Starting new role at work. DP being difficult about it

[PollyCazaletWannabe]

Bit of background...My DP and I are both female and have been together for 9 years. Before I was with DP I classed myself as bisexual and had only had relationships with men. However, since being with DP I have never cheated or even considered it.

I currently work in an office of 14, mainly women but have been promoted and will be working in a smaller office with just me and two men. To be honest I'm a bit apprehensive, as I love my current workmates and don't know these men very well. They seem nice but that's it.

DP is already making snide comments about mr working with these men. She has always had a bit of an issue about my having been with men before and describing myself as bisexual- she thought it meant I would miss being with men and would cheat on her with a man. We worked through it all and I thought we had got over it.

Now, however, it's all flaring up again and I haven't even started my new job yet! The idea of being subject to these comments and questions from DP all the time is making me even more anxious about my new role than I already am. I don't know what to do :(

Your DP sounds horribly insecure and is reacting by trying to control you with emotional bullying. You have to tell her very firmly that her irrational jealousy and snide remarks are driving a wedge between you, you're not going to give up your job or anything silly like that and that, if she carries on browbeating you, the relationship is going to be seriously damaged or even over completely.

Always stand up to bullying. It's miserable behaviour and should never be tolerated.

Put your foot down Op. Tell her to back off and that you're not going to put up with it. Her jealousy is unreasonable and it's her problem. She needs to sort herself out. You need to make it crystal clear you're not having it.

Thing is, if you wanted to cheat, you dont need to be in an office with 2 men in order to do it. Ifshe doesnt trust you to be faithful to her, then thats a problem. You are with her because you want to be, not because there is no opportunity to be with someone else.

Does her irrational jealousy and controlling behaviour affect other areas of your life? Does she try to prevent you from socialising with men more generally? Do you have any male friends that she has bullied you into dropping, for example?

Yet she's not worried that you will cheat with your female colleagues?

To be honest I've never really had many male friends anyway, but I am more conscious of mentioning men at work to DP.
The problem doesn't arise with female colleagues, no :(

I think quite a lot of lesbians are scared of being in an relationship with bisexuals due to the fear of being left for an man and the truth is, majority of bisexual women end up with men so I can understand their fear.

Just keep reassuring your partner and the fact you have been with her for 9 years should mean something! I am sure if you wanted to be with an man so badly you would have done it by now so she really needs to stop. Maybe she needs counselling?

I wish I could suggest counselling to DP- I think she would really benefit from it. Unfortunately she doesn't react well to anything she perceives as criticism.
I am quite worried about how it will be once I start. This morning I put a skirt on instead of trousers and DP said 'oh, going to your new office for a meeting today are you?' I wasn't- but that's not the point. When I start my new job, is DP going to evaluate everything I choose to wear?!

The other thing is that I am actually quite anxious about starting this new role and quite sad about leaving the old one. I'd really like some support with it but I avoid talking about it because DP will start up again about me and these two men.

She's trying to bully you and it's succeeding if you're avoiding talking about an important part of your life. You can't talk about your job, can't talk about counselling, you're now going to think twice before wearing a skirt .... what else are you frightened to do or say?

You need to put your foot down about this ridiculous behaviour. Seriously. Do not tolerate it. You wouldn't take it from a man, why take it from a woman?

It's not quite as bad as that Cogito- it doesn't happen all the time. I certainly didn't avoid wearing a skirt- I just carried on getting dressed.

People saying I need to put my foot down- I always tell DP very firmly not to be ridiculous and challenge her silly comments. But it doesn't stop it happening again- how can I get her to stop once and for all?

Of course it doesn't happen all the time. However, her controlling behaviour over the job change is deliberately designed to cause you anxiety and upset when she should be supportive and encouraging. She needs to know that it's wrong, it stops now and - like the skirt remark - it's not going to change your behaviour.

By having a serious sit down chat about it. Being very clear and very firm. Whatever Cogito said in the first answering post. Make a time for a proper chat. Say that stuff and let her reply with her thoughts and feelings. If you stay firm and she sees exactly where you are coming from you will hopefully make some headway.

X-post. To get someone to change behaviour there have to be consequences serious enough attached to non-compliance as to be a motivation to change. A loving partner, knowing they'd hurt you or made you anxious, would apologise and stop because they cared about you. A partner that doesn't really care whether your feelings are hurt needs a different incentive.

I have tried sitting down and talking if through. Sometimes it works and at other times DP starts to question why I'm making an issue of it 'is it because you've got something to hide' etc :(

Bumping please for advice

Frankly I would be more than offended if my dh suggested that I was about to have a raging affair with anyone at work, and I work with over 800 staff, 500 of whom are men! Your DP either trusts you or she doesn't. you've talked it over and she doesn't want to listen and effectively wants her own way; you not going to the new job. I'd be getting far less polite and far more angry!

I don't think she wants me not to do the job though- she just seems to want to grumble about it!

Polly, it is exactly like Cogito says! What would she be happy with? Sounds like she would only be happy if you turned around and said you weren't going to take the job. Tell her to sod off!

Do you really want to be in a relationship with someone who grumbles, is irrationally jealous and makes petty remarks about skirts? I can empathise. My emotionally abusive exH used to do the same thing and, when I joined a dramatic society once (which I loved), he also made sarcastic remarks about me 'meeting men' and resented the time involved. He would dress it up that he only said these things because he 'loved me so much he was afraid I'd leave him'.... but it was nothing of the kind. He was insecure, controlling and was trying to make the experience so unpleasant that it would be too much trouble and I'd give up. Blatant manipulation. I suggest your partner is doing the same thing.

Do the job. Wear the skirt. Make a special effort to make friends with your male work colleagues and go for a few drinks after work. And do think seriously about the future of a relationship with a jealous, mistrusting woman.

BTW.... in a rather ironic twist to my story, my jealous exH turned out to be the one having the affair.

Oh dear Cogito- your story is ringing bells. I am part of a choir and DP often asks me who I talked to while there, etc. (Actually of course, a choir is very segregated in terms of sexes- you sit with your section (all the same sex) sing, go home.) I am also due to go to a male colleague's leaving do on Friday. Haven't told DP yet as I can't be arsed with the grumbling, questioning, suspicious negative attitude.

PS Sorry to hear your H was such a twat. I'm certain DP isn't having an affair but that must have been shit for you [thanks ]

Should have been