Starting new role at work. DP being difficult about it

[PollyCazaletWannabe]

Bit of background...My DP and I are both female and have been together for 9 years. Before I was with DP I classed myself as bisexual and had only had relationships with men. However, since being with DP I have never cheated or even considered it.

I currently work in an office of 14, mainly women but have been promoted and will be working in a smaller office with just me and two men. To be honest I'm a bit apprehensive, as I love my current workmates and don't know these men very well. They seem nice but that's it.

DP is already making snide comments about mr working with these men. She has always had a bit of an issue about my having been with men before and describing myself as bisexual- she thought it meant I would miss being with men and would cheat on her with a man. We worked through it all and I thought we had got over it.

Now, however, it's all flaring up again and I haven't even started my new job yet! The idea of being subject to these comments and questions from DP all the time is making me even more anxious about my new role than I already am. I don't know what to do :(

You really must go to the leaving do as a point of principle. You say you have no male friends and this is probably why. Emotional manipulation is a horrible thing when it creeps into a relationship and mistrust is even more corrosive and miserable. Tell DP you're going to the leaving do and anticipate the grumbling etc.... then use that as an opportunity to say 'enough's enough'. She's your partner, not your handler.

I am going to the leaving do, don't worry! To be honest I have never really had many male friends at all, even at school- DP hasn't influenced that. But I get what you're saying about control issues, I really do.

Hi.

Sorry OP but you need to tell her to stop being so paranoid, it's always likely that we meet men and women at work.

My DH has always worked with lots of women - he's in a very female dominated career. At the moment he is the only man in a team of 7 and all the women are a bit younger, have exciting London lives (to suburban pregnant me) and several are single. If I even mentioned this as an issue for me we would have no relationship. It would be such an insult to him and our relationship to do that. I occasionally (particularly at the moment being a heavily pregnant beached-whale) wish he didn't work with younger, slimmer women, but this is completely my irrational thoughts and jealousies to deal with - I have always had quite a jealous personality but I doubt DH even knows this as I keep it so well-hidden as it is completely my issue. If I voiced any of this or behaved differently to him because of my irrational issues, it would be controlling and unsupportive and untrusting of him, and that would leave our relationship in tatters.

Your DP is allowed to have these irrational thoughts - we all think things we know we shouldn't really think or say, and can't really control thoughts - but if she is taking them out on you (either by voicing them or through her behaviour or through wallowing in her thoughts) then you really need to think about if you want to be with somebody this insecure and controlling. And you might need to issue some sort of ultimatum and stick to it.

Good luck with the new job, and good luck with getting your DP to see that she is causing her own misery and seriously risking irreparable damage to your relationship,