on and if she did she couldn't clearly articulate what she thought (as she was only 3) but she became very naughty, started waking and crying in the night, wet the bed etc. However this was a phase and now she is fine.

Me - I feel the happiest I've been in years.

I have no regrets. My DDs go to my ex Ps two nights in the week and often at weekends too which gives me time to myself which I treasure (I never anticipated I'd feel like this. I also appreciate not every single parent has this set up and many don't get a break).

If you go on Amazon there are various books you can buy such as "two homes" (or something like that) about a little boy called Alex who has two houses.
Good luck OP.

thank you so much finally... that was just what I needed to hear
I will look at those books tonight.
ex spoke to ds earlier and ds went to his own bed but got up about half an hour ago and is fast asleep next to me..
I just keep repeating "this will pass we will feel beyter soon" and hopefully we will xx

Yes you will. It will get much easier in time. Will just take time. Your son will be fine he's only little. Have a look around the lone parents / relationships threads and you will find loads of threads over the years that will make you feel better / you can relate to.

hi pretty as others have said it does get better. my dcs were 8 and literally just 6 . I got the book mum and dad glue which was helpful to explain to youngest.

we are 6 months in now and going to their dad's has become more 'normal' I've found it does take time. youngest spent first four months crying a lot and asking why couldn't we live together now etc.

they both accept it better now although on drop off they can find it hard as contact is erratic due to his job.

if u can get him to sing from same hymn sheet as u that definitely helps. we both speak positively of each other to them and try not to talk about things in front of them.

mnet has been a real lifeline for me and helped me so much. so many great posters out there with such good advice.
good luck. you and ds will be ok

thanks minime.. its nice to hear from people that are further down the road than me... it gives me hope..
ds is going to his dads today and exdp is bringing him back after tea..
no plans for me today.. I think I need to hobby.
I think tonight will be awful after his dad drops him off..
I wish I could fast forward the next 6 months

im really struggling today..ds was so excited to see his dad I didn't even get a goodbye

It's nice & it's right that he's excited to see Dad. Did you tell Dad to shape up and be in contact with him more often?

yes we had a long talkblast night about what ds needs from hom so will shall see...
im feeling lonely and jealous that ds woll have a lovely day with his dad then come back and me sad and upset

(I know that makes me sound sbout 12)

ah pretty it does get easier. first sleepover mine did at their dads I wanted to run back up the path and take them home again. they didn't want to stay for a long time and we've had to build it up slowly at their pace. in fact only this week just gone they've been first time for 2 nights without ringing me at all. was so hard but I was glad it meant they were more settled with their dad.

I always tried to go and see friends or shopping whilst they weren't there or now I go for a walk. when I was ready I joined on line dating too after persuasion from my hairdresser. was great fun.

Ds will be pleased to be home too. he knows you are the safety and stability and home.

thanks minnime... I dont think he will be pleased to come home I think he will want to stay at his dad's
he has already been asking when he can sleep at daddy's..
ive cleaned the house frim top to bottom and im now sunbathing in the garden but my mind keeps interrupting me

well as expected ds is screaming for his daddy and telling me he hates me... brilliant I feel like the worst mum in the world

oh bless you. honestly I had that too. things like why can't u let daddy move back in and why can't u just make friends with daddy when it was him who left us.

it does get better. remember u are helping your son now by making sure he sees his dad. contact with both parents is important.

How's it going Pretty?
I am in your shoes. Giving me dreadful bunions/blisters !

It's so tough. One thing I have never ever done is tell my kids (6 and 3) that Daddy loves you v v much. I figure that if they need to know unfailingly that their daddy loves them then only he can tell them that. I feel that if I say he loves them and then he lets them down, that I have lied to them. So I don't say it.

They see him fortnightly. It's been 8 months now. It's still hard but they are getting more settled, a routine of asking is this a daddy week etc.

Just gotta get divorced now!